I don't know who I am

[Leo A Lion]

I don't who I am or with what I identify. Lately I've been feeling like a male, but I'm still attracted to males more than females. When I think of how I want my body to look, I think of being skinny, but I also think of having no chest and a penis. I don't know what to do because anytime I try and find myself my sister tells me I'm wrong and I'm just trying to put labels on myself. My mom tries to understand but things like this confuse her. My brother doesn't care. And worst of all my sister and her husband call people who have transitional surgery stupid and selfish for not using the money for "better" reasons. And I am just so confused and scared to actually find and accept who I am. But going off of a feelings, I feel like a bi guy who's sexually more attracted to males and stuck in a female body. I feel like I want to grow up and find a husband and adopt kids. I feel like a male and I'm afraid my sister will try to make me change my mind by telling me I'm imagining it and that I'm just trying to label myself, I'm afraid I'm being a selfish person by wanting to get rid of my boobs and to have a penis. I feel trapped.

[Sam W]

Hi Leo,

It sounds like this is causing you a lot of stress, and I'm sorry that your sister is being deeply unsupportive of how you feel and what you need. If you don't mind my saying so, it sounds like you actually do have a pretty strong sense of your identity and what feels right to you, and that a lot of the conflict is coming from the negative messages your sister is telling you. Do I have that right? While she's right that some people don't find labels work for them or make them feel constrained, plenty of other people find that labeling their gender and sexual orientation helps them give a name to their feelings and experiences. It sounds like you're in that second category, and there's nothing wrong with that.

What's more, she is absolutely wrong that people who transition physically are stupid or selfish. First of all, she doesn't actually get a say in what you or anybody else does with their body. More importantly, people who transition do so because it is the right choice for them and will help them feel more at home in their body.

When you say you're scared to accept who you are, can you tell me a little more about what scares you? Are the things you're worried about external things, like how other people will react? Or are they more about what's going on inside you?

[Leo A Lion]

Hi Leo,

It sounds like this is causing you a lot of stress, and I'm sorry that your sister is being deeply unsupportive of how you feel and what you need. If you don't mind my saying so, it sounds like you actually do have a pretty strong sense of your identity and what feels right to you, and that a lot of the conflict is coming from the negative messages your sister is telling you. Do I have that right? While she's right that some people don't find labels work for them or make them feel constrained, plenty of other people find that labeling their gender and sexual orientation helps them give a name to their feelings and experiences. It sounds like you're in that second category, and there's nothing wrong with that.

What's more, she is absolutely wrong that people who transition physically are stupid or selfish. First of all, she doesn't actually get a say in what you or anybody else does with their body. More importantly, people who transition do so because it is the right choice for them and will help them feel more at home in their body.

When you say you're scared to accept who you are, can you tell me a little more about what scares you? Are the things you're worried about external things, like how other people will react? Or are they more about what's going on inside you?

Hi Sam,

Reading through your response has helped me a lot to realize that what I'm feeling isn't completely weird or unnatural. I'm scared of not being accepted by my family, that my sister's will hate me for being transgender. That I won't be accepted in my family or my house. It is my what my sister says that has me doubting myself and how I feel. I just feel like my situation is helpless.

[Sam W]

I'm glad it helped

Those are all common fears people have about coming out as trans, but it can help to examine how likely you think they are to actually happen. You've mentioned your sister is unsupportive, so you can (sadly) anticipate her reaction. You mention your mom is trying but is confused. Do you think if she had more information or resources to help her understand what you're going through she'd be better able to support you? And how is the rest of your family in terms of their acceptance of trans people? Do you also have friends who would support you if you came out to them?

In case you haven't seen it yet, we've got a big series on the main website called Trans Summer School. The series covers a ton of topics, including things like coming out and dealing with your family, so it might be useful to you to read it (or at least have it on hand if you need it) Welcome to Trans Summer School! .

[Leo A Lion]

I actually talked with my mom earlier and she understood more than I thought she would. She told me to not be afraid and to not look at others for approval. To do some research, see if this is what I really want and then do whatever makes me the most comfortable, and all the while she will always support me cause I'm her child. It was a biiiig relief to hear all of that from her.

[Alice O]

Leo A Lion,

I am so happy to hear about our conversation with your mom! It sounds like she was really supportive and affirming of you, and also gave some great advice. You deserve that!

Have you had a moment to check out Trans Summer School? If so, have any questions or thoughts come up for you?