Trying to make sense... is this rape/abuse?

[idk12345]

Hi:) So I have a something that’s I need clarification on. So there has been a guy... who I’ve hooked up with 5 times (done everything except intercourse) . So there was an evident thought of sex. The last time there was alcohol involved with both me and him. He did not seem very drunk, but I was drunk. There was talk of sexual intercourse that night, between me and him, him and others, and me and others before we went off together. When we did, we had done everything, and then he started talking about sex. I said no countless times, but he kept persisting. While this was all happening there would be ‘breaks’ where we would engage in manual/oral sex. Then he would use that, and tell me I wanted it. I proceeded to tell him, that yes I did WANT it, but I won’t do it because the consequences that could follow. Even though I had said no (but not very harshly I guess I was trying to be more persuasive... but I had said the word No many times) I felt like I was letting him down, I was emotionally/physically tired. So I let in, and didn’t stand up for myself and my thoughts. I bled a bit, probably because I was so tense. And all I could think was how I didn’t want this, I didn’t want to loose it this way. Afterward, he said he wanted to keep it between us, and also asked me if I was ok. I said yes, holding back the tears. This was the first time (during this night) that I felt I had to hide. I had to hide my feelings from him, and soon my friends, when I met them outside. I hid it from my friends for about an hour, where I would make excuses to go to another room, where I would proceed to sob. I gave in again, and told them. They had said it was rape at the beginning, but that topic faded away in the other worries me and them had. But it has been nagging away at me since, they had said that. I just wanted to get your insight on this, and know at least one answer about this night. Thanks

[Sam W]

Hi idk12345,

I'm so sorry that he did that to you and that it's been causing you such distress. While it's ultimately your choice to decide what to call what happened, given that you said no multiple times and that he wouldn't take that as an answer and kept wearing you down until you said yes, this incident certainly fits the definition of sexual assault. When you assert a boundary and someone decides to badger you to change it until you're exhausted and give them what they want so they'll stop, that's not enthusiastic consent. It also sounds like he was pretty aware of that fact, given that his reaction after it happened was to tell you to keep it between the two of you. I'm glad you told your friends, and that they correctly spotted that what he did was wrong.

Given all that information, what can we do to best support you going forward? And can I ask if it's likely that you'll see this guy again?