sexuality support

[Science_Geek]

I'm afraid of what is going on with my body, physically, when it comes to this. I'm afraid that none of it will ever happen (getting a partner) but I'm also afraid that it may actually happen. I'm afraid I may not be asexual, because of these new things. I'm afraid to confide in family and friends about this. I'm afraid I am wrong in what I am thinking my sexuality is. I'm afraid these thoughts/desires will keep happening and I won't cope with them. I'm afraid that I may be thinking or feeling something and being wrong (like wanting to look like the person vs. actually being attracted to them).

[Heather]

Okay.

So, if you don't mind my input, I think two central themes seem to be present in your fears: the fear of being wrong -- being "wrong" about what you experience as or call your sexuality, for instance, or being "wrong" in what you want -- and the fear of a loss or lack of control -- like not being in control of friends or family opinions, not being in control of how your body may be responding, or your feelings.

Sound about right?

[Science_Geek]

Yes, I would say that is right

[Heather]

Okay. So, for one, since I know you are having a lot of trouble finding therapy, making these two things the focus of what you're seeking out might widen that net a bit more. But, as you know, there's also bound to be at least some intersection with the control part of all this and OCD. I really hope that you can get the kind of help you're seeking soon, because it keeps feeling to me like that care, from the right provider, really could go such a long way with this, as well as other things.

(Have you done any self-help reading or for OCD, by the way? I can't recall, and if not, sounds to me like investigating and exploring that would be very much worth your while.)

The right and wrong thing is more complicated, but also more simple (but complicated in that, for most people, they just can't accept it as that simple): you really, really can't be right or wrong about your own experience of yourself and your life, nor about how you choose to classify it.

It may be that someone else uses the words you do differently, so it doesn't seem right to them. It may be that some words or frameworks that work for you now don't for always. It may be that you are (I'm not saying it is, just that anyone could do this) even calling yourself a term that deep down you know isn't right because for whatever reasons, you're afraid of being more honest. Even that's not wrong, it's just where you are at. None of this stuff is wrong, because there just isn't right or wrong here. There's just what you know so far and what feels true to you in the moment.

I suspect some of why that troubles you is that you seem really uncomfortable -- and a lot of people are -- with the possibly ever-shifting nature of sexuality and our sexual selves. If people were raised with the idea sex itself is this scary, out of control thing, that can feel even scarier (and also explains a lot of people's reactions to queerness who came up evangelical). But the thing is that there's no way to do this that changes that. Even if you never -- and you have this right -- use any of these words, any words, to describe your sexuality to yourself or anyone else, it is STILL gonna do what it's gonna do. (The good news is, that's just about feelings and totally manageable involuntary body reactions, we still get to only actively do what we choose to.)

I don't know how to tell you to get to an acceptance of that: that's more the kind of thing you'll know about in terms of knowing how you get to acceptance of something in general. But I do think getting to that, even if it's a grudging acceptance at first (ask me about my nearly volcanic irritation during my early 30s when my sexuality unceremoniously decided it only wanted to have half the dating pool it once did right at the time I wanted that big pool the most: good times), is the ticket to the right/wrong part of this business.

[Heather]

I need to head out of work for the day, just FYI, but I'll be back tomorrow. Sorry if I'm leaving you hanging.

[Science_Geek]

I tried contacting the LGBT+ organizations in my area. One said they are youth only and the other said they cannot help. I need help as it makes things much better. And although I had 2 really good therapists in the past, this was one topic that never came up.

I have not done any reading on OCD as I never thought it was part of my issues. I have done other self help reading, but it doesn't seem to stick if I have no one to bounce ideas off of or hold me accountable.

I think it is opposite. I think deep down, I know the term, but I cannot accept or say the term out loud. I feel like I came to terms about the asexuality and part of this bi-whatever, but then I read or feel things and it confuses me more. Although I'm scared, confused, and everything else, I guess I just want the reassurance of "that's what it sounds like to me" or "have you thought about this" Which I guess cannot happen. Which then causes me to question even more. That perhaps others are seeing something I am not.

I feel like I am really uncomfortable with the shifting part, but also with the idea of sex. I don't want it, I have never wanted it, and I just never really see the point of it especially since I don't want kids. (Sorry if that's rude, I have been told it was) And these thoughts and desires semi feel what I imagine sex is or begins as. Which then leads to more confusion. I take it these involuntary body reactions are telling me something about my feelings? I was never taught how sex happens, I just saw it in movies. I didn't fully learn the human reproduction system until College.

I am also in my early 30s, and it just feels like I am too old for this to come about now. And too broken. Like something is wrong with me. I felt this way at the beginning when I was guessing about asexuality but I feel like I was more "this is it" for me when I learned about it There were really no doubts or questions.

[Heather]

In order for a topic to come up during therapy, we often have to bring it up. I don't know if you didn't before because you didn't make the connections or feel these issues as acutely, or you didn't because of avoidance, but suffice it to say, when you can find a therapist again, I think you should.

As well, I don't think you need to limit yourself to seeking through LGBT help, specifically, for much of this. I think so much of what you have talked about throughout your posts here are things most general therapists can and often do work with.

Per the reassurance you say you're seeking, I do think we have already given you that here, but I think that as is so often the case with reassurance-seeking, it just doesn't deliver what we expect it to. If only things were often that easy!

There's no "too old" for this. I have personally known people in their 60s going through similar, just as an example. And again, these are issues throughout life, not just for adolescence. I know that's frustrating to someone who wants who they are, especially in the places that feel scariest to them, to be super cut-and-dried and unchanging, but frustrating or scary as that may be, it's just how it is. But too, you make clear that even basic education on all this came super-late for you, so of course a lot of this wasn't going to start really coming up until you got some more information.

I really, really, really want for you to read that Jeanette Winterson book I suggested. I just have a feeling that something about her struggles, and the way she writes about them, will resonate with you and leave you feeling more connected. I also think that, on a nonfiction front, there's another book I think might be wise and helpful for you, and that's a book called "Sex Smart: How Your Childhood Shaped Your Sexual Life and What to Do About It," by Aline Zoldbrod. I do think it will likely make you feel uncomfortable in some ways, but I think you would benefit from just going through the kind of discomfort it will probably create.

It's not rude for you to feel how you feel about sex for yourself. I'm sorry if someone told you that it was.

Can you remind me again about where you are in the UK, assuming you're okay with that? I would just really like to make a round of looking for some possible local help for you myself, including asking around with some UK colleagues.

[Science_Geek]

I am trying to find a new therapist, as I don't know when this one will be back. I have never brought it up because I have never thought about it.

I guess I was kind of hoping it was like going to the doctor and them telling me I have "xyz" and this is the information on it... very cut and dry and to the point. I don't think I was expecting that I could claim it by myself.

I will order the books on Amazon, but unfortunately it may not be until January. I don't have a place to hide them from my mom when she comes to visit. I know it is childish, but I cannot talk about this with her. At least not yet. I'm kind of worried about reading that childhood book without a therapist to talk through it with.

I sent an email regarding my location as well as all the organizations in this area that I have tried. It is unfortunately a very remote place. But hopefully only in this location for another year or 2. Although my name is not attached to this, I don't really want to say publicly where I am. I can send another email if that is better.

[Heather]

I'll take a look around when I get that email, thanks (and that's just fine).

Am I getting it right, though, that when your mother visits where you live, she goes through your things? In other words, there's nowhere you can put anything she doesn't go through? If so, that sounds to me like a basic healthy boundary you want to start making not matter what, for all kinds of reasons.

I don't think you need a therapist to read that book. A therapist wrote it, a quite adept one, and I think knowing it it's safe to say that's just not likely to be necessary for anyone. I'm not sure what you're imagining it is, but sounds like whatever that is might be unrealistic. It's just a book, talking about things much in the same way we have been.

[Science_Geek]

She won't go through my stuff, but since it is university accommodation there is no dresser (so no drawers) and no where to hide the books. She wont go through journals or anything like that but there is no place to tuck away books so they are out of sight.

I just know I trigger easily and tend to trigger myself so I am worried the book will trigger me. And I don't cope well as it is.

[Sam W]

Hi Science_Geek,

When it comes to concealing a book, a tried and true trick is to turn it pages out rather than spine out in a stack or a shelf. Tucking it away under a pillow or a pile of papers works well too.

With reading, it can help to have a plan for what to do if the book becomes too much. That could be going outside, going to go eat something, reading or watching something light, and so one. Sometimes just knowing you have a plan can help you feel calmer about doing something.

[Science_Geek]

Hi,
I was thinking about putting the books in a file box or at work in my locked cabinet.

A plan sounds good. Now hopefully I will be able to stick to it.

Thanks

[Sam W]

That's also a good solution! And with the plan, having it physically written down somewhere can make it feel more concrete and easier to follow through with doing.

[Science_Geek]

Thank so much. Now to actually do it...