What to do when sex itself becomes the elephant in the bedroom?

[weirdus]

Hi

I don't think I have a real concrete question, but I am lost, so any advice, links, similar stories, ... are very welcome, hence why I post here.
Scarleteen has, like any reasonable sexual education site, a few topics and stories about not getting an erection and ed. However, it's usually a boy/men's question and the answer to try to talk about it and not stress (cause it really does make things worse, I know). I am greatly simplifying here, but the thing is, I'm no boy, and I can't stop my boyfriend from worrying. Quite frankly I probably make things worse instead.

Long story (as) short (as I can put it): my current boyfriend and I have been together for over two years now, but I feel like I have about enough fingers to count all the times we had (penetrative) sex. I had a relation before, where sex was a given, I didn't enjoy it much (different story) but it was never an issue, it just worked, my boyfriend was a newbie in relations (and kinda by consequence sex). We both learned a lot about relations and sexuality together, and I honestly felt like a newbie sometimes too. One of the things he showed me is how absolutely amazing and intimate penetration can feel, to the point where I get ticklish and teary eyed just writing this. We do other things, and we really enjoy other things, but sometimes I just crave that feeling, and it makes sex not working sooo much worse. If sex still felt like it did three years ago, I wouldn't care (well, I would, because my boyfriend feels bad about it, but you get the point) but now I have been crying, mad, feeling helpless, ... every emotion you can think of. And I am sure it doesn't help my boyfriend not worry, but sometimes I really can't help myself. After sex cuddles are such a vulnerable and emotional time. I feel like he doesn't miss it as much, he just hates seeing me like that, and is frustrated that it doesn't just work. It's not a physical issue, I think, cause he will (usually) get beautiful erections when I masturbate him or give a blowjob. (He doesn't really masturbate alone as much for all I know, cause he says he doesn't enjoy it for the sensation but more for the 'us' contex and feelings, and I won't tell him to, everyone has their feelings and desires and if he thinks it's not worth it alone, that's a valid thought, although I do think it would maybe help his confidence.) But with penetration it just becomes a mess, he doesn't stay hard and a half hard, kinda, not really erection is like a -- euh, this won't fit, what is happening, sorry, hope I'm not hurting you, ... oke, I give up -- type situation.

I think it might have it's roots in our very first times, just first time performance anxiety, it's such a common thing, certainly if you know your (younger) girl has had sex many times before, and you have barely seen a condom up close. I get it, and I kinda knew it was likely to happen at that time, cause even before he had been consious about not having an erection (mostly me seeing that) when being intimate. --- So I tried to comfort him. I (let alone my ladyparts) aren't always in the mood either, it's a normal thing, I can enjoy a naked hug or shower together without feeling like sex. --- So yeah, we talked about it a bit too, and it got better kinda, but it never really went away I think (should have kept a record, but then again, that would be depressing) and I think a combination of bad luck, communication struggles, weird feelings ... got us where we are now instead of getting over it completely.

I also know that it's not just his 'fault' (it's no ones fault, but for lack of a better word), it's me too, I will at this point often also not dare to propose something or show initiative, out of a fear of either another blow to his ego or another dissappointment for myself, or both. And also, I sometimes, just don't know what positions work how anymore, it's like it's out of my memory by now, and if it's a kinda maybe situation and your fumbling ... yeah. It's not like we're trying anything crazy, but he might ask me to go on top (or I want to myself, cause I love doing that: I can tease him and it takes away his fear of comming too soon) but the angle is hard to get at once if it's been few and far between I feel like.

So yeah, we kinda bond over it often and discover new things, but it's been over a year now, and it has kinda become a viscous cycle, and we don't see how to get out of it. Getting into all the issues and feelings involved, I could write for hours, it is complicated is an understatement. However, we talked about it many times, and we both want to make an effort to get out of it, so really really, thanks to anyone with some suggestions.

(FYI: I'm on a year abroad now, and although I will see him a few times, it's kinda a break in our sexlives, which might be a good thing, although I'm not sure, it made his last visit kinda worse on this topic too, cause well, we don't really have as much of a chance to make up for it again (like usually, we would have another night a few days later or the next week with maybe only oral sex, but that felt good with no dissapointment and the like), so it has had a bad aftertaste and I think there was some added presure too.)

And before anyone goes this way, he does pleasure me in all kinds of other ways, I sometimes even have to tell him to just leave it at cuddles for once, cause he apparently enjoys it. So yeah, that is not an issue, I just miss and crave that unique intimacy of sex. And the other way around, I will sometimes get the remark that I don't have to at times where I want to please him or if I'm in not such an energetic mood he dares to ask me for it (long story, but it absolutely doesn't have to mean I don't want to, or won't enjoy it at those times.)

I don't wanna loose this relation, I love the guy so much, but I feel so stuck

(for context maybe, although given that I grew up being in class with people two years older then me for as long as I can remember, age means very little to me, I'm 19)

[Sam W]

Hi Weirdus,

This sounds like a stressful situation for both of you. And, because stress is often a culprit in erectile difficulties, you're right in that this is kind of creating a cycle where he's stressed about not being able to maintain an erection which then makes it more likely that he won't be able to. When the two of you are being sexual together, do you feel like the question of whether penetrative sex will happen is always somewhere in your mind and his?

[weirdus]

Hi Sam, thanks for your reply

Not always, but quite regularly, personally I try to consiously set a different focus sometimes, which sometimes helps
For my boyfriend, well, he's not here with me, so I can't really ask, but I think from what he said about it in the past, it's worse for him, which, well, no big surprise there.

[Sam W]

Okay, so one thing to try is to deliberately take penetrative sex out of the equation for the next few times you're sexual. That will decrease the pressure you both feel as well as the "maybe it will happen/maybe it won't" mindset that might be causing him stress. Then, slowly add penetrative sex back in as a possibility but explicitly agree that it's not the goal. If it happens, great. If not, no big deal. Having that be an spoken agreement between the two of you can help lessen some of the pressure he is feeling. Just to check, is he on any medications?

Another option to explore is sex toys, if that's something you're open to, as they can introduce new sensations into the mix, and some of those sensations may match the feeling you're looking for.

[weirdus]

Besides the thing for his stomach two weeks ago, I don't think he has even taken a painkiller since we met, so no, no medications

It kind of sounds like giving up, so I don't fancy having that talk with my boyfriend, I find it so tricky to suggest anything without making him feel bad about it.
But yeah, it kinda makes sense to ban it for a while. So I'll try to convince myself of it, and then dig up my best communication skills too.

I do wonder though, how do you get back to it, isn't it like even more of that maybe, maybe not? It never just happens, right? At least, I've never suddely realised there was a penis inside (hello, pregnancy scare) And after all of this we kinda find it hard to gage how cooperative his little friend is feeling. And well, it's no situation to start doing a well tought out estimation ... but every failed guess feels horrible too.

There is some curiosity towards sex toys from both of us, but between a student budget and nosy parrents ... well we bought a little toy once, found it weird, and not really fitting when were together. One of my last frustration episodes though, I put aside my awkward feelings and asked if he minded, we had some fun together, but to this day I don't know why I did and if I should have, so yeah, there is that
I don't think there will be any new toys soon anyway, I don't want him to feel replaceble and because my feelings are also very emotion based, I don't think there is that much to expect there.

[Sam W]

If you find it can sometimes be challenging to talk with him about this, or other sexual things, this article can be really helpful: Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner

I suppose what I mean with slowing introducing it as an option is to still keep your focus on doing other sexually pleasurable activities and then, if you feel the urge and his body is responding in a way that allows it to happen, to go ahead and try penetration. If it works, then great! If not, then you can go back to doing other things (again, trying as hard as you both can to not see the lack of penetration as a failure or a disappointment).

There's certainly nothing wrong with having used a sex toy before when you two were together. If it helps, think of sex toys as a supplement rather than a replacement. They're about adding in new or additional sensations to partner sex, rather than about replacing your partner or indicating they're inadequate. When you say your feelings about penetration are very emotion based, can you tell me a little more about that?

[weirdus]

Thanks for the link, communicating is super important, doesn't make it easy though, and I'm the worst of us two I think, but we're working on it, and have been for a while. I honestly don't think we would still be together and have sex if we didn't.

Feel it and you'll figure it out is probably the best way you can explain it, thanks for trying, it's not really comforting me though.
I trust we will figure it out some day, but it's hard, cause neither of us have a frame of reference (like of how it 'should' be), and if you're using condoms like we do, it makes it more of a desicion then a halfconscious trial, I feel like. That's why I'm weary of some sort of relapse situation, because it is so hard to not make it feel as a disappointment of some sorts.
(I have been considering going on the pill, to take that barrier away, but besides not even being able to stick to a daily vitamine if my mum puts them on the table every morning, I am very affraid of side effects of any hormones, cause due to previous trauma (long story) I get quite bad headaches from just about everything. So I don't fancy going trough five different brands and being miserable for months if I can help it.)

It isn't wrong, but I don't feel good about it either. Knowing and feeling are'nt always the same :/

Emotion based, I don't have a sound proof for that like with most real life things, but in the best way I can explain: I can usually place any (sexual) situation or activity or feeling or ... in one of two categories; sexdrive or intimacy (I don't have words for them really, but for sake of explaining, let's call them this).
Sexdrive encompasses looking at my boyfriend and thinking gosh your hot, I wanna eat you, doing my hair loose when I give him a blowjob (roleplay, maybe), most of my orgasms, when he holds my head during a blowjob, ...
Intimacy are things like falling asleep together and after sex cuddles, my boyfriend suckeling and pretending to be a little baby, when I make him come whilst we look at eachother, when he masturbates me very slowly without any orgasmlike intentions, anything with feet ...

It's hard to give examples, because it often depends more on my/our mood/internal dialog than on the thing happening, however, I think these examples give an idea. It's basically things that just feel sexy or feel good physically and things that feel so good because of an emotional reason, the security of falling asleep in a cuddle, the fact that my boyfriend knows and acknowledges that I want kids and if it weren't for society and practical things, I would have had some years ago, seeing he trusts me to take him to this place in his mind where he isn't really aware of things for a moment, discovering together and very consciously allowing him to touch my vagina, my boyfriend has something with feet and I think it's cute ... (there are of some other things like masages, random kisses trought the day, holding hands ... that are also in the intimacy batch, without having a specefic emotion/story, they are just little hints of love and trust without any presure for sex)

Anyway, although I can't express the underlying emotion clearly for every occasion in the second category, they also feel so different from sexy things, and penetration is consistently (besides one time I think) in that intimacy class and it is the most intens of all of them, it just gives me this overwelming feeling of I love this guy to bits, and don't ever dare to leave me. I will sometimes even start crying and have my boyfriend asking if he's hurting me, but it's the most beautiful thing. (Not that I don't love him otherwise, of course, but I don't otherwise feel this overwelmed. And feelings are hard to explain.)
He knows this, and he tells me that that is a beautiful reason to be so upset about the whole thing, but let's be honest, no matter what the reason, being upset is not helping it.

Knowing all of this about how I feel things in sex, I just don't think I could ever feel this close and in love with my boyfriend with toys. I didn't have this with my previous boyfriend (probably because that wasn't a healty relation) and I know a lot of people don't have penetrative sex or don't give it this special meaning. Even my boyfriend likes a blowjob just as much, it's just a welcome change for him, but to me it means the world and I don't know why, but I am very happy I got to know this feeling.

(fyi: very very occasionally, when all factors involved play out nicely, he will bring me to a "place" close to that with his fingers, but I just want our sex back quite frankly.)

[Sam W]

It sounds like something that might help is to focus on those activities that do elicit that deeper emotional reaction in you. That can help you miss penetrative sex less while it's off the table. And, at a certain point, all you and he can do is keep experimenting and being patient and see what happens.

Something else to keep in mind is that sexual response and arousal can be effected by things like general life stress. So if he's feeling particularly anxious or stressed about something else in his life, that could be effecting his ability to get or maintain an erection.