Sexual frustration?

[Hedvig]

I'm 15, cis, and hetero. I'm a girl. I'd say I look pretty average, but I dress quite nicely and I use makeup which improve my appearance. People usually describe me as smart, I get good grades, and I have many hobbies: I draw and paint, I write, read, play sports (volleyball), and I play the flute since a couple of years. I also play guitar, but on that front I'm a complete novice. I love to have conversations with people and like to learn new things. To give some context to everything, I entered puberty very early. I developed breasts at 8 years old, got my period at 10 - 11, and in between an older girl introduced me to porn and I began masturbating. At 12 I was already completely physically developed, and around that time was when I began becoming frustrated. I went through some shit at the time, thinking I was trans, which distracted me, but I got a grip when I was 13 and went back to my "normal" self. I still masturbate a lot, but sometimes I don't do it at all and sometimes I do it multiple times a week. To be clear, I'm a virgin - never even kissed someone (seriously, that is. I had a "boyfriend" when I was 7. We would "kiss" each other, a peck on the lips, you know) which is becoming increasingly frustrating. I'm absolutely aware that I'm young (age of consent is 15 in my country though) and that no one owes anybody else sex, but it's honestly very irritating. I've had a few crushes in the last two years, and being turned down in a rude way when I actually tried getting close to one of them really had a toll on my self esteem. I want to have a serious, sexual relationship, but there is literally no one approaching me in any way. I have many friends, and although we're not "popular", it's not like we're social outcasts either. No one has ever been interested sexually in me. The only people that have "liked" me have been over the internet, which I personally don't count. I'm not interested in long-distance either. I barely even get any male attention at all and although I'm not showing it (I try to maintain a positive attitude) it's really starting to piss me off. Why do boys not bother with me? Why does no one have any sexual/romantic interest in me at all? I hear "there are plenty of fish in the sea" so often I want to dramatically rip my ears off when I hear the phrase. I have a friend who's like me, developed but a virgin, who wants to be sexually active, but she never tries to do anything about it - I've tried getting in contact with my crushes, maintaining conversations, being friendly and whatnot, I've even tried asking one out - but it all goes to shit. I feel like I'm at the same level as her and she's quite antisocial, refuses to put herself "out there", cries for everything, and (pet peeve of mine that I can't stand) always has really bad breath. Because she's my friend and we have a quite large group of friends she opens up more, and then her qualities are visible to us, but honestly when I first met her I got the impression that she was really meek submissive, and uninteresting. I'm not much like her. I don't understand why I'm on the same level as her? I do so many things, I participate in discussions, practice my hobbies, spend a lot of time away from home, am invested in politics and culture, and I'm still single, never even been on a date. What is wrong with me? I'm getting more frustrated every day and it's honestly eating me up. I guess this turned into more of a rant, but I haven't been able to get this out.

[Sam W]

Hi Hedvig,

It can be very frustrating when you want to be in a romantic and sexual relationship and yet aren't having any luck doing so. I say "luck" because that's one of the biggest, yet often ignored, factors at play when it comes to finding a partner. You have to be in the same place at the same time as a person you like, they have to like you back, and you both have to be in a place in your lives where dating is feasible. That takes some lucky timing. You're doing a lot to try and meet people and let the people you're attracted to know that you like them, which is awesome. Being up front with your feelings helps you find the people who like you back. But it's not guarantee of finding a partner. Too, it's not at all unusual for someone your age to have never been on a date or had sex, so you might be able to lessen some of your frustration by reminding yourself that you're not somehow "falling behind" other people.

Something else I'd recommend is to, as much as you can, stop comparing yourself to other girls (be they your friends or complete strangers). When you look at other girls and go "I'm not like X, so why am I dateless" or "if only I was more like Y, maybe then someone would date me" you're reinforcing for yourself the idea that there's one or two correct or most effective ways to meet a partner. The truth is, shy introverts can end up with partners just as often as outgoing, popular girls can. By letting goes of those comparisons, you can lessen some of your frustration (and, as an aside, I found my life got way, way easier when I stopped comparing myself to other women).

[Hedvig]

Hey, Sam,
I guess you're right. Thanks for not patronizing me.
And yeah, I know that I compare myself to others quite a lot... I think I base a lot of my own self-worth on other people's opinions of me and my own opinion on others (e.g if I find myself to be better or above them) which isn't good. It's just really difficult to change. Honestly, I think some of the frustration about this whole dating thing comes from me wanting to feel accomplished, more so than others around me. Finding a partner might be some way for me to show accomplishment, like "look, I'm able to get into a relationship" or "look, boys and men find me attractive". I know that's not the whole reason, but it could be part of it.

[Sam W]

Maybe, then, one place to go with this is finding other ways in your life to feel accomplished or feel more secure in your opinion of yourself (which can definitely be difficult, because we are so often taught to base our worth on how others see us). There's a few starting tips for that in these articles: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/bodie ... ulfillment .
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/etc/t ... _right_now

When you think about your life, are there activities that you enjoy, or that you feel you're skilled at? Are there qualities that you particularly like about yourself?

[Hedvig]

I mean, it's not like I base my whole existence on whether or not people like me, but I do think it's part of my frustration. And well yes, I do enjoy my hobbies, and I like aspects of myself: like my capability to create - having quite a good imagination and drive, but I find myself often thinking that I'm not good enough, feeling as though I can always improve something, which makes me feel less good about them.

[Alice O]

Hey Hedvig,

Is it okay that I'm jumping in? Sam has headed out for the day. (If you would prefer to keep talking to Sam, just say so. She can pick up with you when she's back.)

It sounds like you are wanting a sexual and romantic relationship, feeling ready for one, and also putting yourself out there. So I understand feeling frustrated that nothing has worked out! As Sam said, so much of finding a partner comes down to factors we can't control. It sounds like you are focused on improvement and accomplishment in your life right now, which can be great in many areas! But as you are noticing, sex & dating is one of those areas where there isn't a clear "if I do x, y, and z I will be able to reach my goal." And having that be out of our control can be frustrating, and make us feel powerless in the face of something we really want.

There are a few ideas I have for you, if you have the interest and energy to dive in to them right now:

- In another thread, Heather said, "I find sometimes it helps to really get super-specific with what we're after when we want a thing and feel we're suffering without it: helps to best figure out how we might attain it, but sometimes it can also help us actually dial back our feeling of need for something." Do you want to try getting really super-specific about what you're wanting?

- Have you checked out the two articles that Sam linked above--"I Feel Good: Pleasure and Fulfillment" and "To Be...AWESOME or Just Be: Tips on Making the Most of Your Life Right Now." If so, what came up for you? I'd challenge you to frame this as *how you are already great but can grow/explore* rather than a need to improve yourself and your life because you are not good enough. Does that make sense?

- Since you are not finding sexual partners right now, but are feeling a strong sexual desire, are there ways that you can channel that into your masturbation? Sex just with oneself is a great time to further explore what feels good to us, try out new fantasies etc. And then we can share these discoveries with future sexual partners.

Basically some ideas to work "on the here and now while focusing on the future"--as one of the articles says

[Hedvig]

Hi Alice,
it's completely fine that you responded too. I'm glad you actually did, I feel like talking about the issue helps, so I'm thankful both you and Sam are willing to listen and give advice.

I think you're right in that I feel powerless. Most things in my life up to this point have been clear to me: if I do this, I'll get a good grade, if I practice my instruments I'll improve, if I do this and that I'll achieve what I want. I've taken so many quizzes, read so much advice, listened carefully in sex ed, listened to dozens of relationship stories, all to better myself and make myself look good and "date-able", but it's clearly not working out, which like you said, makes me feel powerless which causes a lot of frustration.

I think what it is that I want more exactly is physical, emotional, and intellectual stimulation. I'm bored, to a degree. I find myself over analyzing everything, to the point where even little pleasures like the ones in Sam's first article stop being pleasurable to me. I can always manage to find a fault, or something that will lead to a fault, in most things I do, which takes the pleasures out of them. I get bored quickly, and what drives me is usually no longer my own grit and ambition but my need to feel validated by other people. Which makes me angry at myself, because I find it pathetic, and it just goes on and on. Because praise and other people's respect is all that drives me, successes don't feel great. I mean sure, I feel fantastic in the moment, but it doesn't feel like an accomplishment, if that makes sense? I feel like I've gone off topic, but I guess it boils down to a mixture of wanting to have stimulation on different levels, partly because I feel bored and frustrated with, I guess, life. And as much as I don't want to admit it because it's shallow, I also partly want to prove to others and myself that I'm good enough - attractive enough, smart enough, interesting enough - to get a partner.

[Alice O]

Hey Hedvig,

Great to hear back from you

It sounds like a lot of self-criticism and self-worth stuff is coming up for you right now. You said you can always find fault in the things you do. That you base a lot of your self-worth on other people's opinions of you, and find yourself seeking that external validation. And you said, "I also partly want to prove to others and myself that I'm good enough - attractive enough, smart enough, interesting enough - to get a partner."

First of all, I want to give you some huge props for recognizing those tendencies! Doing that type of reflection and then sharing what we discover is really hard work.

You are not alone, all of us experience these feelings of being critical of ourselves, wanting outside validation, wanting to prove to others we are X, Y, or Z. But since it seems to be coming up in some bigger ways for you right now, it seems like it'd be good to address it. Do you have any strategies you utilize when you brain says untrue things like "you aren't good enough"?

I also want to remind you that there is no one thing that makes someone "dateable." There are a million things that make people dateable because we are all our own unique weirdos and we are all looking for different things in relationships! What makes person A "dateable" in someone's eyes is going to be totally different from makes person B "dateable" in another person's eyes. To go back to our conversation about specificity, what are some super specific things that are awesome about you, as a person and as a potential partner? What are some specific things that endear you or attract you to a person, whether as a friend or partner? The more specific the better!

We get so many messages about how we are supposed to be, what we are supposed to be like while dating, what we are supposed to be like in sex--and it is a lot of (lifelong!) work to unlearn those things. I try to remind myself: really the FUN of it all is what is unique and weird about us. If people were passionate about the same things, liked the same kind of dates, found the same sexual things pleasurable...it'd get pretty boring.

I have some more that I want to say about boredom/stimulation and waiting for that partner to come along, but this is long enough! I will save those for after I hear back from you.

[Hedvig]

Hey again Alice,
Sorry for not responding for a while.

I don't really know if I have any strategies? I guess I distract myself with something else, be it entertainment like different types of media or just my hobbies, or simply some homework. Sometimes, although quite rarely, I'll have the odd cry and then go about my day. I think I internalize most of it, just kind of push it all to the side, and then I might have an outburst like I did in my original post.

I'd like to know those other things too. Thank you for paying so much attention to all of this.

[Alice O]

Hey Hedvig,

Of course! That's what we're here for

As you're noticing, when hard feelings come up and we consistently push them aside, they usually build up into an outburst rather than disappearing...So let's think of some things you can do when feelings of self-criticism or low self-esteem come up. Acknowledging that is what's happening is a great first step ("ugh there goes my jerkbrain again.") Letting some of those feelings out with a cry is often quite cathartic. Distracting ourselves with a different activity is also a great choice, especially distraction that helps us feel better. Scarleteen has a great list of self-care ideas: Self-Care a La Carte. Some of the ideas are things you could do in the moment of feeling bad, others are things you could incorporate more broadly. What do you see on there that seems like a good fit for you?

So far in this thread I feel like we've been touching on a few different things--dealing with self-criticism and self-esteem, feeling bored and unstimulated, and wanting a relationship/sexual activity. Most recently we've been focusing on that first one. We can continue to incorporate all those themes, but I am wondering: what would you like to focus on?