Boyfriend wants me to move in

[Katy95949]

So I have a serious problem here. Me and my boyfriend have been together for over 2 years now and right now he is deployed for 8 months. I have told him many times since we have been together that I don't want to move in together before marriage, I even told him this in the second month we dated. He called me a few days ago and said that when he comes back from deployment, he wants me to move in with him although I have told him no many times because I feel that it is morally wrong but he keeps pressuring and making future plans for me to move in with him anyway. I told him that one of the reasons is that I don't want to get pregnant because I know that he will most likely leave me and i will be all alone in a different state that is far from home and I will be left with nothing. It makes me nervous because he is also sexually irresponsible and I ask him to use condoms and he won't use them becaus she says that my IUD will always work, in which I know that they do fail rarely so I want to be safe but he doesn't. I feel very conflicted right now and I don't know what to do. I love him very much and I don't want to break up but I also don't want to move in with him until he marries me first. What do you think I should do or what are some compromises do you think that we could make to work this out?

[Katy95949]

So I have a serious problem here. Me and my boyfriend have been together for over 2 years now and right now he is deployed for 8 months. I have told him many times since we have been together that I don't want to move in together before marriage, I even told him this in the second month we dated. He called me a few days ago and said that when he comes back from deployment, he wants me to move in with him although I have told him no many times because I feel that it is morally wrong but he keeps pressuring and making future plans for me to move in with him anyway. I told him that one of the reasons is that I don't want to get pregnant because I know that he will most likely leave me and i will be all alone in a different state that is far from home and I will be left with nothing. It makes me nervous because he is also sexually irresponsible and I ask him to use condoms and he won't use them becaus she says that my IUD will always work, in which I know that they do fail rarely so I want to be safe but he doesn't. I feel very conflicted right now and I don't know what to do. I love him very much and I don't want to break up but I also don't want to move in with him until he marries me first. What do you think I should do or what are some compromises do you think that we could make to work this out?

[thewrit3r]

Hi,

This might come across as rude and I apologize beforehand if it does, but I think the biggest problem in this picture is your boyfriend.

From what you wrote, he does not respect your requests. You said you told him multiple times you don’t want to move in before marriage but he’s ignored your wishes. He refuses to use condoms even when you point out that it’s a safe sex practice.

Obviously you know your boyfriend better than I do, but from what I read there is lack of respect/compromise on his part and that would not make a healthy relationship, nor a healthy marriage. You may be able to talk to him again but I would strongly suggest having serious discussion about how he needs to respect your wishes and when you say you aren’t comfortable with something (such as moving in or not using condoms) he should respect that or (if it’s plausible) come up with a compromise, but you both need to be on the same page.

[Katy95949]

Hello, I feel that these are very serious issues that will cause problems between me and him. Do you have any ideas about the different types of compromises that we can make in order to work through this disagreement in our relationship?

[Alice O]

Hi Katy9549,

Welcome to the boards! We’re happy to have you here

Although it may not be the news you want to hear, for the most part I am going to be echoing the writ3r’s response.

Your boyfriend is not respecting your limits and boundaries. No matter how big or how small those limits or boundaries, that is a bad sign in a relationship. And in this case, they are really big ones! Big ones like where you are going to live and what you are going to do to ensure you do not become pregnant.

I am hearing loud and clear that you do not want to move in before marrying this person, that you do not want to get pregnant, and that you do want to use two forms of birth control--IUD and condoms--to ensure you don’t get pregnant (and to protect against STIs). It sounds like your boyfriend is also hearing these decisions loud and clear and is blatantly overruling them. That shows me that he cares more about himself and his own desires than he does about your happiness, comfort, and safety. Does that make sense?

At the end of your post you said “I love him very much and I don't want to break up but I also don't want to move in with him until he marries me first.” From what I am hearing in this post it sounds like your boyfriend is not showing you love and care and respect in pretty big ways. This makes me think that not only should you not marry this person, but you probably shouldn’t be with him moving forward. Can you share more with me about what makes you not want to break up? What is it that you really like about him? What is that you really like about being in a relationship with him?

Finally I want to give you some big props for noticing that something wasn’t right with these dynamics. You started your post saying “I have a serious problem” and you also identified that what he is doing is pressuring you. It is hard (often scary!) work to identify these dynamics in our relationships, so big thumps up.

Looking forward to hearing from you

[Katy95949]

Hello!
The reason that I don't want to break up with him may sound stupid but it is basically just because I love him so much. He was the first and the only man I've ever had sex with and that's probably the biggest thing. I've always waited for him and given him so much love every time he has to go away for the military. He makes me happy for the most part, but he always pressures me to do things I don't want to do and criticizes a lot. We have had a lot of really rough patches but we always seem to make it work, but he is the most selfish person I've probably ever met. What should I do?

[Alice O]

Hey Katy,

Your reason doesn't sound stupid at all. It sounds like you've given a lot, both time (2 years) and energy (all that waiting and love when he goes away). Sometimes when we end relationships it can feel like we've "wasted" that time or that love that we gave, but I think that is really not true! Would be happy to talk more about that if that interests you.

I am hearing you that the main reason you don't want to break up is that he was your first sexual partner, and that feels really important. (Do you feel it would be "wrong" to not marry your first sexual partner?) Also, you said in your first post that you feel moving in with him would be morally wrong. I am wondering what is influencing these beliefs for you. Religion? Family? Culture? Could you share a bit more about that?

To be honest, I am unfortunately not surprised to hear that he criticizes you a lot. If a person doesn't respect their partner's decisions and boundaries, and pressures them, then it is not out of character for them to also be highly critical. Being critical of someone is another way to disrespect them, to try to put them down, to ignore their feelings and needs.

I really do hear you that right now you do not want to break up with this person and that you love him a lot. But I would like you to read through the conversation so far, starting with your first post, and pretend that Katy95949 was a friend of yours. How would her boyfriend's treatment of her make you feel? What would you suggest she do? Would you want her to stay in a relationship with this person?

[Katy95949]

I know that most people tell me that we should break up but I am the kind of person that really likes to work through things and I know that if we broke up, I would be extremely heartbroken and would not be able to bear the pain because I love him so much. I do have a religious background which is probably the main reason why I don't want to move in with him before marriage. I also feel very guilty for having sex with him before marriage also. I just really wish he could see my value because I feel that I am an absolutel perfect girlfriend to him and I would lay down my life for him and I know he loves me too but I feel that I love him a lot more than he loves me. I wish he respected my body a lot more and would be more cautious and respect me by using more protection and not making me feel bad for not wanting to have sex with him. This is another large reason why I don't want to move in with him is because I don't want to feel that pressure from him when I already feel bad about having sex in the first place. I really want to be with him and spend the rest of my life with him but I really wish that he would marry me before doing anything else. I feel that marriage would also take away that guilt for me and make me enjoy everything a lot more for thy reason.

[Alice O]

Hey Katy,

Good to hear from you

It sounds like you are a really generous partner--you have already put a lot of work into this relationship, even posting here shows that you really want things to go well between you two and you are ready to put in the work to get there. He on the other hand does not seem like a generous partner, nor one who is ready to put in the work. As you said earlier, "he is the most selfish person I've probably ever met."

It really sounds like you want to be in a relationship with a *version* of him, but it is not the version he is right now. And ultimately, the person who you are dating is him right now. You have articulated a lot that you want from your partner--all perfectly reasonable things to want! You want them to respect your body, to value you as a person, to love you as much as you love them, to not pressure you, to want to be safe with you when having sex. And, as you have outlined, he is doing none of these things. Do you know who could? So many people! There are so many wonderful people out there who could be a great partner for you. A partner who would respect your body, value you as person, love you deeply, honor your limits and boundaries, and want to be safe with you when having sex. But he is not that partner. And even if he married you? He would still not be that partner.

It sounds like talking through some of the guilt you have related to religion, and sex, and having sex before marriage is a really important step towards even just *being open* to the *possibility* of moving on from your first sexual partner. Can you share some more about the guilt? What activities makes you feel guilty? Do those around you, like friends or family make you feel guilty? What is your current relationship to your religion or spirituality? Are there any strategies you utilize to make yourself feel better when when the guilt comes up?

[Katy95949]

To be completely honest, I don't enjoy sex. Right now, I feel like I only do it to make him happy. I feel that I would enjoy it a lot if we were married because I wouldn't feel guilty about it and if I were to get pregnant, i would not feel bad about it or feel like it's the end of the world. I would actually love and cherish my baby at that point. My worry is that if I was to get pregnant now or when we move in together, he would leave me all alone and i would have nowhere to go in a state that's far away from home and i would feel ashamed of myself, but I would still love my baby a lot. To me, breaking up is not an option since we have already had sex and t is against my religion to move on and find someone else after you have already given yourself away. One major problem I have that I struggle with too is that he will cheat. I hear many stories of military men who cheat while they are deployed and it makes me start to wonder because even when he is at home and we spend time together, he always compliments other girls in front of me and tells me how he wishes I looked like that. Now that he is actually deployed, I feel that we have become closer though because he does try his best to message me everyday and say that he loves me and that I am gorgeous, which he never really did before. It makes me feel happy. He normally shows love by buying me lots of things but the truth is, I don't perceive love as being expensive gifts. I prefer compliments and attention as a show of love. Everything was going pretty well in our relationship until he kept bringing up moving in together and forcing the idea on me. Actually today, he made me feel very uncomfortable because he is already making plans and trying to rent an apartment for "us" even though I told him no. I feel very conflicted with everything right now but I am opposed to breaking up with him.

[Katy95949]

I also wanted to add that I'm a pretty religious person, I don't pray all the time and go to religious buildings all the time, but in my belief system, I am very religious. One of the biggest obstacles we face is that my boyfriend is not religious at all so he does everything as he pleases and tries to always force me to go against my belief system for him, it's very aggravating and hurtful.

[thewrit3r]

You keep using the words “force” and “pressure” when referring to your boyfriend’s treatment of you. You also said that he said he wished you looked like other girls. My mouth actually dropped when I read that because it’s just showing more and more that this guy does not respect you. I know you want to stay with him but it seems like you’re realizing that the way he’s treating you isn’t right (you said you think he’d leave you alone if you got pregnant which means he’s a really terrible boyfriend and you’re only having sex to please him) which is true. You deserve so much better. If you treat him with respect he should do the same. Relationships are a two-way street.

Why do you feel like sex outside of marriage is wrong? What is it that your religion says about it that it’s wrong? Also is this something you believe or do you think it because your parents told you? I am not trying to change your religious beliefs but I am curious as to why you feel like you’ve “given” yourself away by having sex with him, because sex is just one of the many aspects of our lives.

[Katy95949]

I feel like sex outside of marriage is wrong because I am a very traditional person and my religion tells me that it is something that is only meant for marriage because it is something that should be shared when two people truly love each other, which is proven through marriage. The reason I decided to have sex with him is because I knew that he was the one and I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. Now that I have doen that, I cannot possibly be with someone else. I believe that when you have sex with one person, then you must marry them, which is also what my religion says also. Non of it is influenced by my parents because they are a different religion than me, but they would also be very strongly opposed to me moving in with my boyfriend or anyone else before marriage.

[Sam W]

Hi Katy,

It sounds like your faith is very important to you, so I want to offer you a few thoughts about this situation from that angle (caveat: I'm not a religious expert, and I can't speak to the details of your specific faith). If it would be helpful to you, we could bring in someone who is a member of the clergy to offer their advice on this issue. My first thought is that you're not the first person to choose to have sex before marriage believing that your partner will become your spouse only to discover that they will not, in fact, be the person you marry. That can be incredibly saddening, especially when you feel you set aside or compromised a belief you held in order to be sexual with them. But there are plenty of people who have done so, ended the relationship (or had it ended for them) and still felt comfortable and at peace with that choice and with their faith.

The second thought I want to offer is that, while your faith is important to you, your boyfriend has already made it clear that it isn't important to him. He's trying to pressure you into setting aside another element of it (moving in together is only for married couples) on his behalf. I think that's a good indicator of what your marriage to him would entail: you constantly having to defend or relinquish your religious beliefs (and lots of other boundaries) while he pressures you to disregard them. That's not to say people of different faiths can't or don't have happy marriages. But those marriages that do work require a level of respect and communication that your boyfriend is not willing to offer.

Finally, there's the fact that this relationship is already deeply controlling and one-sided, and if you marry into it that dynamic will only worsen and get more toxic. I say this not to frighten you, but because all the data around abusive or controlling partners shows that the behavior only gets worse once marriage occurs. Since his career is in the military, it would be very easy for you to become isolated (or for him to isolate you) from your family, friends, and faith community. You deserve a chance to have a marriage in which you can be happy and practice your beliefs without a partner pressuring you at every turn. I also think that any divine force or entity would rather a person leave a relationship (even one that they had sex in) that is controlling and disrespectful rather than stay in it out of a sense of obligation. In many belief systems, marriage is meant to mirror one's relationship with the divine, meaning that both people show equal respect and love to one another. And while you may be trying to do just that with your boyfriend, he is clearly not trying to do it for you and shows no interest in changing that dynamic. Ergo, from the perspective of many faiths he is not someone you should enter into a marriage with.

[Katy95949]

I don't mean to sound rude, so forgive me ahead of time if it does, but I think my point is being missed here. To me, breaking up with him is not an option at this point even though everyone is telling me to. I love him to death and i have already had sex with him, so I cannot leave him and I don't want to leave him. My original question was basically asking how to say no to him about moving in with him. I would also like some recommendations on some compromises that we could make in order to make things work. Right now our relationship is very good, besides the whole idea of him trying to force me to move in with him, so I would really like some suggestions as to how to deal with this situation and some compromises that we could make between us.

[Sam W]

The thing is we, as responsible educators, can't help you on that front given what we know about his treatment of you. Please note that this is the service of an organization which is based on supporting young people in safe and emotionally healthy interpersonal interactions. We can't tell someone how to be in unsafe situations beyond telling them how to survive until they can get out. It would be totally unethical. His behavior matches too many red flags for us to advise anything other than leaving this relationship.I know you say your relationship is very good, but from any outside perspective it really, really, really isn't. So it's not within our professional ethics to give you advice on how to maintain it. If you're open to it, maybe not today when this is so fresh, I suggest looking at the work of Lundy Bancroft to see why we say what we do. And even if it was, you've already made your boundary clear to him. You've said no as much as you can. There isn't a way you can say it, no compromise you can make, that will be satisfactory to both of you. He wants you to move in. You don't want to. There is not a lot of wiggle room in that situation. I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear, but that's the truth of the matter. [Edited to add] Too, think of the last compromise you made: Can we talk about how that went? Did it improve your relationship? How he treats you? Do you think compromising around living together will change things based on what happened the last time?

And honestly, sex is not a binding contract, and no responsible person would tell you to stay with, let alone move in with, a person who is toxic to your heart and spirit because of it. You don't want to move in with him, that's reason enough not to. You don't need to justify why you don't want to to anyone.

[Katy95949]

Okay I understand. Thank you for your time and advice anyways, I really appreciate it.

[Sam W]

You're quite welcome. If you ever change you mind and decide you would like advice or support around leaving this relationship, you're more than welcome to ask us. In the meantime, there are a few links I want to give you in case you ever decide you want or need to read them.
The Scarleteen Safety Plan
Potholes & Dead Ends: Relationship Roadblocks to Look Out For
Does Your Relationship Need a Checkup?

[Heather]

I don't want to pile on you, Katy, so I sincerely hope this doesn't feel that way.

I actually really didn't want to get involved in this conversation directly because it has very deeply upset me. I have been watching it since yesterday, and my staff have been very patient with me and some backseat driving as a result. But I realized that I just didn't feel okay with letting my own discomfort, above all, keep me from just saying a little bit that I think -- I hope -- could maybe help you in some way. Some of this is quite personal, so I deeply apologize if I'm overstepping any boundaries.

Besides the fact that it is always sad and upsetting to have any user report the kind of treatment from a partner you are, and the kind of situation you're in with someone who is very clearly exhibiting behaviours (including reproductive coercion) that are emotionally abusive and/or controlling, and always upsetting to see anyone who feels they have no real choice but to stay with someone treating them that way, and who will probably get worse, there's a little more for me, here.

I think it's hit me particularly hard because it's something that threaded through one abusive side of my family, where religion, especially the kinds of ideas you're talking about about sex, played a huge part both in abuse done to others, but even more so, in how many generations of women, expressly, both got very trapped in these relationships with marriage and childbearing, but then also created families where not only were the children abused, but most of them just wound up repeating the same pattern. I'm someone who survived abuse in the family and saw how my mother really set me up for it -- not on purpose, mostly by virtue of never questioning the kind of stuff you don't seem to be questioning yourself, like any belief system that suggests a woman is forever indebted and must marry to somebody who just sticks their penis in her vagina, and that somehow that's just -- so it's not a shocker I did get an extra "oof" in following all of this.

One of my additional concerns is that I don't know what has you saying the kind of relationship you have described here as good (you know that it's not: you make clear in your posts with your own words that you are not experiencing something good), but if you think this is safe and good, I am also concerned about whatever church or other religious community/system that you seem to be saying is advising that a woman has no choice but to stay with a man she had sex with first, no matter what, even with someone who doesn't respect them or treat them well. I worry that perhaps this, too, isn't particularly safe emotionally. Please know I understand, too, the desire for a spiritual life. I'm a longtime practicing Buddhist: I get how important this part of life can be.

All in all, I'm super worried about you. I haven't stopped thinking about you and your situation -- particularly how I see you teetering on the precipice of a life that sounds like it's likely to be just awful, if I'm honest -- since last night.

You don't have to do anything with that: you certainly don't owe me anything. And of course, you still get to make whatever choices you're going to make around this, and we can only respect those. But if it offers you anything to know that people who know about all of what you have shared here are very concerned for you, including a deep concern for your safety, particularly as time goes on (abusive and controlling people always, always escalate when they are provided the opportunity: there really are no exceptions), please know that. And please know that the offer of a lifeline here like Sam made stands, whether that's something you want in a few days, a few months, or even years (I hope not, but still).

Like she said, we can't talk to someone about how to stay in something abusive or controlling and make it work, because...well, it doesn't. If people suffering in these dynamics could change them, could change the people mistreating them, we'd have figured that out a loooooooooooog time ago because goodness knows how many millions of people have tried. And it's our job to try and help people find and create emotionally healthy lives and relationships: it's counter to that to help anyone stay in something that's already bad in that department and most likely will keep getting worse.

But if you want help, or if you don't, but you just want to talk about how you are feeling in all of this, even if you do stay, so that you know at least someone is listening; if you want a place you can go where you know we will have your back, and won't deny things are bad when they are and will let you freely say how they are, please know we -- myself included -- are here. And that you're obviously deeply in our thoughts, and, for some of us, also our prayers.