Long distance

[Spiderman23]

Hi,

i met a really nice guy abroad back in August, he was so sweet and spent the whole night talking to him. Thing is we've got each other on social media now and he has said how he wishes he could visit me and things like that which puts lots of scenarios in my head in which we could be doing. I just can't seem to get him out of my head and I want to see him literally right this second but I obviously can't. I just don't know what to do because it's impractical him living 9+ hours away from me but I can't stop thinking about him.

[Heather]

You know, honestly, I feel like with all the tech we have now, long-distance relationships are far less impractical than they used to be. And sometimes it's just fine being involved with distance (heck, sometimes it's even nice: not everyone wants something in-person or super-close all the time, or at the start).

So, okay, you can't see him. But sounds like you're both interested in each other and both feeling like you connected. Sounds like you're enjoying communicating via social media, no? Why not go ahead and keep exploring this?

[Spiderman23]

Yeah I feel as though we connected, he just seems like such a gentleman like the night I met him he gave me his jacket as he could tell I was freezing. He has said he'd love to meet up and get to know me better which makes me want to see him more! What do I do?!

[Heather]

What do you want to do?

[Spiderman23]

That's the thing I don't know! I just keep thinking how impractical it'd be being with someone who lives so far away. The time difference makes it difficult for us to chat as well but ever since he told me he wants to see me again, I just can't stop thinking about him.

[Heather]

What do you mean by impractical? Do you mean that there isn't a way you can explore this, at all, that works for you?

What if for now you just make some time to chat in the way you can, and see how that goes? I mean, who ever knows with a given person what we will want and mutually figure out is the right kind of relationship for us. Maybe this won't turn out to be something you'd even want in person, or maybe this is a something that actually works best as the occasional chat with flirtation (which can be satisfying as a thing all by itself). Know what I mean? Sounds to me like you're thinking pretty far ahead about something you haven't even stuck much of a toe in to figure out what you might want in the first place. Why not just explore it a little bit in the way you can for now?

[Heather]

(Full disclosure: I have had a lot of long-distance relationships, still do, from friendships to family to sexual or romantic relationships. I have actually learned about myself over the years that that's because there's a lot I like about them. So, if you want an LDR naysayer, I can find you someone else. )

[Spiderman23]

By impractical i just meant if something were to happen I don't know how much I would see him and I bet it'd be so difficult. Yeah I have this thing where I look far ahead into things when nothing signals it is actually going to happen if that makes sense? I wish he lived closer but maybe the distance will make the heart grow fonder as the saying goes.

[Sam W]

LDRs can be tricky, you've got that right. But they can also be really enjoyable, and in some ways I think they can actually make it easier to ignore that habit of thinking way, way far ahead. Because there are built-in constraints (distance, time zones), you can focus a little less energy on working out the constraints of a new relationship and a little more energy on getting to know this cool new person. Does that make sense?

[Spiderman23]

Yeah I totally get it! I just am a bit put out atm because I tried talking to him after I finished work but because of the time difference he was still working. I kinda got the hint and didn't want to be a pest so I told him that I'll let him go, he said that we will talk later and I left the ball in his court as my last message was for him to message me whenever. He hasn't messaged me since, got the odd snapchat off him but even when I reply to his snapchat, he just opens them and doesn't reply. I mean I know some of the snapchats you can't really reply to but it's rubbish as I want to talk. But then last night he said how he wishes to count the days down until he sees me so I'm just a bit puzzled (sorry if this is all over the place)

[Sam W]

It can be a little puzzling if you feel like the words and actions of a partner don't quite match up. Can you give me a sense of how much discussion you and he have had about your expectations for the day to day workings of this relationship, including things like how much and when you want to communicate with each other?

[Spiderman23]

I'd probably say there's been little chat on it, I mentioned how it's difficult with time difference and work and he just agreed really.

[Sam W]

Maybe, then, a good next step would be for the two of you to set aside time in the next few days to talk about those topics. It may be that you and he have slightly different expectations or ideas about how things like communication work in LDRs and clearing them up could help the relationship go more smoothly. This article has some great tips for what topics to cover in that conversation (as well as other advice on LDRs): Going the Distance: A Few Thoughts on Long-Distance Relationships