Meh Intercourse

[capablehippie]

So. My boyfriend and I had intercourse for the first time recently. It was okay. It hurt when he went too far in, but that's all that was hurting, and whenever he accidentally did that, I just said it was too far and he pulled back a bit. So the first time was just getting used to things like that mostly. I didn't expect it to be out of this world, and I was happy about how it went.
We tried it again another day, with more time for other sex beforehand and more lube. It went a little better, but still wasn't stellar for either of us. I wish I could fit more of his penis inside of me, I think that would make it feel better, and make it easier to thrust without it coming out or having to be too careful of going too far in. Do you think it's possible that I will be able to have more without it hurting if we keep trying? It seems like we must be doing something wrong if neither of us is really enjoying it...

[al]

Hi there capablehippie,

Unfortunately, what you're describing is an experience that a lot of folks write in about, especially when they're having penetrative sex for the first time. That's because the vulva and the vagina have to go through some physical changes in order for penetrative sex to be a) not painful b) pleasurable. When someone says that having penetrative sex is painful, what's usually happening is that they're not quite aroused or lubricated enough. I know you mentioned that you used lube the second time and that it helped a little - were you self-lubricating at all?

Another thing to consider is not just the physical aspects of arousal, but also your state of mind - were you feeling nervous or distracted at all? How do you feel about trying this new sexual activity?

Here are a few resources that might be helpful to look at in the meantime:
From Ow To Wow! Demystifying Painful Intercourse
When Sex Is Just A @#*&!ing Bummer
With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy For Every Body

[capablehippie]

So, after a while those changes will happen and it will feel better?
We used lube both times, we just used more the second time. I was very wet the second time because he had just done the oral sex on me for a considerable period of time.
I was nervous even though I wanted to do it, and he was too.
I didn't expect much from this physically, but I'm wondering why it didn't feel good for him. Maybe because he gets pleasure from giving me pleasure, and I'm not enjoying it so far and because he's been nervous. I'll talk to him and see what he thinks about continuing to try it.

Thanks for the quick reply and other reading!

[thewrit3r]

Just wanted to add that maybe intercourse isn’t your thing, at least right now. Sometimes people feel like intercourse is the only “real” sex when sex is quite broad, but that might not have been something that crossed your mind. In any case, I’m sure you and your boyfriend will find something you both enjoy, whether it’s intercourse or something else or both.

[capablehippie]

Thanks for the input thewrit3r. We have tried different kinds of sex and enjoy them, we were just looking to try out intercourse too.

[al]

Hi I'm back!

So those changes that I mentioned get detailed in the With Pleasure article, but basically when someone with a vulva gets aroused, a lot of blood flow is directed towards the labia, clitoris, other parts of the vulva, which makes them swell up and become super sensitive, and, as you know, the inside of the vagina starts to secrete fluids that allow for easier penetration. Those physical things have to happen as well as being in the right mental state - someone can be as physically primed as they can be, but if they're feeling uncomfortable, distracted, or just not into it, it can definitely interrupt those cycles of arousal and stimulation.

So you mentioned that you both felt nervous - have you talked with your boyfriend about the thoughts or worried you find yourself having?

You also said that you weren't expecting to get much physical pleasure out of intercourse beforehand - why do you think you feel that way?

What thewrit3r said was perfect, I couldn't have said it better. How we feel about sex, what kinds of sex we do/don't have, and everything else about our sexuality grows and shifts constantly throughout our lifetimes. If intercourse doesn't feel like your favorite cup of tea right now, that's okay! There's nothing wrong with sticking with things that you do like.