Drunk

[kreed95]

So yesterday I got really drunk with my fiancé but he was sober. Well we got home he had me have sex with him. I didn’t say no but my eyes where closed and I was whimpering. I don’t know what to do because he said I wouldn’t remember. But I’m drunk not stupid. I’ve been raped before so I don’t know if I am just over reacting.

[thewrit3r]

First off, I’m very sorry that happened to you. It shouldn’t have happened to you. You are not overreacting; he raped you. A person inebriated in any way cannot consent to sexual activity. Even if you didn’t say no you didn’t say yes; either way, you didn’t give your consent to him.

I’m really worried that you mentioned not only that but him brushing off what he did thinking you wouldn’t remember anything. I don’t know if he’s done anything like this before but if I was in your situatuon I would not feel safe in that relationship nor want to stay in it. Is this the first time he’s done something like this?

[Sam W]

Hi Kreed,

I want to echo thewrit3r's concern, especially given how much your boyfriend knows about all the other abuse you've dealt with in your life. To add another assault on top of all that is so, so awful and I'm sorry he did that.

What would be the way we could best support you right now?

[kreed95]

I’m just scared and confused

[Sam W]

That's completely understandable given what happened. One thing I will say is that I would strongly recommend against being alone with him, given that he's demonstrated he's no longer a safe person to be around. If you haven't done so yet, I'd also suggest calling a local rape crisis resource so that you can have added support.

What steps or actions do you think you could take right now to help you feel safe?

[kreed95]

I have no clue. I’ve never had any help with previous rapes. At all I have no clue what’s needed

[Sam W]

Okay, here is a list of rape crisis resources in Alabama: https://acaralabama.org/crisis-centers All of them have a crisis line you can call, which would be a sound next step to take in caring for yourself right now and getting connected to the support you need and deserve.

Are there places that make you feel safe, or at least feel comfortable? Those could be a friends house, a favorite coffee shop, a library, anywhere that you can go to feel even the tiniest bit more secure.

[kreed95]

I am just going to lay in my bed. Till I can get ahold of somebody. Then hopefully we will talk and they offer support. I just don’t know what to do because I am already sick and no I’m hurting.

[kreed95]

Yes it’s his first time doing any of this. I set the boundaries where we wouldn’t even come close to it. He has never even been so close to it.

[Sam W]

Glad to hear you're planning on calling and getting support.

Given his behavior, how are you feeling about your relationship with him?

[kreed95]

Obviously I still care. But I’m semi afraid of if he does this now what can he do in the future.

[Sam W]

That's a completely reasonable fear to have, given what he's done. It sounds like you may need to rethink the idea of a future with him, since he's now added himself to the list of people who have deliberately hurt you. That can be an incredibly difficult thing to consider, given that you cared (and still care) about him.

[kreed95]

That’s where I’m at right now is thinking about that. Because I can’t constantly be in fear of that. It was my first night drinking in public and it comes to bit me in the butt.

[Heather]

No, you can't, and it is reasonable -- and wise, when it comes to doing what we can to keep ourselves safe -- to figure that if someone has shown they will do us harm once, they have shown us we are at real risk of more harm from them.

This is obviously a longer-term issue, but for right now, for even just today, and with the understanding your home isn't safe, either, are you as safe as you can be, and able NOT to have him around you at all?

As well, is there a way -- like texting -- you can unemotionally just let him know you do not want to see him right now and you are asking him to stay away, and not contact you, for the time being?

[kreed95]

As of today I am home with my Grammy. So I hope I am safe because he has work in an hour. As of right now he is blowing up my phone but I’m not responding. It hurts physically, emotional, and mentally. Because the one time I trust a guy that turn on me.

[Heather]

This kind of betrayal is deeply painful. I'm so sorry that this is something he has done and that you have and still are experiencing. Unfortunately, growing up with abuse normalizes it a lot, so sometimes it's much harder for any of us who have grown up with it to see it coming. But sometimes even people without those kinds of extra challenges can't see it, either.

I'm really glad to hear you are not responding, but it does sound like you will likely need to very soon. I suggest just leaving a clear, unemotional message (we can even write it for you if you want) that just tells him to stop calling and texting you. Setting clear limits and boundaries is really important, especially to keep yourself safe and take care of yourself.

If you haven't yet, I would strongly encourage you to take the step today, right now, and get yourself connected with one of the local resources we've suggested for you today and in previous posts. I know it's hard and maybe even scary, but I think it's a step that can really start turning things around for you AND help assure that you get more safe in your life, not less.

[kreed95]

I just hate how I made the mistake again to let people in my life and comes to bit me. Yes ma’am I will

[thewrit3r]

Echoing what everyone else has said, I am very sorry that happened to you. It’s not in any way your fault, it’s his fault, and you didn’t deserve to experience that. I don’t know if you’re religious in any way but I will keep you in my thoughts and I hope you can find the support you need

[Heather]

The mistake made here wasn't you letting people into your life.

The mistake made was on the part of the person who chose to assault or otherwise abuse you. HE is the one who made the wrong call here, not you. What happened to you didn't happen because you let someone into your life. It happened because someone chose to abuse that privilege.

You didn't do this, he did. His mistake, not yours.

[kreed95]

Yes I am religious and thank you. I will try and constantly remind myself that it’s not my fault.

[Alice O]

Hey kreed95,

I know you have mostly been talking with Sam, Heather, and the writ3r, but I have been following what you have been sharing on the boards, and I was heartbroken to see this thread.

I am so sorry this happened to you. You did nothing wrong. It is not your fault.

You do have the agency to do everything you can to keep yourself as safe as possible moving forward, so I want to echo what Sam and Heather have suggested: it's time to take some action steps.

First, reach out for support from one of these resources.

This is the link Sam shared for rape crisis centers in Alabama:
https://acaralabama.org/crisis-centers

And here are the resources that were shared on your last thread:
http://www.alabamapublichealth.gov/inju ... enters.pdf
https://www.womenshelters.org/sta/alabama (YWCAs are a good resource)
http://www.ywcabham.org/domestic-violen ... d-programs
https://scotland.shelter.org.uk/get_adv ... stic_abuse (a resource in Scotland, but still w/ relevant info)

Second, as Heather said, when someone shows they will do us harm once, they have shown us we are at real risk of more harm from them. For your safety, it is important for you to leave this relationship. A first step towards keeping yourself safe from your boyfriend is texting him to let him know that you want some space so please do not come visit you or contact you, until you say so.

Have you called one of the resources?
Have you sent a text to your boyfriend letting him know you need space?
How did those things go?

[Alice O]

Also want to re-share this resource: The Scarleteen Safety Plan.

[kreed95]

Yes. I reported it and everything. I just want to forget it has happened. Yes I have talked to him and he admitted he did it when the cops asked him. But he says it was wanted both ways. I barely remember that night. So I can’t agree or disagree.

[kreed95]

Since Sunday night I have had to call out of work Tuesday and Thursday, I also haven't had a appetite at all. I am afraid to sleep, i have tried to sleep and will just lay in bed and cry. I don't know how I am going to go back to work as a lifeguard. I feel like a horrible pet parent because I keep forgetting to feed my dogs and hamster. I don't have the energy to walk them. Any time i close my eyes I keep seeing that night and me drinking way to much. When i saw my him last he lost his cool and was hitting and kicking his door.

[Sam W]

Hi Kreed,

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time right now. As awful as it is, a lot of what you're feeling is a common fallout from an assault. Too, if you were at the point where you were so drunk you can't remember what happened and he was completely sober, that's actually a sign that he deliberately used the alcohol to coerce you into sex. So what happened is not your fault.

When you contacted those resources Alice suggested, what can of support did they offer you and what kind of next steps did they suggest? And of those next steps, are there ones they will be helping with or ones we could offer help around?