Can't process (Abuse/suicidal thoughts/self harm and arguments)

[Sam W]

I 100% hear you on that frustration. You've pinpointed the things that help abusive people keep doing what they do. One is that they're excellent at presenting a non-abusive front most of the time, leading people to assume they couldn't possibly be abusive. And the other is that people who otherwise say the condemn abuse don't come though for you when the abuser is someone they know. While that sucks in a big way, that second phenomenon does help you spot people who, while they're not abusive themselves, may not be safe friends for you anymore.

It sounds like you're framing cutting this friend off in a really great way. It can be empowering to realize that you have the ability to cut out someone who mistreats you even if they 're entrenched (it doesn't make it suck less to do so, but having a reminder of just how kick-butt you can be at protecting your boundaries can be helpful as you move through life).

[Iwanthelp]

Not really an update, a question I guess? Basically...If she tries to come at me or otherwise contact me/control me again/physically barr access what should I do? I don't know if she comes back to Scotland for Christmas, her familys' house is within walking distance of my house. She's physically stronger and my worst fear right now is kidnap, however rational or not it is due to past memories of being physically restrained. Rest of the paragraphs are just feels-talk.
Given how horribly she acted I'm wary she'll try some shit at christmas. I kind of wonder if I'm dealing with some brand of narcissist given how awful her behaviour was - I don't think she'll admit she was 100% in the wrong, let alone 50% or 20%.
(I mean, "I didnt do x out of punishment I did it out of spite because I can be petty and spiteful too (implying I am) now its' your turn to apologize, I literally won't leave your room and will threaten to sleepover until you do" is...not an apology, its' some weird attempt to keep the status quo of I Am Right And You Are Wrong).

With how I was basically physically attacked (knocking me over+leaning over me and screaming at me then taking my computer away as I detailed previously) I'm wary she'll try something. I told my mum not to let her in and she agreed but I'm not totally confident she'll stick to it as she helped her steal my computer and bundle it into the car in the first place. I get reflection in time when I'm not blanking details - talked to a friend and she did mention when she visited the possessive-ex-friend did...come off weird,
"I don't think you give yourself enough credit. She certainlty doesn't give you enough, I got that feeling when we met. She was nagging you like a tired mother is all. I think I said something about locking horns because I felt like she was being controlling and kinda... bringing bad vibes conversation-wise. like there wasn't an effort to be nice"

It does put past arguments in a weird light, like when she stopped to chew me out over not having a job because I wanted to stop and pet dogs on the way home (We weren't even in a rush), when she said she'd babysat kids that behaved better than me, dumb argument lines like "if your an adult dye your hair blue". (context: I was past 18 at this point and my mum said I couldn't dye my hair blue. Which...is supposed to magically un-adult me somehow) I saw a captain-awkward that mentioned the concept of people not letting their view of you/role you're in evolve with time, which I think explains some of it - I believe she's still in that "here, shephard this kid around in primary school" mindset and believing that my greater need for help infantilizes me. Kinda sucks when ableism entrenches in someone that should know better.

Still get weird dreams, last night it was her ripping up a picture and me being mad at my mum letting her in the house in the first place (I think she offered to help tape it back but damage was kinda done at that point). I feel like a lot of problems come back to the abusive household in some way and maybe the passively-suicidal blanket will come off a bit if/when I'm out of here.
Still get anger flashes sometimes, say and think ugly things, half-wish for a confrontation where I go off at how she's 100% in the wrong but I know realistically she's not going to admit to shit and would only injure her further. Just makes me angry that people consistently get away with shit and that my own mum helped her do emotional injury and just spat out a dismissive "fine" when I tried to call her on it. I keep getting in denial because that's the only non-abusive parent I have.
I remember trying to explain to the ex-friend the dad was abusive and somewhere in the argument she went "you're the abusive one". It makes me so angry and reminds me I can never trust her again because only an abuser or their sycophants twists anti-abuse terminology to abuse others like that.

[Ashleah]

Hi Iwanthelp,

It sounds like you have been taking steps to limit contact with this person. Good for you! It can be difficult to end or change relationships that are not healthy for us, especially with a friend you have such a long history with.

Really I would just encourage you to continue to build on the actions you have already taken, which so far seems to be avoiding contact and getting someone involved to help out with that. Since her home is close to yours, you might want to consider times or places you would likely run into her in order to prevent an unwanted interaction. Hopefully your mom will respect your wishes not to see her but in the event she does get in the house, can you lock the door to your room? Or is there any other space you would be able to get to where you could prevent her from getting to you?

Is there a person you would feel comfortable visiting you at home? That way you could have someone you trust present, which can be nice whether or not this person shows up. Basically, someone that makes you feel safe.

You mentioned a "passively-suicidal blanket" so I want to share the resource that Sam gave you a while back in the event you are having active thoughts of hurting yourself. The website is http://www.chooselife.net/. There are a few options listed so you can just call and talk to someone whenever you need to. But if you feel like there is an immediate risk of hurting yourself, you need to get to the hospital as soon as possible.

[Iwanthelp]

Figured I'd drop an off-topic bump rather than make a separate thread.

One of the things in processing how she's been a possessive, controlling, pretty much abusive and belittling 'friend' has been remembering old stuff. Friends mentioning offhand that she just sort of acted like a 'harried mother' in public, remembering stupid statements like "if your an adult dye your hair blue" (because my mum wasn't allowing me to at the time), her saying she babysat kids that behaved better than me...literally, arguing in favor of me not really being an adult or worthy of being treated like one despite my age. Its' all kinda frightening how long it went on for and how literally infantilizing it was.

So, the topic comes to cocsa done by her brother. child on child sex abuse acronym. There was bits and pieces of it from my own brother as well but I don't feel like delving into it at the moment. My autism made me the vulnerable sort of oblivious and I hit puberty at 9 which I guess made me a target for sexually abusive boys going forward. Sometimes casual quick touches in passing or stupid harassing comments. The incidents from her younger brother specifically (I don't recall how old people were, he was 8 I guess?) kinda piled up to the point I realized what it was and parents got told. Which...would have been where it ended, but she kept making stupid. Fucking. Observations about it. She could not admit that he willfully did wrongdoing. Which he did - perhaps not to the extent of an adult, I maintain a kid doing cocsa can redeem but he made efforts to hide it. Sure as fuck wasn't doing it with witnesses and on one occasion walked in on me changing and kept walking in the room making excuses after I shouted at him to leave.
He touched his sister once that I witnessed after the whole thing came out, so even after being informed what he was doing was wrong didn't exactly do shit for a while.

Neither could anyone surrounding me admit it it seemed. She literally said "he didn't know any better" and when I pointed out he punched his sister in the groin when he was angry she tried to excuse it with saying he'd seen people in tv shows kick guys in the groin when angry. Which is not the same thing at all? Another time she recounted some incident involving catching his sisters blindfolded, he had a blindfold on and she gave a demonstration of how he'd touched their torso to verify they were there? then reached up and groped breasts and went 'found her'. Like it was some hilarious mistake. My fucking disabled kid self knew it was bullshit and a ploy.

I mean...I didn't need 'yep x is an irredeemable pedo 5ever'. I just needed people to admit he wasn't 'innocent', that he knew it was wrong on some level and being a child did not absolve him and somehow make him a sexual abuser that was the good guy because 'but he didnt know any betteeeer'. That it wasn't an act on par with "oops the kid didn't know eating crayons was bad". Because if someone can sexually abuse you as a child but simultaneously be an okay person what the hell does that say about the act? About the hiding and concealment involved, about the specific targeting of you and singling you out for your naivete because they knew it would make abuse easier, about the fact they kept doing it after you realized it was fucked up and started expressing anger? I mean my mum didn't admit he wasn't innocent/oblivious, neither did a previous forum board I posted to (not a scarleteen branch). And it wasn't like kids doing exploration early because there was no asking. Just slaps in passing or sneaky grabs in a tussle, shit like that.


Part of why I'm glad she's gone is if we ever had kids I know I wouldn't want him near them in case the cocsa extends to harboring actual pedophilia in adulthood. Because I know I'd be browbeaten to hell with "that was a long time ago/how dare you imply he'd do x as an adult" to the point I'd be convinced I was hysterical and irrational. I know now I wouldn't have kids, I'm just not suited for that but its' nice that I don't have to pander to her opinions on the subject. Maybe the topics' been closed under the false guise of 'resolution' for too long.

I guess I'm thinking of it now because either I look at innocuous youtube thumbnails and I feel distate at characters that look like he did then and not sure if weird revenge thoughts stemming at 'x kid that age gets what they deserve' stem from it in part. Been hurt by kids a lot so maybe that's why a lot of the 'fuck you' angry anxiety tangent hypotheticals in my head contain that. (yeah I'm not about to go punch anyone, its' strictly a weird in-the-head thing) I don't know if abuse spawned it in part because adults feel like an untouchable target you're forbidden to criticize even mentally (90% of the abuse situation criticism goes to my mum and not the 'dad' because I know he'd disappoint me for instance and I want enablers to cease existence because they help it exist in the first place) and that there's a message passed down in family that kids are annoying and deserve to be resented and abused. I don't know. My uncle kicked me once when drunk and my mum blamed me for not getting out of the way, we all bundled up into the car like having to clear the space to get away from an abuser in a temporary drunk rage was normal.
I hate her(when I'm not repressing hard) for fucking me up and teaching me abuse is normal and about all I can expect. She didn't have to be an enabler. She didn't have to be stupid and awful she could have protected me she could have changed all of this.


She made stupid comments about another csa case involving an adult ("don't prosecute or your family will lose money in court" okay thanks teenage girl who only has tangenital experience of a relative losing money in court that had nothing to do with child abuse) so that hurt too.

Write-up makes me feel raw.

[Iwanthelp]

maybe incest still counts when it's sporadic one-offs by a stupid kid

[Mo]

It certainly sounds like she handled this situation badly and minimized what was done to you, and I'm sorry that's the case. It sounds like a lot of emotions have been coming up for you as you process all of this - totally understandably - so I hope you can take some time to do something nice, calming, distracting, etc. for yourself today after this tough emotional processing.

[Iwanthelp]

So this is something entirely unrelated to the rest of the thread contents but I'm wondering if it's possible to PM a site mod for advice/asking kind of conversations that may run lengthy. There's something I want to talk about privately that's gnawing at me but I'm not sure what venues are available for that.

[Karyn]

PMs aren't possible, but we do have a live chat service that runs three times a week: http://www.scarleteen.com/our_live_chat_service

[Iwanthelp]

Doing better than when I first had the live chat (talked at mo about the contents, am alright with mods seeing logs if they aren't shared outside of the mod circle), paranoia still regenerates and tries to scrape up new things and there's some mood/drive drop going on. Easily agitated at people in real life in terms of 'anyone trying conversation with me', asked about getting a counselor today and apparently waiting for referral can easily take six months. That fucking sucks 'cause after the big "oh shit what if I am x" panic I had 2-3 days ago I think I should really get some kind of professional assistance, it got to the point of ''logically speaking this makes dying make more sense/there's a sort of 'you feel cut off from positive feels or have some form of happiness-ceiling meaning you can't enjoy the usual hobbies', feels a bit permanent world-altering in the sense that the time you went crazy over 'aaaa website says world will end because bible numbers' did (Yeah it was stupid, it also left lasting illness)".

It's frustrating because the mum is the one that arranges for all of my adult stuff but she goes on holiday for a week tomorrow and my incompetent ass doesn't know what to do, who to phone, anything. I have my social workers' email and that's it.

[Sam W]

Hi Iwanthelp,

You're right that it sucks to be in such a stressful place right now. Can I ask who told you about the wait time for the counselor?

If you've got your social worker's contact, my suggestion would be to get in touch with them and explain the situation the way you've explained it to us (if you haven't done so already). But they should be able to help you connect to resources that you need, even if that's just giving you advice on who to call.

[Iwanthelp]

Can't remember. I did link this thread to a socialworker at one point.

Am realizing with the brother-cocsa thing and others that this family is such a stupid lie. A horrible, stupid mistake of a lie where the mother is too ineffectual to effectively parent and would never, ever choose to protect me or acknowledge how hurt I am if it means keeping up the illusion, the dad is a stupid monster who should never have been born and the brother was a bully she did nothing about. He bullied me. There was brief sexual abuse but it never went that far or beyond...three incidents? And he was younger. And I keep worrying "what if you're a cocsa perp too, remember this, remember this, remember this" and I just wish someone had fucking said <i>something</i> and had a basic boundaries discussion or at least the 101 of "good touch, bad touch, appropriate themes, inappropriate themes" with me. With fucking anybody, so much pain and self-doubt could have been avoided but no. Nobody wants to fucking parent or have the awkward discussions without just brushing off that the son is sexually abusing the daughter and the daughter is too fascinated with shit she doesn't understand from an early age.
The above plus irrational fears of a paraphillia I don't even have (I mean I've asked and ruled out shit so many times) that keep rebounding to "sure you don't have #paraphillia but look at all these creepy borderline-looking kinks the Discourse™ said is bad or wrong or borderline or how you can't make sense of this or that reaction to innocuous-fictional-sexless-character-thing, why did you think of #fictionalcharacterthing as a kid, remember you were a stupid fucking young adult that had the same tmi discussions with your younger friends because you knew them before you hit 18 anyway and when you were a stupid teenager yourself older people would talk about the same and worse with you in your friendcircle with nobody calling it out so shit seemed normal, what the fuck is wrong with you you disgusting piece of shit you don't objectively deserve to be alive and you're not wanted as-is with all the horrible parts of yourself".

For specifics I started puberty way too fucking early and that's part of my downfall (if anyone remembers fanart-centrals' 'nc-17' stage that also...didn't help, my internet access was so fucking monitored I could see porn of characters my age in the same fucking room and nobody noticed. Seriously, check your undeleted internet history after your kids go online people), things just came too early for a stupid autistic nine year old that had sexual thoughts long before knowing what they meant to understand a goddamn thing, he wanted to watch me take baths whilst I told stories and he'd put his hands in the water. He was younger (should be two years younger) and there was no touching but I didn't fucking understand <i>why</i> he was watching, my mum was just ineffectually "oh dont do this" and never put her foot down and put a stop to it. So even if I didn't understand and he didn't understand the why's it just...pegs as 'abuse' as how I personally identify it, or close enough that I just wasn't fucking ready or aware of the concept of being looked at sexually by your own fucking brother. In another incident he was going on about 'steamboat willie' and I just remember him saying steamboat in this disgusting aroused voice, taking his penis out and trying to touch me and a friend with his. We kind of...laughed and ran because we just didn't fucking understand, this is the same friend discussed earlier in the thread. She was just "oh you can use it for embarrassing blackmail when he's older" because none of us fucking understood. I can't remember if my mum found out or not. Again, if there was actual tangible discipline I'd remember but I don't so she was either just ineffectually "oh dont do that" or never found out. Not like it'd make a difference. Like there wasn't really consent even if we just laughed it off, he just did it because I don't fucking know why and we were trying to avoid him, I remember a closet.

When I was older he humped my leg as a joke for no reason, the mum just went "<name> stop humping your sister" in an annoyed tone and...that was it. No grounding, no tangible discipline, no discussion about why it was fucked up. Nothing at all. Might as well of been fuck-all.

As a kid I'd remember angrily reciting swear words to call him in private, calling him a shitball over and over and over, mixing up harsh terms as they came to me. At one point I was so angry at her refusal to punish him or general bullying or just spreading the blame around equally with 'stop fighting' or punishing us both (He threw objects at me at one point and she excused it with 'oh you did that when you were younger' or something, there was no punishment) that I took nine paracetamol tablets. I was being bullied at school as well and was so frustrated at one point I told him 'you make me cut myself', which wasn't exactly false. Sure he kicked down the door but he was still doing the same bastard bullshit that annoyed me after the fact so he wasn't a real help. What kind of idiot has the earnestness to kick the bathroom door down but can't stop doing a simple thing that annoys you? I remember he was angry and chased me once when we were older and being earnestly scared. I only remember because I remember the 999 call where I wanted help but between me being hysterical and the person on the other end being annoyed I called because "he is going to beat the shit out of me" (not exact words but I think the swear word might've been quoted from him) I just gave up, admitted no emergency and hung up.

As we got older he'd get annoyed that I'd continually avoid him with 'I'm busy', like it wasn't his fault. And my mum would get annoyed but I'd just reterioate that "I'm avoiding conflict". Because she wouldn't help. And asking the dad was useless, because he would get angry and shout which scared me ergo that would punish me and defeat the purpose. (He's an abusive ass so no wonder I'm on edge around his anger)

I'm tired of waiting lists that stretch on and on to infinity, I'm tired of the self-doubt, I'm tired of anxiety regenerating so goddamn hard after a week of being fine and constantly having to fight "you know debating with it is the trap that prolongs it" and "but you did fuck up in places and you have to acknowledge that, except you also have to forgive yourself because you're ripping yourself apart from the inside-out but you can't do the former and the latter as well", I'm tired of the present just being "remember that time before x happened, I mean it was still bad but you weren't feeling <i>this</i> bad so that's kind of like it was good right except not really your first memory is child abuse so your life is basically a lie and people are attached to a stupid horrid lie and would abandon you if they knew the truth", I'm tired of feeling torn between "people only like you because they don't know how wretched and fucking awful you are"/"you could never tell them everything in full because you would lose everyone and everything plus its' selfish to make them uncomfortable by needlessly bringing it up just to sate your unsatable anxiety plus that just feeds into the impulse of it being a Big Huge World-ending Deal" I just want to fucking die but even that's too complicated. I was set up to fail. I was never, ever going to be truly happy, I was only ever going to realize how shitty and awful life is. I should never, never have been born, under any circumstances, only if I could have been born to a family that wasn't a stupid, horrific lie. I wish I was never born, I wish I could just vanish to some other plane of existence where everyones' memory of me is wiped so they don't have the suffer the grief of me dying or processing that only their friend died but maybe who they thought they were never existed ergo 'died' too. If I was 'wiped' in such a way I could at least be born to someone else and start again. To start again as a spectre telling the new reborn one what to do and what is normal and what's okay and what isn't would be such a redemption and relief.

I don't know if this skirts too close to 'dont discuss harm you did yourself' rule. I hope it doesn't. I'm just being eaten alive by this and simultaneously cannot come out all that publicly with it because if it was out I would just need to die and that would be it. I need this to never, ever come up with my family or I will commit suicide. And that sounds like a threat but its' just facts. I just...irrational terror of "people will Assume You Did Thing and contact police and everyone will hate you and your life will fall apart and then you will absolutely need to die because there's no coming back from that". I can't cope. I'm not even coping right now.

I remember an unrelated video with a disabled girl at school, her mother had a camera put on her wheelchair because she suspected shit wasn't going alright. There was a whack noise, the girl cried and the...teachers' aide? Was just instantly and "nope, crybabies get the corner" and wheeled her into it, leaving her there to cry. felt like a punch in the gut. reminds me of the abusive teacher I had that was annoyed at me misbehaving so she scolded me until I cried then had my hair put up in a ponytail so that others could see me cry. To add humiliation to the punishment. Of how my mum would get annoyed and shut down, about how it took using my bratvoice to finally get her to make Anna leave because her kneejerk response is 'make it stop' because nobody around me would listen to calm, listen to upset or listen to reason. It took using the fact I was a spoilt, spoilt brat to do anything. And I am spoilt. I'm so spoilt I can barely look after myself, I never have the motivation to pursue anything longterm or even eat properly, I never learned how to push through or hold interest for long or do anything.

"Crybabies get the corner". If you're upset, if you voice unhappiness with a failing of theirs they get annoyed and shut you down. Being upset is just uppity and annoying and misbehavior and being difficult and an inconvenience to them.

No wonder I hate crying around them and keep shutting off.

Feel better after typing this but angry and worried too. I just don't want any talking to blow up in my face.

[Sam W]

Hi Iwanthelp,

It sounds like you're processing a ton of stuff right now, which isn't surprising given that, from the sound of it, you're weren't offered help or listened to in the moments where those things were happening. When stuff doesn't feel resolved to us, our brains can sometimes pile it all on at once into one big, unpleasant spiral. If that spiral is at the point where you're seriously considering hurting yourself, my advice would be to go to an emergency room and ask to check in. That has the potential to keep you safe and get you some resources.

You mention the waiting lists. Does that mean you're still on the one for the counselor? I wonder if, right now, calling a hotline might be helpful. It would give you some more space to process and vent, and possibly connect you to another resource. There may also be hotlines specifically for survivors of child sexual abuse or for individuals who've faced mistreatment due to disability, if you think that kind of support would help.

Beyond that, is there anything specific you would like us to do or help with?

[Iwanthelp]

I'll keep the emergency room thing in mind - edited the post a bit because my brain is all over the place. Just terrified talking will backfire on me. Would it?

Can suggest hotlines if you want, I should keep a backlog of numbers on hand in the event of shit flaring up too hard yeah.

In a sense its' kind of depressing to reread the thread and see I went from "well, let's contact non-emergency number and say we feel at risk of self-harm" to "yep, dying makes sense even more than before, the friggin' thread OP feels like a romanticized 'better time' in comparison to all this because at least I could pretend like I'm a decent person/half-decent abuse survivor in the thick of it all".

[Sam W]

We can never promise that talking about certain things won't lead to something bad happening, but we do everything we can to make this a space where you can talk about things safely. If you go to the ER, you may end up held for a little bit if they evaluate your risk as severe enough (that's how it works in the U.S, I'm not sure of the exact process in Scotland). That can be really weird in the moment, but it does mean you're getting help that you deserve.


If it helps to think of it this way, coming to terms and recovering from abuse or assault is a pretty up and down process. That does mean you may look back and go "arrgh, I was doing better what the heck happened?" but still be moving forward in your healing process. That doesn't always make the hard parts suck less, but it does mean that those hard parts won't last forever.

Here's a good summary of the abuse/assault resources in Scotland, so you can peek and see if there are ones you can access via a hotline. http://www.survivorscotland.org.uk/help ... directory/

[Iwanthelp]

Just cataloguing bad things as they happen I guess.

Last night sucked because the short version is the 'dad' raised his hand in a gesture threatening to hit. The long version is he kept bitching at me not to feed the dog with the food I had open, I was going to put it back, he thought I was just trying to feed the dog and bitched at me again, I had my back turned for a few seconds and the dog was baring teeth at him so he yanked him up by the collar. I fucking hate it when he does this because he made the dog handshy about hands near his face because a) dog is partially blind b) he makes him fear aggressive by being too fucking incompetent to effectively discipline without doing shit like light smacks above the dogs' tail. I said something angry about it, whatever he said I threw the dogs' bowl - he said not to do that or whatever so I threw the food. He raised his hand as if to threaten to hit and I probably flinched. I hate how basic fear responses make me feel like a stupid fucking horrible little wimp.
When he turned around I grabbed/restrained an arm for a bit and said something like "are you going to hit me then you stupid fucking wimp", after he got away I don't remember what he said to me when I went for the door keys to go outside but I told him to kill himself then scratched his van. I'm not saying that because it reflects well on me but to document what happened (that and I honestly wish he was dead. I'm tired of the system wasting money on offering alternate housing because one person won't just remove themselves from the home and their significant other enables it).
After whatever point I returned he gives me the phone because he was stupid enough to phone my mum at work about me running off (Because I'm going to have a runaway stint in the middle of the night in torrential rain+lightning. Stupid does not begin to describe him). Her response is disappointing, she asks what's wrong/am I okay more or less and I reteriorate that she needs to divorce him. "That's not happening". I mentioned the stuff with the dog I think and that he threatened to hit by raising his hand and she suggested to 'stay out of his way'. That's fucking useless advice, I live here. And it just reminds me of when I was small and a drunk uncle kicked me and she blamed me for not getting out of his way after everyone bundled into the car to avoid him for a while. What a stupid, abuse-enabling idiot. I wish she had done the right and responsible thing and just aborted me. Bringing a child into an abusive household is beyond selfish, its' completely abhorrent and I'm well past the point of sympathy for her because when your grown-ass kid tells you several times they are abusive and gives strong examples at some point you have to admit they are abusive. Why have I figured this shit out first when I'm less than half her age?

_______


This part is like small potatoes but after I came back I realized a blog had been forcibly unfollowed on my tumblr dashboard without my doing so. I clicked around, tried to click follow again but it didn't work and I realized I must have been blocked. As far as I know I said one-two poorly-worded things on a post that could have came out better - my disability factors into fucking up with words sometimes so to be cut off from a resource I've found handy in the past (I'm hardly allowed to look at their blog etiquette-wise) after all the above horrible shit is just...its' fucking awful? It was so instrumental to me for working out my own orientation shit, to have this happen on a day like yesterday and just be blocked without so much as 'hey x isnt okay here, dont do x again' is just...I'm still going to recommend the blog to other people and I understand people can block for whatever reason. But its' just really, really, really disappointing. Whilst I can still look at their blog in terms of block mechanics I know basic block etiquette says I shouldn't. So I'm cut off from a resource that helped me realize I wasn't as straight as I thought I was in ways other places don't detail as well, great. Even if its' my own fault, fucking great.


_______

Some of why I was getting really bad in the past months suicidal-wise was realizing in the past I had crappy boundaries re: talking about sexual-related things with younger peers. I had been inundated with worse growing up, from adults even, so I didn't have a good perspective of 'yeah maybe dont talk about x even if its just a fandom thing/even if you knew them before hitting 18/even if they know of worse they talk about on a regular basis'. Just 'well as long as I don't go as far as these people or past certain age ratings on topics then I'm good right'.
(examples, actual pedophile trying to groom me who had his character keep on sexually assaulting mine, a different guy (Venks) that was pretty open about being into lolicon, that set his MSN display picture once to a young anime character being raped (He literally said 'noncon' when I asked him wtf was going on in the image), that joked about going somewhere where the age of consent was 12, that said his character would (warning gross pedoshit) rape the really young kids of one of mine with a weapon who later escalated to actually godmodding a rape scene on an unrelated character, one adult I recall that did sexual roleplay with my stupid underaged self (I wasn't a bastion of maturity myself and I know I wouldn't of lied about my age so I don't know why they thought that was a good idea, too much incidents of cocsa in general, the thing I mentioned before where my friends' mum had a tentacle rape screensaver on in one of the kids' rooms and defended it by saying it was art when I said it was porn. I got frustrated and gave up trying to argue because kid vs adult isn't exactly an even playing field but I wish I'd said something about it back at home because the only reason penetration wasn't visible was because of a leg, it was pretty obviously rape otherwise. The fuck. The Venks guy/ex (don't date an 18 year old at 15, kids) emailed me a year or more after I cut him off wanting to reestablish contact and saying he dreamed about me. With...no apology from his end and no prompting from me, I guess he thought *pokes* on a separate website I barely checked up on counted as a riveting conversation starter)

It led to a lot of panic about "what if I abused them, what if what if what if" and after a lot of rumination and running the specifics by friends and one person in the scarleteen live chat I know logically I didn't abuse them, that I was just poorly-equipped in terms of information because I had awful examples set for me, but that I could have been a better person. I'm trying to let go by not ruminating on it anymore, I'm out of contact with all parties and chasing them up just to alleviate my guilt by saying sorry would not be remotely appropriate (and it would be selfish), but its' hard not to self-kick over it in the meantime. I'm so angry at my mum for not stepping in enough regarding the mild incest cocsa, I'm angry at other adults for failing me miserably and then I'm angry at myself for failing in the first place. I don't want to live with a permanent stain on my being like this.

[Sam W]

Hi Iwanthelp,

This sounds like a lot of intense stuff to process all at once. Are you in a place where you feel at least a little comfortable or safe (that could be a public place, by the way, as some people dealing with abusive households feel safest somewhere like a library, mall, or park)?

Have you had any luck getting off the wait list for a counselor? And do you by chance have a caseworker who you could contact about what's been going on?

[Iwanthelp]

Walking around outside helps, I suppose loitering in shops could be an option. I don't have an update on the list and truth be told, I imagine I'm so coddled half to death and lazy and incompetent from being coddled half to death by the same people that complain that I never do anything (Not on the boards, I just remember one time my mum going off about me not choosing a job or college at sixteen and making an exasperated comment about how she 'molly-coddled' me - like her own piss-poor parenting choices weren't entirely her fault).

The waiting list is just...I don't think the social worker knows what's going on with it in connection to everything else and I feel if I push for it what if I just get a different one than the one I'm supposed to be waiting for and waste everyones' resources and waste everyones' time and money like I always do. I can't see anything changing about my situation. I mean, I have the tenacity of wet paper. I never hold to any situation, that's been a constant throughout my life and its' all my mums' fault for spoiling me to death because every piece of change in habits involves preserverance and holding your attentionspan and interest for longer than five minutes. I can't do that. I can't even get this potential ADD diagnosed because I just don't know what's going on, no one interviews me, no one asks me, I was supposed to talk to a dietician but I went "I can't I can't" and walked out of the room because all the freaking out and paranoia about "what if you're a predator too what if what if then you would never deserve to be alive and everyone would hate you" just came to a head. I had to try and lift myself out of that stupid bastarding mess because of this stupid waiting list being so slow. I had to DIY shit. I had to find out terms like PO/CD on my own.


I'm sorry for wasting volunteer time but I will never, ever, ever change. Ever. Its' just not possible with my upbringing, its' not possible with my lack of motivation and lack of basic life skills a five year old has and its' not possible with my neurology whatsoever. I'll just have to luck out and hope my 'dad' gets crushed to death by a car like he so richly deserves.

[Sam W]

Okay, something to right now is to take a deep breath and remind yourself that your jerkbrain is lying to you. You are not a waste of resources or time, and you are not doomed to remain frozen in this unpleasant moment of time. That may be a hard reality to accept, because some part of your brain and a large part of your upbringing keep telling you that you aren't worth helping and have no future. That's a bunch of B.S. , but it's exactly the kind of B.S that's hard to spot when your brain is the one inundating you with it (I speak from personal experience on that one).

Would you be comfortable contacting your caseworker today to ask about the waiting list and other resources? We can help you come up with a way to phrase the ask if that's something you struggle with.

[Iwanthelp]

Coming up with a way or phrase would be helpful yeah. Sorry, just feeling overwhelmed by bullshit. (I don't think the Manchester news helped, I'm not near that area but between it being too close for comfort and taking place at a concert its' just...depressing)

[Sam W]

That's totally understandable. Events like Manchester, especially if they feel a little to close for comfort, can compound mental health stuff, because it can feel like the world is so very hostile that it's hard to feel optimistic about anything, in your own life or in the broader world. I don't have a great solution to that, other than to say it's okay to feel sad about tragic things.

If you talk to your caseworker, I'd phrase it as something like, "hey, my mental health stuff has been flaring lately and it's making things really rough for me. Do you have any updates on where I am on the waiting list?" I also want to ask, does you caseworker know about the abusive stuff going on at home?

[Iwanthelp]

So yeah this is pretty much my vent box I update whenever a new problem comes to me. I think I'm coping a lot better with the PO/CD thing, it still flares up with new recollections of bullshit but I think going through the Mark Freeman content (He does youtube and tumblr) made things better. I kind of looked at mental illness as "you have all these problems that don't get better and new ones pile up ergo you will be permanently mentally ill and some degree of unhappy forever" and I think that wasn't helping. I still think that (holy shit reading through the past posts brings up anger at how goddamn incompetent the adults around me were and are) but less so now. More hopeful, maybe. Is sad to look on older posts like 'man that poor me had a hard time- owait its still me still arguably having a hard time but hey I got through xyz intact so that's nice'.


Item One: Awful ex-friend in the OP, nothing new just frustration at feelings
She hasn't contacted me, thank fuck, but I still occasionally get dreams where I'm...I dunno, being friends with her despite knowing that's a bad idea. I like how I can essentially cut off a best friend that's abusive but it bugs me that...I dunno, was at the autism group and talking to groupleader after the mum gave her side on something and apparently I risk looking like I cut off people at random? That was annoying because its' not true. If anything I've waited <i>far</i> too long to cut off people that I should, it is not a first resort for me. Also my mum had apparently said "o they just fell out I guess" despite the fact Anna (already mis-posted her name in this thread forever ago so whatever, she's named now, also if she ever reads this: fuck you anna) physically pushed me over in my house in response to my self-harming when both of them trapped me in my room and repeatedly denied child abuse that happened to me and in the household was abuse.

I feel like if I was going to reestablish contact it would be with a stern set of rules: she goes to an abuser program and commits to it, she goes at least six months without contact throughout and after completing it (or at least...six months past something), she admit she was not 50/50 not 98% but 100% in the wrong for what happened, that she is abusive, that her family is abusive because there is no way she would think what happened to me was normal otherwise...I also know a probable-narcissist like her that has been taking a leader/smothering role as a peer since childhood is not going to commit to that. But the fact I have those terms and conditions thought up plus the dreams speaks of...some sense of "man I wish she'd stop being abusive so we could be friends again". Having to cut pillars out of your life because you realize everything around you since you grew up is corrupt sucks.

The latest dream bugged me even though I don't recall it well, I was just...being friends with her despite knowing it wasn't a good idea (and possibly because my peers would go ) but doing it because of that primal pull of 'I miss x'. It feels like its' been a year so wishing the subconscious would shut up on that front, I know I'm not getting back together with her in any capacity.


Item two: what the fuck do you even do in terms of familial relationship where Incest Lite happened
Typing out the word incest makes it feel a bit too real, welp. For context he was younger(2 years younger?) so its' not like he's irredeemable or had full awareness but yanno, still gonna be discomforted.

Went over the incident specifics before (taking his bare penis out to chase and touch me and a friend with it, watching me bathe because I didn't know that was a sexual thing and thought he just wanted to listen to me tell stories, leg humping me at random all of once), I find in person nowadays I can get on with him fine but...every time he skype calls the home I just feel 'ugh' and want nothing to do with him? There's also the fact that when I tried to explain the 'dad' being an angry drunk makes me scared he went "well you forget to lock the door and that scares people". It feels like I'm the only one not stupid enough to admit the abuse is what it is (except maybe the dog but I don't know what his cognitive processes are like. I notice sometimes he's hand-shy with hands around his head because he'd get tapped hard/lightly smacked for discipline and one time trapped in a room and essentially scolded at random by idiot-bastard-drunk until I let him out 3:).

Basically I'm...sure, I can have a familial relationship sometimes but also I get like "ugh I don't want to talk to him I don't want to be social I don't want to do the stupid skype call leave me alone" and...yeah I don't think its' my usual phone aversion anymore. I mean he essentially picked on me growing up and always got away with it because my dad would shout and that would punish me by proxy because grown-ass adult shouting around an autistic kid = terrifying and my mum would do fuck-all or just spread the blame equally because "stop fighting" (??? i am literally reporting to you the bullying so that I don't have to fight him, at one point I tried to go downstairs to tell her he was bothering he so he clung onto my leg and went "mum shall not be told" so of course my report was nullified because 'o you shouted and didnt go all the way downstairs'). Whilst a lot of it may be regular sibling cuntiness the fact it was effectively undisciplined bullying ruined the relationship. That and his occasional abuse, I don't recall what him chasing me in the house was about but a) he is physically larger and stronger than me b) I'm underweight and disabled as fuck so it REALLY doesn't feel like I have the upper hand in a scenario like that, especially when the house is too full of angry men.

Just...I don't know what to do. I remember in part I held off talking about shit with Anna because I knew she would be stupid, horrible and cause emotional injury (which she did, her incident made me want to go practice suicide in a stream but she pulled me home by the arm and chided me for 'silent treatment'. She didn't know I was going to the stream, she was just being a control freak as always) so I don't feel talking to him about "hey you didn't know xyz was cocsa at the time but you still deliberately did harm either way" would go well at all, it's also a fucking horrible awkward conversation that I do not want to have. I don't want to have to comfort someone through realizing and processing the "oshit I fucked up this badly and have to admit it and feel the guilt without being eaten alive by it" process because goddamnit its' abuse that happened to me and I don't want to say that everythings' fine and okay now when it's really not and had adverse effects on me. Like I don't think self-loathing permanently forever with being a cocsa perp is necessary or healthy but...I don't want to be pushed into absolving him. I also really don't want to hear "that wasn't abuse because xyz" he's already stupid enough to think the bastard-parent isn't abusive and come to think of it, that shit like chasing me and bullying me and throwing things at me doesn't warrant an apology, I don't trust him not to say something that would cause emotional injury like Anna did. I don't trust my mum or anyone else in the family not to be completely and utterly fucking stupid about it like they've always been on anything as non-complex as "gee maybe a grown-ass adult shouldn't suddenly lurch forwards, grab and smack a toddler for ripping wallpaper".

Just...what the fuck do I do? I can't talk about it with him but that inevitably leads to limbo but talking about it will lead to excuses and pain and having to cut off the relationship altogether. It fucking sucks. I'm basically typing this up because I feel getting words out instead of awkwardly blanking problems as they come maybe helps. Maybe this should be a captain-awkward post, I dunno.

tl;dr: can't talk about the mild unwitting cocsa incest committed against me, not talking about has its' own set of problems, I'm being the "gee x why dont you talk when x wants to skyp call" level avoidant despite being technically alright with interaction in-person. Things would be easier if I just didn't have a brother altogether and I don't know what I 'should' do here. Limbo is bad but talking would just...not work about, disownment also has its' problems but feels comfortable even if I miss out on the positive interactions.

[Redskies]

I'm glad you're able to think about some things in a more helpful way, and that you're feeling some compassion and understanding for yourself. Good for you!

I understand feeling angry and sad about incompetent adults who either hurt you or didn't help when they really, really should have. It sucks, and those are hard feelings to process and live with.

I think it's just very natural and very human to still miss someone who was a big part of our life, even if they behaved badly and hurt us. I definitely understand wishing that your subconsious wouldn't remind you so often! Might it help if you gave your subconscious some compassion, too? Losing a friend like that means grieving for the person and also grieving for the potential that never was: that, in the end, they weren't or couldn't be the person we wished they were.

Your sibling and family:
It's definitely really hard and hurtful to be realising that family background is very dysfunctional or abusive and trying to figure out what to do with the family relationships in the here-and-now. There isn't one right answer that would work for everyone in your situation: it's really okay to do whatever you think is best for you overall, and whatever you're capable of. You are allowed to choose "avoid" as a strategy, and you're allowed to end up doing "avoid" because you can't do anything else.

There are a few general rules about abusive family backgrounds, and one is: anyone who was a part of the dysfunctional household and who is still doing or making excuses for the abusive dynamics is not a safe person to talk to about the abuse. Your thoughts about not talking about the abuse with your brother are smart, I think. If he hasn't shown any signs of questioning your household background and questioning and changing his own behaviour, the chances of him suddenly doing that anew now are basically zero. That means, like you identified, he would probably be emotionally unsafe for you. It's really hard, but the vast majority of abused people have to do our processing and look for whatever answers we want elsewhere than the people who abused us, because those people are almost always incapable of providing us with anything that we might need about the abuse.

Do you have someone suitable who you can process the abuse with? If not, is that something you think might help you? The big picture of family dynamics is a little outside of what we could do here, but we're certainly willing and able to help you process sexual abuse, if you wanted to do that with us. Just let us know if you'd like more input from us about that, as we've mostly been listening and supporting, and letting you be heard.

(In the future, could you cut out vivid descriptions of imagined violence and sexist name-calling? I understand how helpful it can be to express yourself freely, and I don't want to shut that down, but I also want to keep the space as safe as possible for everyone. Thanks!)

[Iwanthelp]

Yeah sorry about that, I'll get to editing the post now. I should've considered the userbase there before acting like an edgelord jerk. Will get to reading the rest of your post eventually but wanted to note that part down first.

Edit: so yeah I did a lot of stuff today and turns out I can't edit the post now (There's like a temporary timer if I recall right), if a mod wants to edit out the sexist words and 'I wish violent-thing would happen to abuser' that would be appreciated 'cause I'd like to rectify that but can't in terms of forum mechanics. If that's not possible I'm fine with the post being deleted or a content warning shoved at the top somewhere so people aren't reading and getting hit with the content out of nowhere, my preference is an edit or a deletion but not sure how the policy goes on that one.

Spoilercut and content warning is also fine, not sure if the bbcode has that function.

[Redskies]

Thanks for your understanding! I've made those small edits you asked for, no trouble. (We have a small time-window for users to edit your own posts and we usually don't edit things ourselves, because with the kinds of sensitive discussions we have in this space sometimes, it's important that records of the past can't change in confusing or misleading ways and that people's own self-expression is respected.)

We're happy to pick up the content of the conversation with you again, whenever is right for you

[Iwanthelp]

Nothing new/substantial to add, I pretty much never do anything to improve my situation and wish the people responsible would stop being abusive and just leave instead, just aimlessly venting because I tried to get diagnosed with ADD and I was bringing up the RSD component and...I don't know the exact way the conversation went because memory sucks but my mum basically said I'm quick to cut people off or something and referred to the home situation as "family problems". I wish I'd responded and gone "actually no he is abusive" but I didn't process fast enough. She literally sabotages me and makes me look grudgy and hysterical right in front of medical/socialworker professionals, this isn't the first time, another doctor appointment had "oh <name> isnt letting go of the past you know how men get when they're drunk". I had to fucking correct a supportworker once because she started seconding the "you're grudgy/fast to cut people off" thing and I asked who said that and no surprise, <i>mum</i>.

I saw a site on estrangement and honestly, whilst she isn't estranged she sounds similarly stupid and willfully ignorant in ways this site describes the parents. http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estr ... asons.html (Site is handy but 404s a lot which sucks)

Birthday in October felt a little mediocre (did some pre-birthday stuff the day before) and in hindsight I felt lonely. And I hate the word lonely. It feels like an insult, I've had abusive-bastard-'parent' insult me whilst drunk saying I was "all alone with no one to talk to". He always waits until he's drunk as an excuse to come out with fucking bizarre insults/baiting. On top of the weird sexualized insult (that I must be flashing people over webcam deliberately because of the sleeveless pyjama top I was wearing and that he could hack the pc and find out) and general trope/vibe I get of "x is lonely = x is nefariously sexual, desperate, corrupt and a bad person that behaves poorly and can be safely ignored because whatever they have to say can be attributed to them being desperate and lonely" in popular culture re: women it just...feels like I'm a bad, disgusting person for even feeling alone and abandoned in the first place. It's not that people aren't around me but irl-contact is kind of low and I keep noticing people drifting out of my life or disappearing. Finally got around to an "I can't do this anymore" message at a friend that's supposed to be my best friend that's been ignoring me for upwards of two months. (I saw them log into a separate site so it's not a matter of 'oh they couldn't get online')

That does sound crazyclingy or whatever but they're supposed to be one of my best friends? And when I go from near-daily contact to two months' silence with no explanation despite attempts to reach out it's just...I'm pretty sure I have RSD/Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria and it exacerbates the feeling. Even stupid crap like "oops this long term pretendy-game arrangement got cancelled out of the blue, at least to me" is making it spike and I just feel fucking alone (Still hate the word lonely as descriptor) despite "logically yeah I do have friends and people around and I do know they're there".

On another note if anyone knows anything about getting an ADD diagnosis in adulthood
(The guy at the appointment said that wasn't so much a thing and that most kids sort of grow out of it to a manageable level. Which...yeahokay I'm self-diagnosing hard but the focus and attention span issues seriously impact my life, even the shit I just want to do for fun and at least having "yeah x is wrong" on paper would be a benefit to me even if I don't get medicated or much in the way of anything)
that would be helpful, Scotland in particular. I don't know how much of the above is my memory being shit or just "the guy was flat-out wrong" because it's not like a brain disability is going to fall off because a person got older. >_>

also unrelated but I feel like her just coming in my room and not asking permission to do so+expressing annoyance when I ask her to leave/appear agitated because I feel like I'm trapped waiting for her to leave and can't dare say anything about it without being 'in the wrong' or bratty is also a problem. Like it's harder for me to speak up about being unhappy in general? Because 'you have to put up with x's company to be polite and grind your teeth waiting it out otherwise you're in the wrong somehow also you're in the wrong for daring to feel annoyed'.