Best Friend Came Out To Me

[anon_15]

I've searched the internet extensively for a good answer to this situation, but I couldn't find anything that matched up to it, so I'm coming here.

So, my best friend and I live together, with another roommate. We haven't spent a lot of time together lately, with it being finals week and everything. But last night, we finally got enough time to eat dinner together, and we got to talking. We ended up going for a walk, and she ended up telling me that she had been dating a girl for a month now.

The thing that shocked me more was that she has never really been the "relationship type", whatever that means. She would hook up with guys, but always nothing more.

But I'm happy for her and supportive of her, because I know that she's happy and that's what's really important to me. The news that she told me isn't really the problem I have, it's more of the trigger.

I don't know how to describe my feelings right now. Like I said, I'm happy for her. But I think I'm worried or sad. Of what? I'm not sure.

Years back, I struggled with my sexuality a little bit, at least I think so. And I think I had a crush on her. Those feelings went away when we became closer, and I started dating my current, long-term boyfriend, so I'm pretty sure I'm over that feeling. But could that be a reason why I'm a little sad now?

Another possible explanation I have is that maybe I'm worried that our friendship will change? She's been gone a lot lately, and now I know that it's to be with her girlfriend. I'm scared that she'll talk to me less and rely on me for things less, now that she's in a relationship.

I don't want to lose her, I just don't know how to deal with what I'm feeling or why I'm even feeling it. I just need other thoughts? Or maybe advice?

Thank you, anybody that reads this. And sorry it's such a mess, my thoughts are just everywhere right now.

[Sam W]

Hi anon_15,

It sounds like you've been doing some soul-searching around the unexpected sadness and worry you're feeling, so you've already taken a big step in terms of managing that reaction and that's awesome. If you haven't tried it yet, journaling might be a helpful activity, since it can give you a structured place to process and observe your thoughts.

I do think it's possible that you're feeling a little sadness from the fact that years ago you had a crush on her, especially if you were under the impression that the crush would not be reciprocated because she was straight. Even if those feelings have gone away, it's possible for your brain to have a little "aw dang, maybe there was a chance" reaction to the news of her dating a girl. Does that make sense?

As for your worries that the two of you will drift apart, that's a pretty common fear that people experience when a close friend starts dating someone. And it's true that in the first few months of a relationship people tend to really focus in on their partner and spend less time on other parts of their life, including friends. The good news is that often people will re-adjust as the new relationship energy wears off and spend more time with their friends. Too, it sounds like the two of you have a strong friendship, so if you started to really miss spending time with her there's a good chance you good tell her that without it causing a rift between you two. You may also want to check out this article for ideas on what to do when a friend is spending a lot of energy and time with a new partner: To Ditch and Be Ditched: Relationships, Friends, and Finding a Balance