I think my partner is cheating

[KayWe]

I have been with the same person for the past 7 months. We were together a few years ago and he cheated on me. Thinking he had grown up due to being in the military, I gave him another chance. He is stationed far away from me so on November 3, I went to see him. I came back home on Nov 15. About a week later I became symptomatic so I went to the doctor. I tested positive for chlamydia yesterday so of course, my first thought was to blame the well known cheater that he once was. He swears to me he could not have given it to me and that it must have been me. So I contacted two of my previous partners. One of which, is engaged now and said he said he was checked a week before him and his now fiance got back together and was clean. Said they would even send the paper work if needed. The other said he was checked during the few months of having sex with me and that he was also clean. Now I'm just stuck trying to believe that my partner didn't cheat on me but all signs are saying he did. Opinions?

[Sam W]

Hi KayWe,

If your previous partners have told you they tested negative (that's the preferred term, since "clean" can reinforce some stigma around STIs), then in all likelihood that means you contracted it from your current partner. Now, depending on when his last STI test was and what his safer sex habits were during the time you two were not a couple, it is possible that he contracted this in a past relationship and it was asymptomatic, which made him think he didn't have any STIs. However, it's also a distinct possibility that he cheated and contracted it that way, but determining whether that's the source of the infection requires him to be truthful, which is something it sounds like you don't trust him to do.

How do you feel about this relationship in general? Do you generally feel like the two of you communicate openly and honestly?

[KayWe]

I am very open and honest with him and he says that he is with me too. I don't have the trust for him that I should and I'm aware of that. I'm just terrified he's going to cheat again. Other than the trust issues, our relationship is fantastic!
He was last tested for STIs in March. He said he was negative for everything but also says I'm the only partner he has had since that time. I'm just very confused on how my previous partners tested negative and I'm positive..if my current partner isn't the one who I got it from.

[Sam W]

I can't blame you for feeling confused, because the information you're being given isn't fitting together to make a logical picture. If you didn't contract chlamydia from a previous partner, then you contracted it from your current one. But he says he was negative the last time he was tested, but also that he hasn't had any other partners. So you end up feeling like the infection came out of nowhere. What's likely is that he is not being honest about one of those two statements that he made, although only he knows which one. Did you get tested at the same time he did in March?

Given what we've talked about, how are you feeling about your relationship right now? What feel like some possible next steps for you (other than finishing your course of treatment, which I'm assuming you were prescribed after the test results came back)?

[KayWe]

Thank you for you feedback!
I wasn't tested in March when he was. I haven't been tested since 2015 and everything was negative.
I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and blame myself for this but I'm having a hard time doing so. I love him very much and I don't want to leave him but if I've contracted the STI from him that means he's still cheating. I don't want to be in a situation like that again.

[Sam W]

You're quite welcome!

It's totally understandable that you'd want to give him the benefit of the doubt if he's someone you care about and want to be with. But the fact remains that the most likely chain of events, at least from the information you have, is that he contracted the STI and then passed it to you (since it sounds like the two of you don't use barriers every time you have sex, it's likely he doesn't use them with other partners). It's possible that you'll never be able to fully figure out the chain of transmission, so it might help you to consider where you want to go from here in terms of talking with your boyfriend. If you presented him with some of the information we've given you, how do you think he would react?

[Heather]

In case it isn't clear, you having Chlamydia for two years and change and neither of you having any noticeable changes to your health, at all, is just very, very unlikely. It seems very clear you contracted it from him when you visited.

I know that what most likely is going on here and has happened really, really sucks to have to face, but I think if you don't want to get even more locked into a relationship that seems pretty mired in dishonesty and potentially also betrayal (in the event that what he lied about wasn't getting tested in March, but instead has been having sex outside the relationship), I think you need to.

[Heather]

I want to add one more thing: you don't have "trust issues." This isn't some failing of yours.

You don't trust someone who has a history of lies and deception with you, and, it appears, a present habit of same. Not trusting someone you know to be deceptive and dishonest isn't an issue: it's a smart, sound way to be. We shouldn't trust people who lie: that's the right response, not a problem.