I'm scared I won't ever have sex

[MadelynKate]

I just went into the doctor today to get my IUD placed and the couldn't even get like the most micro width scope in with out me being in excruciating pain. Same thing happened when I tried to use a tampon or even mastrabate. I have hyper sensitivities to pain as in my boby likes to over react even if I want something in my brain. I started worrying, will I ever be able to have like vaginal sex without being in pain, is this normal???

[Jacob]

Hi Madelyn!

Sorry you had to go through that. With inserting stuff like tampons or getting in the way of masturbation and in the way of your pleasure this sounds really stressful and frustrating. We have had lots of users over the years who have described similar experiences. Including where they involuntarily tense up when ever they try to insert anything, even when it's something which they outwardly really want to do.

It can be really helpful to find a suitable therapist to work on gradually helping you feel more relaxed. Plenty of people find improvements that way.

As per having sex in general... I'd like to think that sex isn't about what you do physically but how you connect with someone else and cook up some pleasure together. That can be true for all sorts of bodies and identities. So I'm pretty passionate about not saying that a person who hasn't had 'something-in-vagina' intercourse, hasn't had sex, because there are 101 ways in which they truly have.

So if you find stuff that works for you and your partners and you find hot and enjoyable, then that is awesome and it's the stuff to build on, the foundations of your sex with that person. It might happen alongside you investigating and finding improvements in your symptoms related to your vagina, but it doesn't have lie either side of a 'will have sex' / 'won't ever sex' divide. That just sounds like more pressure.

So the short version is:
1. Yep your sex life can be so many awesome things!
2. The insertion stuff can take a bit of time, usually connected to your deeper feelings about sex.
3. There's definitely no need for painful sex as any part of this.

Does that cover most of what you were asking?

See more information here: The FBI Files: Vaginismus

[Heather]

I want to be sure to add that what you say about feeling that your body is overreactive to pain -- in general, but also in regard to this -- is something to talk with a healthcare provider about.

I'm actually dismayed to hear that it sounds like the opportunity was there with this IUD insert attempt, but it doesn't sound like the healthcare provider really talked to you about this, or even asked you questions that might have given them that information like you're giving us here now about your experiences with pain.

Is that right? If not, can you perhaps also share any of that conversation, particularly since what a healthcare provider may have said about this, or ordered tests for, or had suggestions about would be helpful to know in our advising you on this.