Drunk

[kreed95]

I have the option the see a counselor but the only days she is by me is days I’m working. I ended up having to take a whole week off which is seriously going to affect me money wise. When I saw him last. He lost his cool hitting and kicking kid car. I’ve never been so afraid in my life. But I’m seriously trying to forget it happened. Or just remember anything at all.

[Heather]

We can't just forget our traumas. I certainly understand the wish to, especially when they are hurting us the most.

Have you told the counselor about this conflict and asked what they suggest? If not, I would do that.

[kreed95]

I’m trying so hard to live a normal life. It’s just so hard because I don’t want to erase him. But I’m never drinking again. I’m also waiting to do any wedding stuff because I don’t want him to think he can hurt me and get away with it. But it’s hard to go to work and try and act happy since I work with kids. So I worked the day after. Then took a week off and i still feel myself flashing back or wanting to cry while there. Which is hard because I can’t take my eyes off the water being a lifeguard and a camp counselor.

[Sam W]

I'm sorry that what he did is spilling into other parts of your life, although that's unfortunately a common thing to have happen in the wake of an assault.

With your counselor, have the two of you discussed ways to manage things like flashbacks, as well as the conflicts you're feeling? If not, those are definitely topics to bring up at your next session.

[kreed95]

No but more than likely I will call her tomorrow. I haven’t been able to call her because work conflicts. When I was younger it was easier to push it in the back of my mind. Now I break down at work. I find myself sleeping like an hour or 2 here and there and not sleeping at all through the whole night. I’m still struggling to eat. Any food just makes me want to vomit. I know I need to because of work and my bodies needs.

But I seriously feel myself falling back into the old habits. Where I struggling with self harming. As well as I’m finding my self when I’m hungry just not wanting to eat. Which is bad because I have suffered from a eating disorder.

[Heather]

You have been describing, in a few posts here, what sounds like a mental health emergency to me.

I get (oh do I) the desire to try and just keep living your life as if that were not happening, and I also get how when you need to make ends meet, it makes it all even tougher.

But were this me, at this point I would be being very honest with my counselor; getting in touch to tell them all if this and to ask for their help in this earnest emergency. You might need even practical help from them about how to arrange and afford the additional counseling or other care you need, but I strongly encourage you to ask.

I am so sorry for the place you're in, and I also have earnest concerns about you coming through without landing yourself in the hospital at this point. I think it's vital you do what you can to accept you need serious help right now and that it just can't wait and is only going to go more downhill very fast if you don't act in the interest of your own care.

Please let us know if we can help by making any calls on your behalf, something we can do for users is crisis struggling to help themselves.

[kreed95]

I don’t know what to say. I have to keep it to myself at work. But it’s horrible because I have to keep it to myself at home because sex because marriage means disowning in my family. I want help but anytime I told somebody anything it has come to bit me. I get let down or fired for reporting anything. I hate being afraid to do anything. I try my hardest to go through my day as normal as possible but it’s still so hard. I found myself dizzy today and I didn’t know why.

[kreed95]

There is times I need my parent support but they don’t care. I started to self harm tonight and my dog laid on my hand where I couldn’t continue. I love my dogs but I’m terrifed about what’s happening to my self. And I’m lost because of it.

[Heather]

The dizziness likely has at least something to do with you not eating.

Again, you are in a state of mental health emergency. The very best thing we think we can do for you is to continue to implore you to contact a mental healthcare provider and be honest about this and ask for the kind of serious crisis help you need.

I get it feels like all your choices are scary and stink right now, but even if that's so, getting the care that will get you through this seems the only sound choice in the best interest of your well-being. It also seems likely that otherwise, you're going to land yourself in the hospital soon, where you may wind up with far fewer choices about managing your own care.

[kreed95]

Ok I would like help

[Sam W]

Can you give us a sense of what kind of help you'd like? I ask because, as Heather said, you're at the point where you need call you mental healthcare provider and ask them for crisis support and resources. While we can offer support in other ways, we can't substitute for a trained mental health professional and I would not want your focus our conversation here to be keeping you from contacting people who can give you the kind of support that you urgently need right now. Your safety and well-being are the priorities in this situation, and at this point your mental healthcare provider is the person in the best position to help you stay safe and get help.

[Sam W]

To add to my previous post, at this point there are two concrete things we can do for you: we can, with enough information, call an ambulance for you. We can also call your counselor on your behalf, although really that is a step that would be most effective if done by you.

Those two options also reflect the two choices you have right now in terms of getting the help that you need. You can call a healthcare provider and tell them all the details of what is going on, or you can go to the ER and receive care that way. I know that coming here and talking with us might temporarily relieve some of the hard emotions you're going though right now, but ultimately the way to get help is to take one of the two steps I mentioned. That might feel difficult and scary, but it's going to get you connected to the help and care you need and deserve.

[kreed95]

i will be fine. or at least I have to be. and the hospitals where I live aren't good. because my blood test one time I was starving myself and the gave my a couple of different medicines and sent me on my way

[kreed95]

But after work I feel better today. I don't know if its temporary or what but I feel happier.

[Jacob]

Glad you're feeling better kreed!

I'll add to what was being said above that seeking some help is such a good call. And sometimes when we feel more clear-minded and more ok, that's not a reason to forget how bad it has been and actually we can seek help on behalf of the version of ourselves who does struggle.

[Sam W]

Hi Kreed,

I wanted to echo Jacob, both in the fact that I'm glad you're feeling better today and the fact that now, when you're feeling a little more like yourself, is a good time to start building a plan for the next time you start feeling so low that you want to hurt yourself. The biggest element in doing that is going to involve the counselor you've been seeing, since they can both offer you ongoing support and help you figure out a safety plan in the event of a mental health emergency. Can you refresh my memory as to whether you started seeing this counselor because of the abuse you've survived or because of other mental health concerns (you can also give me their name if you like, so that I can see their areas of expertise)? And can you give me a sense of how often you see them, and how long they've been your counselor?

[kreed95]

i just started seeing her when this rape happened. she is just a rape crisis counselor. I try to see her every week to every other week.

[Sam W]

Got it. Do you have an appointment with her this week? If not, I would suggest you call and request one. She can help you connect to some general crisis resources, and the two of you may also be able to do some basic safety planning, or she can help you call someone who can offer safety planning if it's not something she feels comfortable offerring. Can I ask which rape crisis center you're using, so I can get a sense of their services?

[kreed95]

Family Sunshine center.

[Sam W]

Thanks! Have you told your counselor there what you've told us here, specifically the parts about self-harm and the immense toll trauma has been taking on your eating and sleeping habits?

[kreed95]

No I don’t have a appointment till next week. And yes about the eating and sleeping. But not self harm

[Heather]

I would strongly suggest you not wait until next week. Instead, I would suggest you call the center and tell them, very clearly, you are in very serious crisis and need immediate help. Ask them what they can do so you can see them more often and sooner than next week if possible.

If things are as you have been saying they are, it just isn't safe for you to wait, nor for you to be anything but at least as honest with them as you have been with us.

[kreed95]

Ok I will try and do something about it.

[kreed95]

I called and they are not opened today or tomorrow. So I will call her Monday morning to see if I can get in sooner. But as of right now I'm starting to have anxiety attacks. As well as still self harming. but I find that if put tape on my arm it relieves the desire to want to. I am also journaling to express my emotions

[Sam W]

Hi Kreed,

It's great that you reached out to see if the center was open today! I would suggest just going to the office on Monday, although if you want to try and call ahead and let them know you're coming in that's definitely something you can do. But it looks like they're set up to take walk-ins, especially walk-ins who are going through a crisis, so odds are they'll be able to offer you some kind of support. Planning on being a walk-in will also help you get the support you need as soon as possible, rather than waiting several days for an appointment. Too, it also looks like they have at least one 24-hour support line, which I encourage you to call today so you can get at least some support and resources from them.

I'm sorry that you're feeling a spike in your anxiety and that the urge to self-harm hasn't gone away. If you're still feeling those urges, then that puts us back at the advice we were giving you a few days ago: getting in touch with a mental healthcare service that can provide you with immediate resources (this could take the form of calling a hotline) or going to the ER and explaining the situation to them. I know all of those options might feel scary or difficult right now, but ultimately they are the steps that can be taken to keep you safe, which is the top priority.