How to speak to my bf about premature ejaculation

[grincheuse]

Hi,

My Boyfriend and I are together for a year and a half and we are sexually active since a year. We are both our first sexual experience.

I love my boyfriend and he's very caring and attentive but sexually, he can't last for more than 5 sec. At first, we were only doing oral sex, so it doesn't bother me. He was taking all the time needed to please me. However since we've tried intercourse, I would like to know how it feels to make love longer.

At first, I thought that it might only happen because he lacks experience, but it's now a year, and there's no improvement. I found a site on premature ejaculation who taught me the different causes of premature ejaculation and I understand that it's probably not his fault. Still, I would like to experience longer intercourse and sometimes I feel bad for him to have this wish. The same site has an article on how to help your bf with premature ejaculation that tells us that we shouldn't feel bad about this and that the first step is to initiate a talk with him. Still, I'm uncomfortable to talk explicitly about the issue because I know he feels guilty about it and the only time I try to speak about the subject he seems angry.

Do you have any tips on how I can initiate a conversation about it so maybe he can seek treatment for it?

Thank you

P.S. Sorry for the bad english, it's not my first language.

[Sam W]

Hi grincheuse and welcome to Scarleteen,

It's great that you've been trying to learn more about premature ejaculation and that you're looking for ways to talk to your boyfriend about your needs without making him feel guilty. The first thing to know is that, even for people who are comfortable with their partners, the average length of time from the start of genital stimulation to orgasm for a person with a penis is less than three minutes. So what a lot of people view as "premature" is actually well within the average time. I bring this up to help you (and him) reframe what's happening to see it not as him having some sort of problem, but as him having a sexual response that's pretty average. It can actually help you think of premature ejaculation as not a problem at all, but rather simply one way that a body responds to sexual stimulation (I point this out in part because the articles you reference very much present it as a problem to be solved so that they can sell you something). It's not actually something he needs treatment for. You can read more about that here: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/bodie ... jaculation

All that being said, it sounds like part of what you want here is to have your sexual experience and pleasure last longer. The biggest way to do that is to, instead of focusing solely on vaginal intercourse and orgasm, focus on sexual activities that you both enjoy. Does that make sense? And does it feel like something the two of you can do?

Since it sounds like you're also looking for advice on how to feel more comfortable with communicating about sex in general with him, I suggest checking out this article for lots of ways to do that: Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner

[grincheuse]

Thank you for your answer. I know that we can prolong sex with other type of stimulation, but I would really like to enjoy penetration, I'm a kind of curious of what it feels like! 3 minutes would be more than fine for me, it's just that my bf can't last more than 5 sec for now...

I'm not sure the site I linked try to sell us anything... they tell that the first thing to try is some kind of exercises to help recognize and manage the arousal. Maybe it can be a way to start the conversation with my bf.

I know I have to speak to him about it, it's just that I don't want to hurt him by telling him that I'm not satisfied with something. That's a negative talk. But if I tell him that I'm satisfied with a lot of things (like how he cares for me during other sex act), and there're some things we can do to make it even better (like doing sex exercises together), that's a positive talk to have!

[Sam W]

You're welcome! I hear what you're saying, and depending on the factors effecting his sexual response time, it's quite possible that vaginal intercourse will last longer in the future. Too, if you're specifically interested in extending vaginal intercourse, it can help to remember that fingers and sex toys are also an option for doing that activity during partnered sex.

I think you're definitely on the right track in presenting this to your boyfriend in the context of being very satisfied with your sex life, but wanting to try things that might make it more satisfying. Too, you can use this conversation as an opportunity to talk about what you both need and want from your sex life, which is a good habit to develop.

When you're doing all this, I'd caution against thinking or talking about his premature ejaculation as an issue to be solved. That can add a lot of pressure to your sexual interactions (and to his feelings about them), when at least some of what's happening is outside of his control. After all, our bodies don't always respond the way we want them to in a situation. You can definitely try some exercises if you want, but I'd also suggest the two of you read over that first piece I linked you to (the one about premature ejaculation) for some other ways to approach this situation.