Confused!

[Tigger1]

Hi!

Recently I’ve been wondering if I take too long in bed and that my partner is getting bored!
When having sex they always look bored. I ask if they are ok and they say yes but I wish they would tell their face that! It’s offputting! Or mid session they start talking to me about random stuff like the other day they started talking to me about land rovers!

We’ve talked about using toys but I have said I find these uncomfortable, the insertion is uncomfortable, I’m ok when they are in. So we decided to just carry on as we have been. Then the last time we were together, they were fingering me and it was nice and felt good I began to relax, Then their phone rang and they answered it!! (First off who does that!) and not only did they answer the phone, they carried on fingering me whilst talking which I was not ok with!
Should I fake it so it’s over quicker? I’ve told them what I am and am not into previously, should I try that again?

Thanks for the help!

[Heather]

Hope you're generally doing well, Tigger.

We don't ever advising faking sexual responses. It gives partners the wrong information about what you like or what works for you, it's dishonest, and it also makes your sexual life into a show or performance rather than a real, shared experience.

I would suggest you have the same kind of talk with them you are having with us here. And if you did not tell them you were not okay with what you mentioned above at this time, you for sure need to do that, and in the future, do that at the time, ideally. You can let them know that when they do things like answer a phone during sexual activity, or start talking about random things, you feel like they're bored and also don't like how they don't seem to be all-in when it comes to having sex with you. You can tell them those things have bothered you and have you concerned that they don't actually want to be there. You can let them know that you feel like their words and their behaviours don't seem to match up for you (they say they're into it, but they are acting very distracted). Then I would ask to talk about this and ask them to be honest, even if being honest might suck or feel uncomfortable.

If they say they really are all there and into things, then it might just be a matter of asking for some simple changes, like them turning their ringer off and choosing not to start talking about random things in the middle of everything because now they know you don't like that.

[Tigger1]

Hi Heather,
Generally very well thanks! Hope you are too?!

I said at the time that I didn’t like them answering the phone, to
Which they did say sorry but they thought it was important.
I’ve mentioned before to them that talking about random things isn’t exactly a turn on but it doesn’t seem to have been taken notice of! Yet I’m suppose to be all in all the time. They just say they are sorry but it happens again.

I haven’t as yet faked it and as per your advise I won’t! I’ve been totally honest with them about what I do and do not like. I feel I’m able to
Do that but it doesn’t feel or seem like they actually listen.
I seem to get a little into things and then it’s time for them regardless of how I’m doing which is why I feel like maybe I take too long.
It’s not just this occasion either where they told the person they’d be there in 15minutes. It happens a lot.

Our relationship is good it’s just the sexual side of things that isn’t on course.
We’ve tried things they want to do, I’ve been honest about what has and hasn’t worked for me. Sometimes we’ve tried those things a couple times to make sure they aren’t right. Generally I feel comfortable communicating with them.
I’ve said in the past that I need longer to get things going and that rushing isn’t helpful

[Heather]

Hanging in there, thanks.

Do you think it's possible you two just aren't a good fit sexually? It sounds like you feel like all your communication isn't really having any kind of results, and I hear you saying, in a bunch of ways, sex with them isn't very satisfying for you, and they also don't seem to be satisfied. It does also sound to me, based on what you are describing here, that they really are distracted as a rule during sex with you, and like that hasn't shown any sign of changing at all.

So, can I ask this: since this sounds like this just isn't a good sexual fit -- and I don't hear you saying anything that suggests it ever was -- and like you two possibly aren't compatible and may not become so, why stay in a sexual relationship with them? Why not instead shift to a way of being together that does work better, since you seem to express you have other ways of relating to each other and being in each others lives that is a good fit?

[Tigger1]

At times it has been sexually satisfying, when We have both been all in. It’s good. When they are distracted by other stuff it’s useless but it’s them that suggest sexual activity. They say they are satisfied (when they are all in)
I get that sex isn’t everything in a relationship but it’s a huge part of it?! We got engaged two days ago so I’d like to try and figure out the sexual side of things to go along with the relationship. Is it possible to become more capatable?

[Heather]

It depends on the kind of relationship. In a sexual relationship, it's a very big deal. I'd say if you are considering entering into marriage with someone, with having a sexual relationship be part of that as the plan, it matters a lot. Personally, I'd slow way down with things while something that you probably both want to be a big part of the relationship seems so busted and problematic. Making a marriage proposal or saying yes to one when you know you're in the middle of a big part of the relationship not working isn't generally advisable.

People can become more compatible, but they have to be able to communicate well to do that AND have to want similar things. That's something I'd talk about when you talk next about this, too.

When you have this next big talk with them, on top of bringing up all of what I suggested so far, you might also go ahead and try and make some new agreements. Like, for instance, that this person not be sexual with you at times they have to pay attention to their phone (and again, put the thing away when they are sexual with you, ringer off, FFS), and perhaps that if they start to feel distracted, they -- or you -- just go ahead and ask to stop. In other words, part of your conversation may also involve getting started on figuring out how to deal with distractibility in practical ways.

[Tigger1]

Ringers should Defo be off! Regardless of who starts the activity! What’s more important in that given moment, the person you’re playing with or someone that wants a car part fixed smh!

We sit talk daily about things, general things so perhaps this will be tonight’s topic of conversation.
I really am invested in this relationship and can see the future in it but I do want the sexual part of the relationship to be big too as I’m
Sure they do.
It is problematic, it’s not that I can’t achieve orgasm with them because I have in the past. I certainly don’t want to feel rushed to it though or given a time limit to achieve it in. Where’s the fun in that?! I’m able to achieve orgasm on my own so I’ve been able to know what’s good or not and have told them this.

I understand getting a business up and running is difficult and you wanna get the name out there but people can wait whilst being sexual with me right?! If I take longer than usual there try a little harder It’s ok when we’re both all in but perhaps not starting things If there’s likely to be a distraction would be a start.

Sorry part of that is me trying to work out how to word things when I have the conversation.

[Heather]

Honestly, I think that you shouldn't have to try that hard: you don't need a perfect script, and there isn't going to be such a thing.

You just need to be very honest and very clear and take it from there, I think. If it feels like you need to do a ton of prep, that could be a cue that, again, you may need to slow everything down while you figure this out, because at the point you're making long-term and very serious legal commitments, IMO, if you're not making them just for a benefit (like insurance or national residency), most parts of the relationship should flow pretty easy and not involve a ton of heavy lifting with pretty standard couple-sex-life conversation fare.

[Tigger1]

no we’re not doing it for any benefit reasons.

I will have the convo with them. See where we get to.

If this thing isn’t compatible sexually then that opens up a whole heap of other convos I guess.
Sex in a relationship to me is a big deal, it’s a major part of it.

[Tigger1]

Hey,
So we had a honest and open convo and they said they were sorry about the phone call and didn’t realise I might take offence to it. But agreed That it was the wrong thing to do after I explained.

They wished I’d speak more about my fantasies and maybe dress a little differently, that they wish I wouldn’t just say no to some things without trying them first because how do I know I don’t like them if I won’t try them, what doesn’t work with one person may work with another as in previous partners. We have tried things in the past as I said earlier and a couple times in some cases.
That sometimes it’s hard to be in the mood because their mind is often on other things before sexual activity has even started.
They aren’t sure If im into what they are doing because I don’t make the right noises.
They enjoy our sex life and is satisfied when we do have sex but wish I’d be more adventurous and less uptight!

[Sam W]

Hi Tigger,

I'm glad to hear that you two had a talk and were honest with each other. That being said, some of their responses make me inclined to echo what Heather said about the two of you just not being sexually compatible. It sounds like they'd like to have a lot of experimentation in their sex life, while you'd rather err on the side of not trying things that don't sound good to you. And those are both okay ways to be! They just don't make for a very compatible, frustration free sex life. I'd also add that experimenting with boundaries or trying new things during sex is something that requires a lot of communication and attentiveness, something that clearly is not present in your relationship right now. Too, it may help to remind them that you don't have to try something to know you wouldn't enjoy it. For instance, someone who knows they have a low tolerance for spicy food doesn't need to try ultra-hot ghost pepper chili to know that they won't like it; they've got a pretty solid sense of their preferences. The same is true of sex. Does that make sense?

It also sounds to me like they have some unexamined expectations about how a sexual partner should be that don't mesh with how you, their actual human partner, is acting. The fact that they want you to dress differently, or that you don't make the "right" noises, for instance (there is no such thing as the "right" sound to make during sex, by the by). It sounds like they're interested in some hypothetical version of you as a sexual partner rather than how you actually are. It also seems that much of their conversation focused on how you could change to suit their sexual needs, rather than on how they could meet yours or how they could stay in the moment with you rather than focusing on other things during sex. Does that sound about right?

[Tigger1]

Hi Sam,
Thanks for the reply.
Yes it felt very negative towards me and that I somehow needed to change the way I am and what I do. I mentioned something I just wasn’t ok with and was told it was one of their favs and perhaps if we tried this or that it would be better for me. Erm no! I just don’t like it, regardless and no amount of trying it a different way is going to help that or change my mind on it.
Their partner before me was more ‘adventurous’ apparently and I’m just not things we’ve tried some are ok and some I’m not cool with.
When they talk about sharing my fantasies with them, I just don’t have any. There isn’t anything I feel I want to try just now. Is that ok too?!
So yes the conversation did seem one sided towards how I could change or be different.

[Sam W]

That sounds like a pretty yucky way to end up feeling after talking about boundaries with a partner, although it's great that you made your boundaries and feelings clear. To your question about fantasies, it's totally fine if you don't have them! Some people have active very active sexual imaginations and other people don't, and neither of those options are inherently a "better" way to be.

Really though, from what you're describing it sounds like this relationship has hit it's expiration date. You've discovered that the two of you aren't well-matched sexually and, more importantly, that this person isn't very respectful of your boundaries when it comes to sex, which is not a good quality in a partner. Those two issues point to it being time to considered whether you want to continue this relationship, or whether it's best to breakup (even if breakups are not fun in the short term, they often save you a lot of unpleasantness in the long run). How does considering the breakup option make you feel?

[Tigger1]

Hey!
We only got engaged a few days ago, huge proposal in front of a lot of people, one that I have entered into knowing what our sex life has been like and one that I could see to marriage if we iron out the creases but I see what you are saying that it’s not likely to happen so I guess the answer to your question is I’m not sure how I feel about breaking it off. Either way I feel like it’s going to suck, either I go forward in a relationship that isn’t sexually forfilling most of the time or break it off

[Heather]

Can you recognize that the level of strife a breakup would cause would pale in comparison to a marriage, potentially over many years, that is deeply problematic (this is more than just "not fulfilling") in one major area are not comparable?

Either way, it seems like what you just need to do know is go spend some time with yourself thinking about all of this, and getting started making some decisions. You don't have to breakup now or not at all, you get to take time to think about this and consider all your options, from breaking up to talking about this more, ot maybe even bringing a counselor into the mix, etc.

[Tigger1]

Hi,
Yes I understand that going forward with this is not advisable. I get what you are saying.

Deep down I know this isn’t going to work, I know I want a relationship and marriage that is holistic and that this isn’t.
I love them but I know going forward it’s not going to help.
I get that in your message heather you’ve said that findin a different kind of relationship may be best. Like staying friends, if possible.
I’m not sure how I feel about breaking up but I understand agreeing to the proposal wasn’t the brightest thing to do under the circumstances.

[Heather]

I think focusing on potentially wrong decisions maybe isn't so helpful. I'd focus on what you want to do from here, and what you think seem like right decisions.

I'd start with just thinking about that for yourself. If this is a long-term relationship, maybe even for a few weeks. Maybe somewhere in there you talk to a couple friends about it. And then, at some point, it'll be time to talk to this guy. Maybe that talk will be about seeking solutions while staying together for now, like counseling -- I assume you did have compelling reasons to decide to get engaged to this person, so you very well might not want to just leave this part of the relationship as a no-go -- or maybe it'll be about a breakup. Maybe it'll even just be about how you're feeling and you telling him you honestly don't know what to do just yet and are still trying to figure that out.

But it's not going to be resolved or decided in one day, probably. Now you just kind of embark on the process of figuring it all out, making decisions, and then moving forward from there.

[Tigger1]

Thank you once again for your advise
I found it easier to discuss it with you than my friends to start with, hope that’s ok?!