Almost 30 yr old virgin

[coffeemug]

I am 27 and have never been physical with anyone. I have always been incredibly anxious which prevented me from even going out when i was younger, so i never really had the chance to even have a romantic relationship. Now in my mid-late twenties I feel like it is a massive elephant in the room of all of the experienced people i meet. I want to have sex, but now it seems so complicated, like there is a lot of would have to explain before even seeing a penis for the first time. How do i explain to someone that I have no idea what im doing? how will i know what I'm doing? How do i even START doing ANYTHING? I feel stupid.

[Alice O]

Hi coffeemug,

Welcome to the boards

There's a lot to respond to here, so if you are interested this can be an ongoing conversation, but to start us off I have a few questions.

You mentioned your anxiety has often gotten in the way of having romantic relationships. That makes a lot of sense! How are you doing with anxiety these days? Are you seeing a therapist and do you have any strategies that help you manage the anxiety? How are your friendships and how does your anxiety mix with those type of relationships?

How do you feel about your sexuality with yourself? Before we have sexual relationships with another person, we have a sexual relationship with ourself. Before we have had partnered sex, we (ideally) have already gotten to know our own sexuality: what are some things that are pleasurable for us, what some of our desires are, etc. Have you explored your sexuality on your own, or is that something new to you?

Are you interested in having sex in the context of a romantic relationship? A friendship? A more casual encounter? Any answer is fine, just want to get a better sense!

Lastly, a reminder that everyone has different sexual experiences at different ages and there is no age that is "too old" to do something for the first time. Try to be gentle with yourself as you explore all this!

[coffeemug]

Hi Alice,
thank you for your reply

I am currently seeing a therapist and feel that I am in a very good place with my anxiety in a general sense, but there is a lot that still looms in this area. For a long time I didn't even go out or have close friends, but over the past year that has changed a lot and I go out and hang out with friends and I'm in a much better place socially.

I am uncomfortable with myself and my sexuality because I've never really explored it. I have masturbated but can never seem to relax enough to get anything out of it. So it is definitely something new to me.

As far as what context, I'm not sure? I would definitely like a relationship but a bigger part of me kind of just wants to explore. I wouldn't mind casual but I am afraid of becoming a weird story of inexperience they tell to their friends.

[Alice O]

Hi coffeemug,

I am so sorry for the majorly delayed response! As I was going through old board posts I notice that none of our staff had replied to you. Every once and awhile something slips by us--apologies.

First of all, are your questions and concerns around this feeling similar to a month and a half ago? If not, what are you thinking about since you last posted?

I'm glad to hear that you are working with a therapist and that you have had such positive changes over the past year! That's amazing Is the subject of sex and sexuality something that you have talked with your therapist about? If so, what has their advice been? Is it something you feel comfortable talking with any of your friends about?

I think you might find a few things in this piece on masturbation helpful: How Do You Masturbate? There are a bunch of pieces about masturbation on the main site so also feel free to poke around. What comes up for you in reading the piece?