Did I sexually harass someone?

[_boople_snoot_]

This is awful to think about as someone who has been through abuse but it's kind of eating me away. Me, my girlfriend at the time, and my best friend's boyfriend went to en empty park together and hung out. We were really close and really chill together. We thought it would be funny for some reason to watch porn as like a joke because we were at a place where little kids played (there was no one there, the park was closed and we hopped the fence). And A (my best friend's boyfriend called A for simplicity), as someone with a penis, got a boner. As someone who has only really been with girls, I had never seen one irl. And in our friend group of many genders, we find boners hilarious. I laughed when I saw it and (we were really close and there was no problem with this) I poked it. AND IT GOT BIGGER. I was surprised but J (my gf at the time called J for simplicity) who is pansexual had seen plenty. So me, A, and J were all laughing but then we started joking about how slutty I am and that I would probably suck it and I was like yea, I probably would. But then J suggested that I actually do it. And i said yea. And we pressured him to take his pants off and when his penis was out I regretted my decision. A wave of reality hit me. I'm about to give a bj to my best friend's bf so I asked if he was sure and he said he wasn't sure and to get it over with. So I did. AND I FEEL LIKE SHIT ABOUT IT

[Mo]

I understand why you're upset here, because to be honest this is upsetting.

Here's what I'm understanding about this situation, from what you said above: you touched A's penis without asking first. You and J pressured A into taking his clothes off and into receiving oral sex. When you did finally check in with him, you went ahead despite having him say he wasn't sure he wanted it. "I'm not sure" is a no.
None of these things are ok; neither you nor J were mindful or respectful of A's consent at all here. It sounds a bit like this felt like a joke a game to you at the time, but sexual jokes only work when everyone's consenting and taking part freely. Otherwise, yes - at the very best it's sexual harassment.

I think our big piece on consent would be a helpful thing for you to read right now: Driver's Ed for the Sexual Superhighway: Navigating Consent

[_boople_snoot_]

How do I apologize? Both to A, and his girlfriend?

[Jacob]

Hi boopie,

I don't know about his girlfriend, it sounds like it's him which might have been hurt more directly and if he wanted to talk to her about it, it would be his choice?

On how to appologise...

For me effectively apologising means actually saying you are sorry, being willing to make some sort of change, and importantly to understand how it might have felt for him and asking for then listening to whatever he might need... whether that might be hearing your apology, talking it through further or not having contact. He might even want nothing at all. All you can do at this point is try your best.

I think the most important thing is that the apology isn't about alleviating guilt, it's about offering acknowledgement.

As for the guilt, I think it can be helpful to think of it as a sort of wound that takes time to heal; an after effect of what happened. Trying to be a better person and giving ourselves time to heal, helps that improve over time. It isn't something someone else can take away.

[_boople_snoot_]

I don't think A really saw it as that. He blames himself and that's even more messed up. How do I explain the reality 0f the situation?

[Heather]

I don't think you do. It's not for you to tell someone else their reality, or correct their feelings or experiences. This is about what you know you did and taking responsibility for yourself.

Rather, you take responsibility for your actions -- such as "I touched your penis without asking first, pressured you into taking your clothes off and into oral sex, and did more without your permission. None of that was okay for me to do." -- and then you do what you can to make amends, starting with an apology, followed by an ask -- like, "Is there anything I can do right now to make amends for this?" -- and then you just put in sustained effort from here on out to do right by them.

[Jacob]

Just to reiterate what Heather has said.

Him not understanding it as abusive isn't something you need to change, nor is where he feels blame.

Needing him to feel ok or see things clearly, so that you can feel ok is not actually putting putting him first.

The ways in which he's unhappy might be an important part of the process for him. We just don't know, we can feel regret about that, but taking the approach Heather outlines is they way to find out if there's anything he wants from you when you've stated the facts and the apology of it.

Again this isn't about you getting closure. It's just about trying to do a good job of apology, for his sake.