What are these feelings?

[Memekid]

I don't really fall in love with anyone ( with the exception of fictional characters ) but ever since this new kid arrived, I find my mind changed significantly after noticing at least two similarities he happened to share with my current fictional crush.

I'm suddenly getting many panic attacks in a single school day just from worrying about any chances of seeing him. I have at least one class period with him which brings on the panic attacks even stronger. I keep questioning whether or not it's romantic interest, but i feel no love at all and any daydreams about it makes me suddenly burst into tears. I can't even focus in class since the anxiety is so bad. I have at least a little bit of interest in being friends but that's pretty much it. What could these feelings be?

[Sam W]

Hi memekid,

Those sound like some really intense emotions to be dealing with, especially in the middle of a school day. Before we dive into what you might be feeling for this person, can I ask if you've got some ways to ground yourself or otherwise come down from the attacks when they happen? And are there any tools you've developed from dealing with these attacks in the past that might help you head them off when you feel one starting?

As for your feelings towards this new person, I think a sound first step would be stick the question of "is this love/a crush" on the shelf for a bit and instead focus on looking for familiar emotions in the swirl of feelings this person seems to cause when you see them. For example, you mention some interest in being friends with him. When you think about him, does it evoke similar feelings (like curiosity or affinity) to when you were interested in making friends with a person in the past? Or do your feelings seem unfamiliar even when you put them in the context of wanting to be friends with someone?

[Memekid]

I usually let the attacks happen themselves although fictional things I like decrease the feeling a little bit.

I think the feelings evoke curiosity but at the same time they feel so unfamiliar.

[Alice O]

Hey Memekid,

Hope it's okay that I'm jumping in

Since it sounds like you often ride the attacks out, one thing that might be helpful is to be really mindful of the waves. When I pay close attention, I notice that panic comes in waves, and there are breaks in between the waves. And then there is the big break when all of the waves are gone. Have ever tried being mindful of that, or is that something that you would be interested in trying? Could you share more about how the fictional things help? That might give us a clearer sense of what else would be helpful as you navigate these feelings.

How long has it been since this new person arrived at the school? In the period since they arrived, have your feelings changed at all?

[Memekid]

I think I'd be interested in trying it. My fictional interests help in that it's usually the sort of stuff my mind obsessed over before this kid came into the picture. Even though I still do obsess over such things now most of my thoughts are filled with panic.

The new student arrived sometime last week and when his name was said, that was when the attacks began mostly because he happened to share the same name as my current fictional crush. I happen to be in 1st period right now, and so far I'm only lightly sweating with my heart rate speeding up a bit but I don't feel as overwhelmed as I have. It could be the Aleeve I took before school though.

[Sam W]

Okay, so if i'm hearing you right (and please correct me if I'm not), something that helps when you feel panicked is to focus on fictional things that interest you. If that's the case, you could definitely try concentrating on those things when you feel the panic coming on to see if it helps head those feelings off. With being mindful of the waves of anxiety like Alice suggested, something I find helpful is to visualize them as literal waves (or something that rises and falls like a wave) and picture where you are on the wave based on how you're feeling. For example, if you feel a fairly heightened anxiety, you picture yourself on the crest of the wave, but then you also picture yourself coming down gently along with the wave as your anxiety gradually goes lower and lower. Does that make sense?

It's sounding a little bit like what's causing the panic is the way your brain spots similarities between this guy and your fictional crush. What if, when you find your brain thinking about him, you try focusing on the things that make him different from the fictional person? In other words, try to unlink him from the character in your mind. Do you think that might help you?

[Memekid]

One thing I do notice is that I also get attacks whenever his name gets said, for exactly the reason you might think. I might try to unlink them although my brain will make it hard.

[Sam W]

It does sound like it will take at least a little bit of practice to retrain your brain, but also like doing so might help cut down some of the built up anxiety attached to his name and his person. One other technique to try (because there is going to be at least a little bit of trial and error here, and that's totally okay) is to, when his name is said, recognize the effect that name has on you, and then let that feeling go and move your thoughts to something else. In other words, you're not trying to bury the feeling that comes up, but you're also not keeping your focus on that feeling and instead letting it flit through your brain and then off to somewhere else.

[Memekid]

Sounds like a good tactic

After some brooding of mine, I realized I might be dealing with my first squish, which happens to be an intense one. I sometimes find myself thinking about how the new student must be feeling lonely and how it kinda pains me to think that. However with panic as strong as now, I don't think such interactions will be possible.

[Sam W]

I think it's very sound of you to realize that any interaction with him needs to be set aside until your brain has learned that seeing him or talking to him doesn't require a panic response. But, it does sound like you're starting to be able to put a name to how you feel about him, and that may help decrease the panic because you no longer have the element of "what the HECK even is this emotion ahhhhhh" happening when you think about him. And you're right that squishes, especially if they're happening to you for the first time, can be result in some intense and occasionally unfamiliar emotions.

[Memekid]

At least these attacks are getting weaker

[Mo]

That's good to hear! Hopefully over time you'll find that they continue to fade in intensity and that they feel easier to handle when they do happen.

[Memekid]

Hopefully, but at least since I'm off from school for the week due to snow I can cast aside most of my worries. However I still find myself sometimes having thoughts of spending time with him in a friendship way and it pretty much distracts from everything else.

[Sam W]

Are those interests in becoming friends something you'd like to work towards? Or are they something you'd also like to have fade eventually?

[Memekid]

I would prefer them to fade away, but then again it's never a bad thing to have a friend.

[Memekid]

I've recently been seeing the student in my dreams at least 3 times. At least one of them had us becoming friends only to try being romantic to me despite me repeatedly pointing out to him that I'm a Gray Ace. The more recent dream felt too realistic. I was at school and it was another day as I had lots of panic attacks from being near the exchange student. I woke up at some point during the dream feeling scared.

[Memekid]

And these feelings are hard to figure out when my narcissistic mom constantly puts me through abuse ( which is another story for another board )

[Heather]

Hey there, memekid.

If I'm getting this right, what you're asking us for is help with ongoing anxiety and panic attacks. Do I have that right? If so, I'm afraid that's just really not something we can help much with, as that's an ongoing mental healthcare need, a thing we're just not qualified to provide.

We do have a big page of resources specifically for users looking for help with anxiety, resources from people and places who are better qualified to help. Have you seen it? It's here: Anxiety and Other Mental Health Resources

[Memekid]

I was actually wondering what these strange feelings were. I know I'm not supposed to ask such questions on this board.

[Sam W]

Got it. At a certain point, the only person who can put a name to what you're feeling is you. We can offer thoughts or resources where relevant, but ultimately defining what's going on is up to you. And sometimes all you can do when sorting out your feelings about something or someone is let them run their course for a bit. If you realizing that the feelings for this person are linked closely to a panic reaction for you, then the best course forward is to use a mental health resource and bring this situation in as part of the conversation you have there. Does that make sense?

[Memekid]

Of course it does