Reprise

[Skeleton]

If anyone remembers the thread I made on the old boards, I'm not going to reproduce it all here but the situation has changed and I'm trying to get my head around what's going on now. The back story is that an ex-lover who abruptly left me two years ago got back in touch with me several months ago, revealing that she was in an abusive relationship and felt suicidal.

Since I last posted, long story short she left him, we did end up having sex very soon afterward, contrary to all my intentions and expectations, and not only once. I've seen her three times since, there was on one occasion an argument and a reconciliation. Most recently I was even introduced to one of her friends.

As could have been predicted, it's not quite so simple as happily ever after. While she shows signs of caring about me, she doesn't seem to have much in the way of enthusiasm for her new circumstances. Highly likely that she's depressed. As I had been aware of and she stated, the two years she spent with him are now forever a part of her and she's devastated by the loss. Whereas in my case, I wasted two years acutely aware of the fact and it isn't news to me.

I was naturally overjoyed when she left him, and naturally she wasn't. Her attitude to this nascent new relationship with me isn't entirely clear. One of her friends who knows a small part of her history with me has taken pains to express to her that it's a bad idea. Which conflicts with my interests but is not something I resent, since I can see where she's coming from. This isn't the friend of hers that I met.

There's been a subtle shift in how she interacts with me. She seeks out my attention slightly less than before and makes fun of me more. Which is not in itself a bad thing, I pride myself on being able to laugh at myself, but when she said 'This must be how <ex> felt I can see why he did it' after making me cringe the next thing she said was 'that's a serious face'. Suddenly I had an ugly new perspective on the matter.

I don't really know where I stand. I don't want to end up in a relationship with her by default, but that's not entirely what's happening. For a start, I'm not sure I can say I'm in a relationship with her. She never considered what we had before to be a relationship, apparently simply because I didn't say it was. I'm also still besotted with her and don't want to lose her - but that brings me back to the difference between the person who inhabits my memories and the person she is now. They look the same.

I think that now as ever my best move is to play it cool and focus on my own life but these questions still trouble me and she doesn't seem able to provide all the answers herself. And I'm not talking about it to anyone. I'm actually feeling rather anxious about posting this.

[Johanna]

Welcome back, Skeleton.

I think the place to start here is for you to figure out what you want out of this interaction, and also to measure that up against what you can realistically expect.

What I am hearing is that you don't know where you're at and what you want, and that you are watching yourself drift into a relationship with this person because you really like who she used to be, or who you would like her to be. And I am also hearing that you're aware that that's not necessarily healthy, or good for you.

I disagree with you when you say that the best thing you can do is to play it cool and do your own thing, because it seems to me that part of the reason why this is happening at all is that you've not identified for yourself where you really stand and what you want, and that you've not gotten any clear answers from her. And you may not get a clear answer from her, and unfortunately that it is not something you have much control over. But you do have control over your part in this, and once you figure out what you want and what is best for you right now, you can then decide based on that whether you want to continue with this relationship, dial it down to a platonic relationship, or end it altogether.

I think some outside perspective might also be helpful for you in this. Is there a reason you have not discussed this with your friends?

[Mo]

Honestly, I think the only way you can really know where you stand with this person and what sort of relationship, if any, she's interested in is to talk with her about it. It could be that her being mean to you and not seeking you out as much is a sign that she's looking for a little more space, or is feeling conflicted about being involved with you right now, but guessing won't get you far so I think initiating a conversation is the best plan. If she isn't really willing or able to articulate what she wants, then that might just be a sign that she's not in the right place to be in one at all right now; sometimes being unwilling to talk or give clear answers is, in itself, an answer. And sure, people look the same as time goes on but they do change, and the way to understand that change is to listen to what they have to say in the present and do your best to separate the realities of the present with what you knew or believed in the past.

You talk about time wasted while she was in another relationship and while I know it really hurts to have someone we care about in a bad situation it's not healthy to have your own life feel like it's stopping. Whether you two wind up dating or not it's important to make sure you're taking care of yourself and filling your life with hopes and dreams and goals that aren't related to her or to your potential/actual relationship.