She was my first, I wasnt hers

[JC2014]

Me and my girlfriend been together for 5 years, she was my first and she has had 4-5 others before me, and it never really bothered me in the beginning but as time went by and we got more and more serious it started to bother me. Mostly because she is always talked about getting married and I've never really cared for marriage. Until now now I've been thinking about marriage a lot lately but all I could ever think about is like she's had these experiences with others and I've just had her. Of course I obviously I've had all the other insecurities that most dudes have when their aren't their girlfriend's first. I did all the questioning all the stuff you're not supposed to do a course I did it and it hurt me knowing that it would hurt me. I guess knowing her past will make me feel better about me not having a past. And it's crazy cuz she knows exactly what she wants she wants marriage and love. Don't get me wrong I want this too. I guess I just wish I had a past to put behind me so I can know exactly what I want in life just like she does. but then I think like her past led her to me and me having not do nothing led me to her. I love her dearly with everything I have but it's just everytime I think about proposing or talking about proposing it just plays in my head of her with past lovers. And the crazy thing is she lied to me about the number of lovers she had in the beginning, you know you talk with friends and stuff comes out so I question her and the number changes, it from original she told me, which puts at total of 4-5. And she also told me I had been almost three years before me and she lied and she had had an intercourse like nine months before we did. I know all this stuff is dumb and I should put it behind me it's in the past but why does it keep haunting me? Her past is her past why can't I let it go. I mean we've been together 5 years in which I've had these feelings after maybe the first year, but it was love none of that mattered. Until I started you like realize things here and there notice things you know start thinking about marriage. It hurts. I thought about it I thought about going out trying to get with girls and make it even but I'm no cheater I haven't have it in me. She never cheated on me (I hope and pray not). But once I found out she lied about the number and then the times it felt like she cheated like I don't know why. it shook me. Thinking you know it's been so long for her and this and that and just to find out a few months ago maybe more or less but it doesn't matter that's when we first started texting each other. Even though neither of us have the intentions of growing together we were just trying to figure each other out and be friends whatever. But it just hurt after the first few months we started getting serious I sat down and I asked her was there anybody you were talking to that I should know I don't want to look like a fool and she told me" no I've only had one other that I've been with and maybe one after that to get back at him cuz he cheated on me" so I was content with that few years down the road I find out what I just said earlier so that killed me on the inside. So after all these years of emotions build up I held back things out I just sit back and think I should have just cut it off in the beginning but then again I think it was so damn good and why does it still stick around in my hand it's still good (our relationship). Make it hurts to like having intercourse and then like see her laying there and just think that another man would touch her the way I touched her. And another thing that ate me so bad she told me about about some of the guy she had in the past and how it was just a few days of texting and then they did it. She made me fight and fight and fight to try and took 9 months before we even got close to that point. And trust me I know it is horrible horrible horrible horrible horrible of me to hold this against her but it just hurts me I don't know why. It's caused a lot of problems in my relationship. but I love her. Also I failed to tell we do have a child together which has probably kept us together longest. The crazy thing is every time we would think about spitting up or taking a break something happened, (hint hint our baby). We recently just had a huge talk about everything and I've told her everything I came out said everything I felt and I felt like I just made everything worse I feel like I'm holding her back from what she wants to accomplish spiritually and physically. I want to make everything work for my family for my baby for her but these thoughts just keep coming back into my head. And I know it's so hard for her to understand me because she has had heartbreak she's experienced love She's experienced one night hookup she's done the things that I wish I could have done or at least should have done. So so now I know why she is so setting everything she wants she wants to avoid heartbreak she wants to experience love. I was thinking back to when she would told me she wish we met later in life after I lived a little bit. Sometimes I wish the same or then who knows we may have never found each other again. It's crazy and I hate it for me to have these thoughts all the time. And there are times where I get good and I don't think about it I'm focus on the present but all these little reminders come around like her mother will bring up something in the past that I knew they did and I wasn't there is with her past lover. that hurts. Her best friend will call her to gossip send her pictures of her some of past guys he doing bad and they would talk about it she would ask questions.(not all at once, like here and there) like her first time she was with this guy for a very long time and and they grew up together so he knows the family her dad always talks about him not to me to her and she tells me that hurts. But it's not like relationship-wise you talk to him about how he's doing cuz he's a troublemaker that guy so he's always in trouble in the dad just tells her about it. ( I hope that really what they talks about) and there is plenty more I can say but I feel like I'm running out of room to write lol. I think I'm going to seek out counseling or therapy something to help me get over this feeling. But anything would help at this point in time. I'm hurt but I heard her way way way more than I could ever think I could I think I've broken her and it hurts me knowing that I am capable of doing something I never thought I could do. Every day just goes on and on and on I know and ever since I told her everything I felt and we've talked about everything we've got everything off the table she told me everything she said she didn't hold nothing back I know the whole truth and yet the worlds still crashing on me still. I guess that's love I'm not sure. Maybe there's a reason for all of this maybe God put us in this place for some kind of Reason I've yet to figure out. But I love her so much and I know she loves me so much almost unconditionally I just wish there is a way to get over all of this. Love is very complicated I would say. thank you for your time for for reading this I don't know what I can gain but I hope something helps. Thank you

[Sam W]

Hi JC2014,

It sounds like there are multiple elements to this situation that are combining to make you stressed, so I'm going to start out by addressing a few of them and then we can see where the conversation leads from there.

First off, I encourage you to follow your instinct to talk with a counselor. Even if it's only for a little while, working with a professional can help you sort through the underlying causes of these emotions and give you tools to manage them and move past some of them. You may also want to consider couples counseling if your girlfriend is open to the idea.

When it comes to making peace with your girlfriend's past, and with your own, a good question to start with is: since neither of you can undo the past, what would be needed for to feel okay with it? And, along with that, I would suggest taking time to think about what is at the heart of your insecurity about her past relationships. It sounds like you intellectually know that your feelings aren't fair to her and are ultimately hurting your relationship, so you'll need to puzzle out what emotional reason behind them is. Is it some notion about fairness or balance? Insecurity? Regret? You don't have to have an answer for that right away, but figuring out what is driving these feelings can go a long way towards figuring out how to deal with them.

The other element that seems to be at play here is what you and she want from this relationship going forward. It sounds like you told her recently about all these feelings you've been having. Did that end up leading to a conversation between you two about the future of your relationship? Or is that something that has remained undiscussed?

[Sam W]

I also want to toss these advice columns your way, as they address a lot of the issues you've mentioned here and offer some ways of reframing how you think about someone's sexual history:
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/are_we_even
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advic ... f_his_past

[JC2014]

I guess I would say nice Securities were pretty much I guess balance and fairness which sounds kind of dumb I would say but it just doesn't seem fair but it sounds so dumb to say that when that's all in the past. I just don't understand sometimes. As I'm trying to find things that I could could help leave the past in the past I don't know I've tried to to look for for the future in the present I just seem to be hung up on the past I'm not sure. The heart of my insecurities about a past relationships on the fact of the relationship that just defective her being with them sexually only one out of those group of guys was actually in a relationship so she told me. the rest were just hookups/mistakes which is by all means okay because mistakes are mistakes right. I guess another big thing is because she lied to me about them, At first she told me it was only one which was the long relationship and another one to get back at that other guy, then to come find out she had multiple more after that. Another big thing that kind of like messed me up how come she couldn't be honest upfront with me. I feel like if she would have been upfront with me right there and then when I asked,we were right there I was ready I was ready to take whatever she had to give to me and she lied to me and made me feel better (early in our relationship) and the things that led up to that conversation was she was starting to get insecure with me she was thinking I would leave her for other girls which let me the thing was she having guilty conscience. It was a mess. So that's been a big factor since then and just along with other little things here and there that kind of led me to be more insecure. I've always thought there may have been a chance she may have messed around behind me. I guess another thing too is my pride I never wanted to be made to look like a fool, I don't want to be that guy that everybody new that never wanted or had a girlfriend or have had sexual experiences but everybody knew she had it experiences if that makes any sense.

[Sam W]

Got it. So, if you haven't already done so, I would read the two articles I linked to because they address several of the feelings and thought patterns you're dealing with right now.

While only your girlfriend can answer why she initially gave a different version of her sexual history, at a guess she may have been concerned about this kind of reaction. Plenty of women know about the stigma attached to women who have multiple past partners, and she may not have wanted to risk that stigma in the early stages of a relationship. She also may have sensed by things you said or did that you may not take the truth well (whether or not that judgement was true is moot at this point). But ultimately it's less helpful to focus on why she made that past choice and instead look at the choices she (and you) are making now.

Too, it sounds like there are some trust issues going on in this relationship, in that you mention your insecurity being tied to a fear that she would cheat on you. That kind of distrust can erode a relationship very easily, so it's worth interrogating where that distrust is coming from. Is it from her actions, or from your own worries? It also sounds like you're worried that other people may think less of you because you have less romantic and sexual experience that your girlfriend. While there may be some narrow-minded people who judge you for that, it's not something that many people focus on. Most of us know that people come into relationships with different types of experience, so it's not a surprise or a bad thing to learn that's the case for a particular couple. Does that make sense?

Do you think she would be open to attending couples counseling with you?

[JC2014]

yes on that first part is kind of what she told me in a way, and you are right I should shouldn't be worried about that I should be worrying about what we're doing now and I've been trying to do that and it's getting easier now, just not completely yet. As for as for me thinking that she may cheat was early in the relationship we never really got to see each other that often she try to hide me from her family. Which I never really understood but it happened. Also when we would text I wouldn't hear for from her for a good while cause she was running errands. But like it was quite often. And she was always like very I concealed with her texting that would say. Like lying in bed she would like kind of a little cover over the phone. And when I would ask about it she I would say it's my mom or somebody but why would you try to hide? Rented I've heard all the stuff I heard around this time so it just made me very very cautious, she would try to show me her messages but Ike anybody else they're going to think she deleted them that's what I thought. And then I would see her scrolling through people social media accounts like and like skimming through them a lot that would make me think she was looking at her EX's. Another time she had left her phone open and right there and what the message screen open it was a screenshot of her ex from her best friend of him and his new gf. But like why would she do that you know what I mean why would they keep talking about that. And sometimes I would hear talk of about her past partners from her family and stuff. So it All kind of clicked in my head. But I never really found anything or heard anything so I never so I figured it was just me overthinking which I tend to do a lot. But you know how it is nowadays you can ever really believe anyone but just trust their word for it. which is kind of tough I would say, but I got over that feeling for the most part

[Sam W]

Something to keep in mind is that it's pretty normal for people to keep in touch with their exes or receive updates on them from time to time. It doesn't mean they're cheating, and sometimes it even means they ended their past relationships on okay terms with their exes. Too, her exes were part of her life and her history, so it makes sense that her family would mention them, you know?

I would push back on the thought that you can't really believe anyone these days, because I'm not quite sure where that's coming from for you. These days are like all days before them: sometimes people lie and sometimes they tell the truth. This has nothing to do with how the wider world is and everything to do with how you feel about the relationship between you and her. And since it sounds like she hasn't done anything that indicates she's cheating, then the best choice is to believe her.

Really though, with all of these things around trust a sound next step for you to see a counselor. You've got a lot of unhelpful thought patterns that are influencing your relationship, and a counselor can help you with those. That process may entail seeing someone on your own as well as seeing someone as a couple. Do you have a sense of where to get started looking for that kind of help?

[JC2014]

Yes and true about trusting people it's just what I've been through that keeps me on my toes about trust. And yes I have chose to believe her on not cheating, it was that trust issue I've had that kept me thinking otherwise. I also understand on the part of keeping up on exes, makes sense, she ended it on a bad note with him so kinda made me feel the way I stated, also you are right about the history and why the family will talk about him. But yes we have talked and are looking into help, me alone and as couple. But I will tell you, it feels so much better finally talking to someone else about this

[Heather]

I bet! And I'm glad you have been able to: keeping all of this all locked up isn't good for anyone.

Do you need any help finding counseling for yourself or both of you locally?

[JC2014]

Yes I've found a place, and things seem to be better now just after 1 session, a few things still lingering around but a big help so far

[Sam W]

Awesome, glad to hear that working with the therapist is already showing signs of being helpful!

[JC2014]

Yes, I want to thank you for helping with understanding some of the problems I have, it felt good getting it all out, still have more to work on, with a little more sessions. But finally after yrs of holding these things in i can kinda be at ease. Thanks for listening and responding, it means and helps a lot.