Is it possible to get rid of a fetish?

[something123]

Hi, I'm new to this site so I'm not exactly sure if this is in the right place, but I have a question that's been bugging me for a while...

After doing some research, I'm convinced I have a fetish. Apparently it's a pretty common one, but it makes me feel like a disgusting person and like I'm weird/strange for seemingly finding it attractive. I think about it a lot and it's really upsetting me because I feel disgusting and I really don't want to have it. I don't feel like mentioning it, but I've been having these feelings since I was very young, and I have only recently discovered what it is. I thought it was completely normal but obviously it isn't, and I've had enough. I don't want to find this certain thing attractive anymore because I personally find it undesirable and I'm sure many other people do too.

I just know that I don't want to accept this thing as part of who I am, and I really want to get rid of it. Could anyone please help me out?

[Heather]

It's really difficult to talk about something when we don't know what it is we're talking about. But since it's obvious you feel very self-conscious about this, I'll do the best I can for now speaking in generalities.

Fetishes -- the sexual attraction to, desire for, or arousal because of inanimate objects -- are generally understood to form in very early childhood, a lot like sexual orientation. And a lot like sexual orientation, they're not really something someone can willingly change.

However, much like with orientation, you get to choose what you do with those feelings, and one choice you can make is to do nothing with them. Thoughts and feelings don't actually do anything, they just are. While I can hear that you have judgments about these thoughts and feelings, I'd encourage you to see if you can't try and dial that down, like by perhaps correcting yourself when you have these thoughts and label them disgusting: you might try just saying to yourself something like, "They're not disgusting, they're just thoughts. Thoughts aren't really anything all by themselves but just moments that come and go."

[something123]

It's really difficult to talk about something when we don't know what it is we're talking about. But since it's obvious you feel very self-conscious about this, I'll do the best I can for now speaking in generalities.

Fetishes -- the sexual attraction to, desire for, or arousal because of inanimate objects -- are generally understood to form in very early childhood, a lot like sexual orientation. And a lot like sexual orientation, they're not really something someone can willingly change.

However, much like with orientation, you get to choose what you do with those feelings, and one choice you can make is to do nothing with them. Thoughts and feelings don't actually do anything, they just are. While I can hear that you have judgments about these thoughts and feelings, I'd encourage you to see if you can't try and dial that down, like by perhaps correcting yourself when you have these thoughts and label them disgusting: you might try just saying to yourself something like, "They're not disgusting, they're just thoughts. Thoughts aren't really anything all by themselves but just moments that come and go."

I really appreciate the reply, thank you.

But something that also confuses me is that this certain thing is only found on women. It's not that I find the idea of being gay disgusting, I would willingly accept that if that were the case, it's just that I don't find women as a whole attractive, and I only find them attractive if they have this certain thing, if that makes any sense?

But I am really finding it hard to accept how I feel. The thought of not being able to get rid of these feelings honestly scares me and I really don't want to have them. I'm worried that partners in the future will find this strange and I can't see myself accepting it. I've always thought of it as a weird thing, but only recently has it made me really upset.

So I'm not sure whether you'd call it a fetish or a kink, but whatever it is, I really don't want it anymore. I heard therapy could help you get rid of things like this but I'm not sure whether it works or not :/

[Heather]

Again, it's really hard for me to talk much about something when I don't know what it is. But since women don't come with objects that are part of them, it's even harder for me to discuss this as a discussion of fetishism, because it seems unlikely that's what is going on here anyway. (Women also don't all come with the same body parts, so this might not even be about women.)

Therapy can't change people's sexualities, and it is actually deeply unethical for any therapist to try and do that anyway. Any therapist who would claim they can or would do that would be a therapist you should steer clear of.

[something123]

Ah, so it's not a fetish? The thing I'm struggling with is a certain body part...So I don't know what attraction to that would be called.

Okay. I thought that was the case.

[Heather]

Nope. Body parts, unless not attached to people, aren't objects. They're part of people. Attraction to parts is just attraction to parts of people, just like say, being attracted to a good sense of humor is an attraction to a part of (some) people. How do you feel about this when that's what the framework is for this instead of fetishism (which doesn't need to be creepy, but fetishes are pathologized and culturally treated like creepy, so often people feel creepy about them)?

There's not a specific word or term for that. This is just you "finding <whatever body part this is> attractive," or "being turned on by <whatever body part this is>." If this is a part you more often see on women's bodies, maybe what this just is is a way you're attracted to women's bodies, or just plain women, too, which is certainly possible.

[something123]

Oh right okay. I feel much better about it now, thanks.

Hmm...Okay. I'm perfectly fine with the idea of finding women attractive. It's just that after seeing so many things on the internet about finding certain things attractive, I guess it just kind of made me feel bad about the way I felt and that it was uncommon and strange.

I know my wording may have been vague and frustrating, but I'm just a really self-conscious and awkward person. I'm happy that I've finally found more of a solid answer to how I'm feeling; thanks for putting up with me, haha

[Heather]

I understand that you just didn't feel comfortable: it's okay.

If you do want to talk more about this, we can. There's certainly conversation to be had about sexualizing women and their body parts, but also the difference between doing that and simply finding women's (or anyone's) bodies or their parts attractive or arousing, and how to do the latter without doing the former. I imagine that might have been some of what you ran into that had you feeling crummy about it, but so often those online pieces or conversations lack a lot of nuance (and a sex educator in the mix).

[something123]

I don't like to think that I am sexualizing anyone's body parts...I think I just find some certain ones more attractive than others. How can I appreciated someone's body without sexualizing it?

[Heather]

Personally, I think so long as you're just recognizing those parts aren't objects, but part of a whole person, a whole person who -- in your actions -- needs to be treated like a person, not a collection of parts, you're likely golden.

And based on your concerns voiced in this thread, I'm willing to bet you're already doing that just fine.