I only want to give... not receive

[aeb0310]

So here’s the thing... when my partner and I have sex, I’m totally down with going down on her and anything she wants, I like it that way and it’s pleasurable to me. The problem is, I really don’t want her doing anything sexually related to me. I’m naturally very dominant and have good self esteem so it’s not that’s I’m scared it’ll break my level of dominance or whatnot, I just don’t want her to. Like I dont even take off anything but my shirt when we have sex cause that’s all I’m comfortable with and she’s asked if I’d take off anything else but I kinda just avoid the question cause I can’t quite figure out why I’m uncomfortable with it. Yeah, I’m a little self conscious with anything below my waist (I mean not really my legs), but I can’t help but feel like that’s not all the reason I don’t want it. She’s asked if she can top next time and I just said stuff to avoid the question and pretty much said no and she’s asked why but I can’t really come up with anything. Should I just say something along the lines of, “I’m just not comfortable with it.” ? Is there something wrong with me cause I don’t want to receive sex? Or is it just simply I don’t enjoy it? Like i said, I enjoy giving it, not receiving it. She’s mentioned to me (somewhat playfully) that it’s not fair, and now I feel bad about it. What should I do???

[Sam W]

Hi aeb0310,

Nope, there's nothing wrong with you for being comfortable with certain sexual things and not with others. Everybody has some sexual preferences and boundaries, and the reasons for those boundaries can be varied. Too, it may help to rethink what it means to have reciprocity around sexual stuff: Reciprocity, Reloaded .

It does sound like it's time for you and your partner to have a talk about what expectations and boundaries you each have about sex. Right now it sounds like she has some expectations that aren't matching with what you're comfortable with. And that's okay, most people won't align perfectly with their partner when it comes to desire. But there are also times when there is enough of a mismatch that a sexual relationship isn't going to be sustainable. If you need help having that conversation, this tool can be really useful: Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist

Can you give me a sense of what you mean by receiving in this context?

[aeb0310]

Thank you for this

[aeb0310]

And on the note of what I meant by receiving, I mean anything sexually related being performed on me (i.e oral, giving hickeys, etc.)

[Sam W]

Ah, got it. And you're welcome! If you need any help figuring out how to have those conversations with your partner, that's something we can brainstorm here if it would be helpful to you