Friendless, single, lonely

[TheNiteHawk]

I don't know where to begin, so here goes: about halfway through January, I broke up with my girlfriend of six months. I was having doubts about being serious with the first person that I actually got serious with (that was the longest relationship for both of us, and the first real "I love you", for me at least). She was also the first person I had sex (intercourse) with, and I was curious what it would be like to have sex with another person (not that I would have ever cheated on her). One of the main reasons was that we were in different places in life. I'm graduating in the Fall and I have no idea where that will take me, and she wants to go to a two-year school, but had no idea for what (although I guess she does now). When she wants to enroll (next Fall), I would have already or been close to graduation.

Also, we had a few other problems in our relationship (namely, she wanted kids and I 110% didn't, our sex life good but not as much as I would have liked) that made me decide to end it. She messaged me a few weeks later and said she wanted to try again, that she changed her mind and didn't want kids just for me, that she wanted to work on our sex life, and that she would go across the world with me. I told her no, and that I didn't think it was a good idea to get back together. She said she'd probably try again, but that was a month ago, and I've heard nothing from her.

In the meantime, I met up with a friend of mine that we were on-and-off friends and sexting partners while I was in college. We ended up in bed, and then friends with benefits. She stayed over at my place once, but then decided she no longer wanted to be FWB, which I was bummed about, but perfectly okay with (it's her choice, too). She said we could still be friends, but we talked less and less, and she never wanted me to come visit again. She only gave the reason being the distance, even though I was the one doing all the driving, which I don't mind. When I asked her if that was the only reason, she said "Sure." We don't talk much anymore now.

So, I decided to go back on Tinder/OKCupid/Bumble. I talked to a few girls on there, but out of the three that I actually matched with, one never replied, the other we chatted some and never replied, and the last one is no longer much for conversation, either. After hundreds of right swipes on Tinder, a fair amount of likes and first messages from me on OKCupid, and some more swipes on Bumble, I've gotten no further then that. Which is frustrating.

Basically, I'm alone. I have no friends, there's no one from class that would really be a good friendship for me, the vast majority of my friends never text me unless I do so first, and everyone that I was friends with before I moved out of my parents house also moved away for schooling of various sorts. I tried to visit the bar a few times, and once a group of people was friendly to me, but I haven't been back since (because I don't know how to really interact with people there, I just stand around with a beer until it's empty and I go home).

I miss my friend (the one that we were FWB), we got along so well. I miss my ex-girlfriend, if only for the fact she was someone to do things with (and the sex, I'll be honest). I've though about getting back in touch with her, but I don't really want a serious relationship because of where I'm at in life right now with my schooling, and I don't know where I'll be heading after that. And I think she'd probably want to be serious again. So I just can't say that I feel it's a good idea to try to contact her. I'm conflicted.

Sometimes I just feel so isolated and lonely, and it gets bad sometimes when I'm at Work alone just with my thoughts, or in class passing time. On top of that, I'm really horny recently (except for when I feel upset), and every week I look forward to Saturday nite because that's when I get drunk (alone in my apartment (although only a few drinks, I don't go overboard)). And that's my life right now, and I don't know what to do. I would like to say that currently I'm not really depressed, and I am not a danger to myself or others, I'm just lonely.

[Mo]

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so lonely! Something that a lot of people notice as they become adults it can be harder to find and cultivate friendships than it was earlier in life, when you tend to spend a lot of time with the same people in school or living situations. As older friends drift apart or move away, it can be tough to keep in touch or make new connections. It's possible, but it might take more active effort. If you feel like there are a couple friends you've lost touch with a bit and would like to reconnect with, you could try reaching out or planning to meet up at some point. Trying to do this with everyone might be too much, but is there anyone in particular you feel like you miss more than the others? Also, is there a specific reason you feel like none of your classmates are people you'd like to be friends with?

In terms of dating, it often does take a LOT of work and initial conversations on dating apps/services to find someone you really click with. I have friends who've found good partners after dozens of dates, or more. It can absolutely be discouraging, so if you feel like it's more stressful than you want to deal with you can always take a break and come back to it if you feel up to it later.

Shared-interest groups can be a helpful way to make friends (and sometimes, to find dating partners). Does the bar you go to have trivia nights? Are there volunteer opportunities, interest groups, etc. in your area that interest you? A site like meetup could be a helpful way to find events you might like to go to. Just showing up isn't a guarantee you'll make friends instantly, but those situations can be helpful because you know you already have some level of shared interest with other people there, and it can be a jumping-off point for conversations. I know it is much easier for me to say "just find some events and meet people!!" than it is to actually do those things, but often times that is the most reliable way to make connections.

Also, even if you aren't up for joining groups right now, it sounds like it would be good to find something that you can enjoy and look forward to in your life right now. Pick up some new books, do some exercise that makes you feel good, try some new art or hobby even if it's just for yourself and you never show anyone else, watch a tv show that makes you laugh...I don't know where your interests lie, but it sounds like you don't feel excited about much in your life right now and I think adding something that's positive, even if it is just for you and not related to making new connections, will be helpful.

[TheNiteHawk]

Thanks for the reply, Mo. I definitely agree that making friends is a lot harder when you get older. A lot of the people in my class are a different kind of people than I am, and we don't exactly share interests. I get along with a few of them, but I can't say it's enough to make a friendship with outside of class, at least I haven't felt that way.

I miss mostly my friends from college, and the friend that I mentioned that we were FWB. I talk to my friends from college occasionally, and I went up to visit them last month, which was nice. I'd like to connect more with the girl I was recently FWB with. Even without the benefits, we were close friends, we shared similar interests, and got along well. I wish I knew why she's been drifting away from me, and why she no longer wants me to visit. I don't want to bother her about it (I told her I'd stop asking to hang out every week when I asked about her not wanting me to visit), though. But she is the closest friend that I can visit, which also factors in.

You're right about the dating apps, too. I was lucky enough to find my previous girlfriend on Tinder after only a few matches. I realized that wasn't going to be the norm, but it's hard to even attempt to meet people when you can't get a match or a reply. Maybe I'll think about taking a break from it.

The bar I go to has karaoke nite every week, which is surprisingly popular. Only problem is, its on a weeknite, and I have to wake up for class the next morning. I went once, but that was over a break between semesters, so I didn't have class then next day. I'd go again, I suppose I could just leave early.

One thing I was thinking about was visiting nursing homes. That might sound silly, but the idea stuck out to me for some reason. I'd have to look around to find some, and see if they just let in random people with no relation to any of the residents. I'll have to look into interest groups and MeetUp, and see what's around. I might have to expand my search radius, though, the city I live in is about 45 minutes away from the nearest major city, and they've got a lot more going on there than here. That's also where that friend I mentioned wanting to connect with more again lives, and I don't mind the trip.

And that's true, my motivation has definitely taken a hit. I have noticed that. I did order a few things online today, so that gives me something to look forward to. I wish I could get out more, too. I used to do a lot with my ex, and I enjoyed the trip to and from her place a few times a week, as I love driving. I have a couple of things planned that I want to do, but I have to wait until the weather improves. I'll have to think about things I'd like to do, and try to do those more often.

[moonlight]

Hey TheNiteHawk,

Visiting nursing homes is a wonderful idea, from personal experience, I found it incredibly rewarding and I found it helpful when I was feeling isolated. If you'd like like some help figuring a strategy out for approaching retirement/nursing homes, let me know.

When you say that a lot of the people in your classes are a different kind of people than you are, do you mind expanding on what you mean? Certainly there are some people that we just don't want to be friends with, and that's okay. But you do have at least one thing in common with these people: you're in the same class. Have you ever considered making a study group?

As for your friend, since she has made it clear that she no longer wants you to visit, there isn't anything that would also be respectful that you can do about that. But it's still okay if that sucks, or it hurts, or however it makes you feel. Friendships/relationships ending can be a major bummer, we get to have whatever feelings we are going to have about that.

The best advice that I ever got about motivation is that doing feeds motivation: the more you do, the more motivated you're going to feel, no matter what it is that you're doing. Cleaning out the sock drawer? Alphabetizing your kitchen cupboards? Going to the mailbox? Walking the dog? Literally anything else that involved doing? They can all feed motivation.

[TheNiteHawk]

Hello moonlight, and thank you for the reply. I'm not sure what my strategy is for visiting nursing homes, other than calling and seeing if they let people with no relations visit.

A lot of the people in my class are the sort of 'country-type' (even though they go to school in a city, and I wouldn't call this a 'country area'). Cowboy boots, chewing tobacco, etc. I grew up outside of a small city, so I'm no city guy, but I'm definitely not as country as they are (or act, as it were). They do like to drink on the weekends, but I don't think they're all over 21, and I'd rather not get involved with that. Not to mention it sounds like they party a bit too hardy for me. And although a study group is a good idea, I'd probably be laughed out of the classroom for suggesting it. It's not a study group kind of education (trade school).

It's really unfortunate about my friend. I wish I knew what changed between us, and why she feels that way about me now. It started going downhill after the first and only time she spent the nite, and that was the last time I saw her. I know she had a good time, so I don't know what happened. That's honestly what I'm working through. We've talked on and off for the past couple of years (this would be the third time we started talking again), and every time we've stopped talking before (although we're still talking now, just not very much) we've at least had a reason. And every time, I miss her. And I still miss her.

I did laundry today, so that's a start. I'm motivated to do what needs to be done around my apartment (cleaning, laundry, taking out the garbage), but I often don't have the desire to do any cooking. Sometimes I'll just make a sandwich and call that my meal.

[moonlight]

Glad to hear you're getting started on doing things that need doing,

In terms of the nursing home, the only thing I would suggest adding to what you're going to say is the word "volunteer", since it is one of those key words that can often get people really excited. If, of course, you're looking to volunteer.

Do you have any questions about anything that I or Mo have said, or anything else you'd like to continue addressing?