He denied my right to choose

[Begonias]

Hi, I am a virgin, 23, and have never had a cold sore or any other form of STD. I'd had very minimal sexual experience before I started seeing my boyfriend and was fairly safe with previous partners except for one instance which I immediately got testing and counseling done for. I've been with my boyfriend for 7 months and about a month into the relationship before we had done anything sexual other than kiss I asked him about STIs and cold sores. He told me he had never had an issue. Last night he informed me that he lied to me and has had HSV-1 since he was a child, likely contracted it from his mom. He has performed oral sex on me without barriers. I am pissed. HAD I KNOWN I would have not consented to oral sex or used a barrier. He took that option away from me. The option to protect myself and limit my risk of contacted HSV-2, which could affect me for the rest of my life. I'm not ignorant about oral/genital herpes I know herpes is just an uncomfortable skin condition and my health isn't at risk, but emotionally, I never wanted to deal with this. He wasn't given the option from his mom to avoid contraction, and was upset about it but he did the same to me. I know I could be asymptomatic and that maybe I'd contracted the virus even before him. But the fact that he lied about it and chose not to tell me until seven months into the relationship. I'm struggling with how to handle this. This could affect my future relationships forever and that's something I never wanted to deal with as someone who struggles with anxiety and bad habits of over expectation. Advice on how to handle?
Thank you

[Sam W]

Hi Begonias,

I'm sorry that he kept this piece of information from you and that it lead to you and him doing sexual stuff that you would not have agreed to otherwise, and it makes sense that you're feeling some rough emotions right now. Even when you understand that the stigma around herpes is bogus, it can still feel crappy to realize that your partner wasn't honest about their STI status.

As for how to handle this, that depends a lot on what elements or outcomes of this situation are most important to you. For example, is his decision to omit this information until now enough to make you reconsider the relationship? Are you more concerned about how to handle the feelings brought about by the exposure? Something else entirely?

[Begonias]

I'm concerned that he lied to me and didn't disclose this when I asked him about it and I'm unsure of how to handle the feeling of exposure. It's hard enough being a virgin at this age, I can't imagine how hard of a time it would be if I did end up having symptomatic hsv-1 or hsv-2. I'm concerned on how I can trust him again.

[Sam W]

Would it be helpful to you to read work by people who talk about how to manage their sex lives while having hsv? I can think of a few authors who talk about how, although having herpes requires certain steps when interacting with a partner, it doesn't mean that your sex life will become super difficult. Those articles also often cover how to manage many of the feelings that come up when you find out you've been exposed.

With your partner, what do you think it would take for you to trust him again? Or, for you, does the fact that he didn't disclose until after you'd done something with a risk feel like a dealbreaker?

[Begonias]

I'd be interested in some articles yes

[Sam W]

Okay! The first person I recommend reading is Ella Dawson, as her writing about having herpes is great: https://elladawson.com/herpes/ . Lachrista Greco also has some excellent writing on her experiences of being diagnosed with herpes and dealing with all the emotions that generated: https://greatist.com/live/herpes-what-i ... okes-about

There's also an advice column here on the site that you might find really helpful right now: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advic ... tal_herpes