Right or Wrong

[Masaka]

The man i meet is wonderful and he got a web cam. Then he asked for sexual pleasures me getting naked and touching myself but him.... Fully clothed sitting there and watching. I deny it and said after this movie but i didnt want to i dont get pleasure from doing myself. So he just signs and gives me the silent treatment and i stop talking turned over and went to bed cause i feel like hes acting like a child. Is it wrong for a man to ask for sex thru skype? Or am i too stricted?

[Alice O]

Hi Masaka,

Are you referring to the same boyfriend that you posted about a few weeks ago? I am assuming so, but I just want to clarify.

If so, this behavior fits in with the larger pattern you described in your other thread. You are setting a boundary with him. You do not want to get naked or masturbate on camera for him. And he is not respecting that boundary. It sounds like he often doesn't listen to the boundaries you set and pressures you. He also sounds very controlling, not wanting you to speak up for yourself or say no. And worrying that all your facebook notifications are from other men. This relationship is unhealthy and toxic.

A few weeks ago you said you felt ready to end the relationship with him. How are you feeling now?

Also you mentioned that there was someone new that you were interested in. What is the status of that? A reminder that it is often a good choice to take a break from dating after ending a relationship before beginning a new one. You can use that time and space to focus on yourself, taking care of yourself and showing yourself love. You can also use that break to focus on your friendships and/or family relationships.

I know these articles were linked in your last thread, but I am re-linking them here in case you didn't get a chance to check them out:
Blinders Off: Getting a Good Look at Abuse and Assault
Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking

[Masaka]

The guy and i are just friends. The guy i left calls me with private numbers and leaving me so many voicemails like i found a pretty hirl on twich im talk to her since your not available i thought you were a good one but i see your not ... Just kidding. I told him to stop or im reporting him but that barely stop him. Claiming that hes sorry and changed bought a came but if im get naked he should too but he acts like he didnt hear it goes silent and i said nope no sex im done and now he pissed off lol . i laugh cause he reminds me of a child at walmart that didnt get the latest call of duty. He so persistent i cant change my number cause i have a huge job interview im looking out for.He says he loves me but i thinks he has something against me. Idk.

[Alice O]

Hey Masaka,

I totally agree that he sounds like a child! I am so happy to hear that you have ended your relationship with him. I know that can be really hard, especially when we've been with someone for awhile, so big props to you! Do you feel proud of yourself?

I am not particularly surprised that he has continued to harass you. Given that he did not listen to your boundaries when you were in a relationship with him, I am not surprised he is not listening to your boundaries now that you are not together. That being said, I'm really sorry to hear that he is continuing to harass you Absolutely nobody deserves that. And it sounds really exhausting! Before I get into steps for keeping him out of your life, I wanna make sure you are taking good care of yourself! You have an ex calling you from unknown numbers and saying really mean things to you, plus a big job interview coming up. Are your friends supporting you? And do you have any self-care activities that you like? Here's a list if you are needing some inspiration: Self-Care a La Carte.

In terms of keeping this person *out of your life* (where he has no place!), have you blocked him on facebook, instagram, snapchat, any other platform that he could contact you? In terms of the interview, could you ask the job what number they will be calling from? Then you could save it and stop picking up unknown numbers. You could explain if you need to that you've been getting many calls from unknown numbers recently and want to make sure you don't miss theirs, without mentioning about your ex. Let me know if that sounds doable? Or any other ideas you have for keeping your exes calls from reaching you?

Most importantly, I want you to be taking care of yourself, surrounding yourself with support, reminding yourself that you are awesome and that this person who is saying he "loves" you is clearly showing that he doesn't, but they are many people out there who WILL love you and WILL show it!

[Masaka]

My friends show great amout of support same for my mom and the guy that i like shows support and talking to him reminds me that not all men are just trying to get in your pants to get a i love you award. I have learned this thing called No Jade. I bought some sage to get rid of negative energy he has on me. Ive been thinking about going to a sauna and getting a full body wax friday lol and come home and meditate. About the number im see about it on april2 is when i go in for the big orientation but no contact on social medias thats why he uses google to call me and leaving voice mails saying even his friends think the same way i do..... Well i told me oh well figure it out. Im thinking about a spa day for myself so i will be okay. I thank you for the help and im sorry if i came back into the same situation but this really helps me get my mind straight. i know whats right and wrong, but i didnt want to fall under his control and its scary that he thought it was okay and said things like we havent done booty in months and when i ask for you say no and thats pretty fcked up. He said that i just backed away from it all it says it all right there that no wasnt a option or be punished. I got so mad i called him a narcissist. Anyways. I made plans spa take my mind away and again sorry and thank you.

[Sam W]

I'm so glad to hear that you have supportive people in your life! And a spa day sounds like an excellent way to take care of yourself and relax for a bit. There's no need to apologize to us, the fact that people may stay in a relationship even after they've spotted red flags is something we're well aware of and don't think less of people for. Relationships, even ones where you know you ought to leave, can be tricky to get out of (all the more reason to be super-proud of yourself for leaving your ex and taking care of yourself).

If he's still using google to call you, do you have a way to either block his calls or just delete any messages he leaves without listening to them?