Asexual

[B.T.]

I have absolutely zero sex drive. When I do have sex, I never orgasm. My nipples are never hard, and it makes me really self conscious. I really wish I experienced the desire and pleasure my friends talk about experiencing. I don't know what else to do, and it is really starting to effect my relationships because I want to have sex and I want to pleasure my boyfriend but I can't get myself to want to have sex or enjoy it.

[Heather]

I'm sorry you're feeling so frustrated.

So, to get started, when people identify as asexual, they usually mean they do not WANT to be sexual with other people. I see that you chose this as a title, and also hear you saying here that you both do want to have sex and do not feel that want.

Can you clear that up for me first? Do you want to be sexual with others, or is it more that you want to want to because of things like that your boyfriend wants sex with/from you, but it's not something you actually want yourself?

You wanting to be sexual and having these experiences and you NOT wanting to be sexual, but having sex anyway are pretty different things that'd get us into pretty different discussions.

[B.T.]

I want to be sexual and want to have these experiences and feel those things. I guess I was unclear of the definition of Asexual, sorry about that!

[Siân]

Hey B.T.

I've been there, I get how frustrating it can be when you want to want something but your body is just not playing ball. What I will say though, is that going ahead anyway is not generally the way to have a good time. You say you want to have sex to pleasure your boyfriend, but what about your own pleasure? No matter what kind of relationship we have, we never owe anyone else sex.

So, let's step back a second and think about what you like, what you are into. For example, you can think about if you enjoy masturbation, or are there any kinds of sexual activity that you feel like you might be interested in? You talk about your physical response (e.g. not-hard nipples) but most of desire and pleasure actually happens in the brain. This is a great article on the topic: With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body.

It sounds like it might be a good time to talk to your boyfriend about the sex you've been having, and maybe take some activities off the table for a while - doing things that don't turn us on is a pretty surefire way to start feeling crappy about it. If you want some help starting that conversation, why not read this Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner and we can talk you through your ideas? And I love this article about why slowing down can sometimes be the biggest turn-on Yield for Pleasure. What do you think?