No pleasure from sex or masturbation

[confused98]

hey, so I tried a lot of things, read up on the internet and whatnot but I still feel pretty lost as to why im not feeling any pleasure....
so ill explain it properly, my sexual experiences started about 2 years ago, when I grinded up on my boyfriend. this felt good, and I think I even had a small orgasm from this 2-3 times on separate occasions. Little did I know, they'd be the last ones I felt since then for 2 years. In fact, then even kissing on the neck and touching used to produce pleasurable sensations. Moreover, I wasn't even That close to my boyfriend then. I liked and trusted him but not much else yet. After sometime, however, grinding, and any other touching stopped producing any effect for no apparent reason. Even oral sex didn't help. A few times it felt good ish but just in bits and pieces, and after a bit even that stopped producing any sensation.

After a year with him, we broke up.I now have a different partner who I love and trust. I find him attractive, feel secure with him, and he's always very supportive. I had sex for the first time with him a month ago. Again, it felt good a few times, and still does mostly, but just feels good because Im enjoying the feeling of fullness and intimacy with him. As for pleasurable sensations, they're close to nothing, no matter what we try. And its not that I dont want to, I feel that I have a very high sex drive.

Ive also tried to get to know myself and touch myself in private, however this too yields no effect. Whenever my clitoris is touched it feels ultra sensitive. Its difficult to even touch it. even if I indirectly rub , or try different motions or tracing the outside, its all the same, just feeling sensitive. My body does tend to produce some (not much, or enough to be comfortable) natural lubricant during sex so we use a lube. That helps make it comfortable but again I dont feel much. Even if I do, its just for a minute before it stops.

Im really lost as to what to do, whether I should laugh or cry at this body of mine which seems to develop immunity to any pleasure I feel after two or three times. I can tell my boyfriend feels a bit frustrated too, not being able to make me feel the way he wants me to, and I also feel frustrated for not being able to access the pleasure I should be capable of.
Please help.

[Sam W]

Hi confused,

It can definitely feel frustrating when you feel like your body isn't responding to things the way you want it to. There are a few different things that could be influencing how your body is responding to your attempts at being sexual. For starters, are you mentally aroused as well as physically aroused when you try masturbating or having sex? The brain is the biggest sexual organ, and even if you feel happy or secure with you partner, you usually need to also be aroused in the moment in order for sex to be pleasurable. Too, if you're noticing that touching your clitoris isn't pleasurable for you, have you tried other types of masturbation (including possibly introducing a sex toy into the mix)? And can you give me a sense of how much time you and your boyfriend have spent experimenting with sexual things that don't focus on the genitals?

It can also help to look at what's going on in other parts of your life to see if there are things that could be influencing your sex life (both with yourself and with others). For example, are you dealing with lots of stress of pressure in your daily life?

[confused98]

I think that I am mentally aroused as well before these encounters begin, but that falls off soon after we start and I get no reaction from myself :/.I dont think I was before masturbating though. Cant really drum up much excitement honestly about touching myself even if I fantasise.
We haven't really experimented with non- genital focussed sexual activities to be honest. Though there is foreplay definitely, kissing and touching, but thats it. and I dont understand what other types of masturbation I could really try, or how a sex toy would help considering its difficult for me to even get aroused on my own. Ive tried many times, to get myself in the mood but even if it starts right, I dont get any results.
Whats a different way to masturbate then? And do you really think a sex toy would help, and if so, what do you suggest?
As for stress, im a pretty easy going person and dont take too much stress over matters. My lifestyle is also not one that tires me out much, or at all actually.

[Sam W]

So, if you're not feeling mentally aroused when you masturbate, then it's unlikely to feel super pleasurable. Some people wait until they're in the mood to masturbate, while other people use things like porn or erotica to help them get aroused so that masturbation is enjoyable. There are lots of different ways people masturbate, and it usually takes some experimentation to find what works for you. You can find a bunch of different masturbation techniques here: How Do You Masturbate? . I often suggest sex toys when people are finding that masturbation and partnered sex aren't doing much for them because those toys can introduce new sensations into the mix that may increase pleasure. Toys can also do things that human body parts may not be able to (vibrate, reach certain angles) that help increase the pleasurable sensations that come from sex or masturbation. Does that make sense?

[confused98]

Right, but if mental arousal can be defined as wanting to engage in sexual activity at the moment, then that I am. In fact, when my boyfriend went away for a while, we did have certain conversations that made me flare up and feel aroused, but I dont know why it just didn't work out when he came back.
I looked at the page on masturbation, and I haven't tried much except using my fingers so ill try the rocking too. as for toys, should I try a vibrator or something?
I suppose ill start with that, though I dont know what to do about my partner situation

[Sam W]

Glad to hear you found something to try on the masturbation page! With toys, what you choose depends on what sounds exciting or interesting to you. People often find they're most comfortable starting with something fairly small, like a bullet vibrator, to see how it feels to them before moving on to something larger.

When you say you don't know what to do about your partner situation, would you feel comfortable introducing some of the things you're trying with masturbation, such as toys, into interactions with your partner?