Sorry if I've Said This Already...

[J.D.]

So I don't know why, but like I don't really have the ability to sex except through a scientific lens.

I used to not able to when I was younger, but for about a few years I just haven't been able to. Maybe it's cause it's less taboo and I understand it now, but I just can't.

For example, I was online shopping with a friend of mine, and she started looking at swimsuits and underwear. I didn't really feel anything. I just was like helping her out like "oh that color's cute" or "dude if you hit a wave, they're popping out, it's way too small you're gonna be suffocated haha" or "that one looks uncomfortable, why's her butt hanging out?" She eventually had to explain that it was more for looking hot than function, which it took me like WAY too long to understand.

Additionally, I went on another date, didn't feel anything. Whenever anyone's flirting with me I either don't feel anything or don't realize it. For example: I've been asked out 3 times cause I didn't realize I was being hit on, but I've never asked anyone out. I've never really been able to have a crush in a while (like maybe a year or two), and even then it wasn't for very long at a time. They were also fairly rare.

I also never have been sexually attracted to anyone ever, because I didn't really understand the concept fully until now. I dunno, I just thought people were exaggerating or making jokes. Also, I don't really get crushes anymore and I don't know why. I mean people are nice but I can't really find myself getting past the stage of "oh she looks nice and I bet she'd be a good friend." My friends were really confused and one was asking me "why I couldn't just stop looking through a scientific lens" and I didn't know how to respond after that or when she said "if you tried it maybe you'd like it" either. I'm on some antidepressants but I know it's not that cause ive felt like this since before I was on them, and that was just cause I couldn't produce folic acid or something.

I dunno. Is this like a physical problem with me? I'm either done with or towards the end of puberty, but I dunno. I just don't really like the idea of intimacy.

This week, I had to stand with this girl I used to "date" for a few weeks earlier this year (few months ago) really close to her for a photo shoot. It looked like we were about to kiss, and I've never been so uncomfortable. My other friend says maybe I haven't hit "mental puberty" or just don't produce testosterone. But if I didn't make any then I wouldn't be growing or have to shave, right? Idk. Is this a medical thing, or am I just late in feeling about people in that way, or am I just nothing in terms of sexuality? I know I've posted about being ace but for some reason the realization that I'm different just hit me today pretty hard. I've never 'played with myself', watched porn, wanted to have sex with anyone ever, and I don't know what my deal is. Can y'all help me?

[Heather]

(I had to go in your post and add some paragraph breaks, just so I could read it, if you're wondering why it looks different.)

It is highly unlikely any of this is about hormones or any of the other crackpot things (there isn't such a thing as "mental puberty" for instance) it sounds like your friends are suggesting. It also sounds like you and they both seem to think something is broken with you, and I disagree that that's a sound assumption to make.

Let's start here: if you are asexual, you are not broken, you are asexual. That's not about someone being broken. That's just about someone having that kind of sexual orientation or sexuality, just like someone who is bisexual or someone who is kinky isn't broken.

In the event you're not asexual, a whole bunch of things could be going on. You haven't met anyone you feel attracted to yet, for instance, or who hits on you in a way that's landing with you TO pick up on. Having just a few dates, and being in one community isn't a wide net when it comes to all of this: it's totally common for someone in that spot to not yet feel desire or attraction.

You also may just not be at the point in your life development where your sexuality is really showing up. For some people, that isn't something that really starts to happen for them until their late teens, their twenties, and for some, even beyond that. And if and when your sexuality doesn't mesh well with the kinds of sexualities that are most common and most accessible -- read: heterosexual, heteronormative, neurotypical, gendernormative, etc. -- it can be harder to kind of "find" yours and where to connect it in the world and with others, even just alone.

But here's my big thing with this post: it just sounds like something you don't actually want or have an interest in right now. So, why focus on it so much? Why assume something is wrong? Why not just accept you're not into it right now and focus on this things in your life you ARE interested in right now, and DO have a desire to be engaged in? Is it about friends not letting you just chill about this, or yourself, or both?

[J.D.]

First of all, I'm sorry about the paragraph breaks! I'll be better about that in the future!

"But here's my big thing with this post: it just sounds like something you don't actually want or have an interest in right now. So, why focus on it so much? Why assume something is wrong? Why not just accept you're not into it right now and focus on this things in your life you ARE interested in right now, and DO have a desire to be engaged in? Is it about friends not letting you just chill about this, or yourself, or both?"

I don't really know why I'm making such a big deal out of this, in all honesty. I just have a bunch of friends who are really interested in dating and sex, and I don't know if it was intentional or not, but we were talking about me and this topic and one of them was pretty diminishing and/or condescending of me not finding people attractive or getting crushes anymore (i.e. asking "do you have sex organs" and like "DUDE HAVE YOU HIT PUBERTY?"). It made me feel really weird and then I realized like how much of the world is sexualized. They came around & are a lot better about it now.

Also, there's this girl. I don't know why, but I just can't get into her. She's funny, nice, we have good conversations, but I just feel... nothing. Like physically or romantically. I'm just worried that if I can't like this sweet girl who's like popular, and funny, and nice, then what's up with that? I know I'm overreacting on that, and it's probably just not a good connection, but still. I'm just worried that in a culture largely defined by hookups and sex, I'm gonna be left behind.

THANKS! sorry this is really long..

[Heather]

Okay, so one thing you know, then, is that some of this is about needing your friends to change their behaviour. I'm glad to hear they have because I agree, that was a crummy way to respond and I'm not surprised it left you feeling the way that it did.

So, about this girl: sexual or romantic attraction -- any kind of attraction -- is really unique and there's an x-factor to it. In other words, we're not all attracted to all the people who are nice, who others like, who we enjoy talking to, and so on. Attraction is a tricky, often at least somewhat-mysterious little beastie, and it's about way more than someone being nice. You not being attracted to someone who's nice isn't evidence of anything but that attraction usually is about way more than that.

When you say you worry about being left behind, I think it might be helpful to think and talk a little more about that. What do you worry you'll miss out on that you actually want? What do you feel like is -- or may not be, but you feel like it is -- a limited opportunity for you?

I also don't think our world and its culture are largely defined by sex, and certainly not by hooking up, just for the record. I think the latter is actually a pretty small part of everything (and I'm of the age where when I came of age it was way more popular and accepted than it is now). I think sex is a bigger part, to be sure, but I also think the idea that so much of culture is about sex is just false. Maybe you feel like YOUR social culture right now is? If so, how do you think about looking into mixing that up a bit, like by seeing about perhaps expanding your social circle to include more people who doesn't center this so much and maybe center other things more that fit you and your interests a bit better?

[J.D.]

That's a good idea. TBH, my friends aren't sex-crazy (or even relationship crazy). There are a few that my friend called "flaming heterosexuals" as he's tried to get with 6(?) girls this school year alone, but for the most part it's not too bad, so I don't know how much if I need to distance myself from them. I may have made the situation sound worse than it is. Sorry.

What you were asking about me feeling left out is that I sort of have trouble differentiating romantic relationships from friendly ones. I don't mean that I think people hit on me when they don't but I just feel like nothing really changes whenever I have a girlfriend. I've only had one (maybe two idk) and they were both the ones to ask me out because I'm very oblivious and can't ever tell when someone's flirting with me or if I'm flirting with them. I want to get married and date different people before that, I'm just afraid I won't be able to feel attracted to anyone and just think of them as 'a nice girl who I can call a girlfriend' (which is how it's been in the past, in retrospect). I guess I'm just worried that if my lack of sexual attraction to people will severely limit my options and I won't ever feel romantically attracted to anyone. Does that make sense? I know it's quite strange.

[Heather]

I know it's not always easy to do, but you need to figure that however weird or unusual or uncommon we think we are in this arena? There are other people -- usually loads of them, even if there aren't loads in a given moment or present community -- like us AND also probably other people who are even more weird or unusual or uncommon.

(I also have never thought "weird" was a bad thing, as so much presented as normal seems to often really suck, so YMMV with accepting this this way.)

Probably you will start experiencing things differently with all this at some point in your life, including sexual or romantic attraction to or interest in others. But you know, even if you didn't, it's not like any of this would disqualify you for opportunities to have the kinds of things you want, like a marriage or dating different people. Again, don't forget there are people like you have described yourself as right now who are the same way, and some of them want and have those things. There are so many different ways to make a family and a life; so many different ways to have these kinds of relationships.

But honestly, if you don't actually want any of those things with anyone right now, I think, again, you're putting the cart before the horse here and unnecessarily stressing yourself out. You aren't feeling any of this right now, so why not leave it until you are? Are you feeling like there's something in all of this you DO want and ARE earnestly missing right now that you'd like to figure out how you might find being and feeling just as you are right now?

[J.D.]

Sorry for the late response! I don't really know what I want, in all honesty, I just feel like I'm sort of missing this part of myself that everyone else has. Like the part where you have to wanna be physical with people and watch porn and stuff. I don't really care about feeling like that or doing that, per se, as I'm happy with how I am. I'm just sort of confused, you know?

[Heather]

But *not* everyone else wants sex or porn or wants them at any particular time. As we speak, right now, I can guarantee you that there are probably millions of people who don't want either of those things right now, and plenty of people who don't want one or both at all.

Setting yourself apart from literally everyone else, no matter how you're doing it, is really never a great way to go. It will never be true, given how many people there are in the world and how diverse we all are, for one, but it also will pretty much always add to feelings of isolation, non-belonging and fear (not to mention some other yucko stuff, like exceptionalism). I promise you, you are not one way while the rest of us billions of people are another way.

[J.D.]

Oh thanks! That's such a great relief!