Myself and Others Convincing me not to Come Out

[River]

sure I'll do that, and I remembered something weird- my parents said to weigh the pros and cons of talking about it with my extended family, to not even bring it up with some people.

[River]

Yeah, and they said to weight the pros and cons of coming out to anyone in my extended family, that I would still be me but my extended family will use my dead name and pronouns.

[Siân]

Great! Let us know how that conversation goes

With your extended family, do you think there is a reason why your parents might have said that? For example, are they worried about how other members of your family would treat you if you came out to them?

For most people, coming out isn't a thing that happens just once. You've recently made a big, important step in sharing this with your immediate family and that's awesome. Usually though, there is this ongoing process of deciding who to tell, and how and when, based on a whole bunch of things - like whether you feel like having that conversation all over again just now, how safe you feel, the stage of life you're at and how dependant you are on their support and more.

Ultimately, it's up to you who to tell, but there is no harm in putting your extended family on the "maybe later" list rather than the "right now" one and start with the people you trust with this most.

[River]

Oh! Sorry, I've been really busy the past few weeks- gynecologist appointments and prescriptions (unrelated to this), joining sports, applying for student council, etc.

SO basically my mom said that her family is all white-Christian-cis-straight-conservative and stuck in their ways, and I'd tell them, I'd get defensive after they disagreed, then they'd get defensive, I'd get defensive, etc. etc. She said that she doesn't want to strain my relationship with them, and my dad said that I can be myself at home but I shouldn't get into arguments over it.

[Sam W]

Hi River, nice to see you again!

How are you feeling about the explanations your mom and dad gave you? For example, if you were to go somewhere with your extended family, do you feel like you'd be okay with being called the wrong name and pronouns for the time you were around them?

[River]

Well, I've recently been with my grandma and grandpa on Thursday and honestly, I wince every time someone calls me a 'she' and not just with my extended family- with everyone, even my immediate family! I just don't care enough to correct them- maybe I do?

The name is still something different, and I've referred to myself a few times with the new name, which led to a few friends calling me by it every once in a while, but I don't know how to announce it publicly without being weird about it.

My mom's been really trying to call me they/them recently, and seems very invested in the topic, whereas my dad is kind of 'whatever' about it and gets kind of weird. He's still very accepting- maybe mom's better because she has degrees in social sciences and childhood development?

[River]

And my mom thinks that transgender is only one end of the spectrum to the other, but I thought it meant just if you identify as anything other than what you were identified as when you were born. Can someone clear this up? What exactly is your idea of transgender?

[Heather]

Your sense of what trans can mean is a more modern one. Your Mom's is one that's more how people presented trans a decade and more ago, which isn't surprising if she's not trans herself, doesn't have trans friends or family besides you and hasn't otherwise kept up with the changes.

It might help to read -- and perhaps share with her, especially since she seems very open -- this: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/gende ... mer_school

I'm specifically thinking of this passage on that page:

Some people may find that the sex they were assigned at birth doesn’t mesh with their internal identity and experience of gender, unlike cisgender (or cis) people, who feel their assigned sex matches their gender. Some of them are highly binary transgender people, like Caitlyn Jenner, who was assigned male at birth but later transitioned to affirm her actual identity as a woman. And despite what you might have heard about feelings of being “trapped in the wrong body” or “always knowing,” everyone, including binary trans people, actually comes to an understanding about their gender in a huge variety of ways.

Some transgender people don’t see themselves as men or women, though they may pursue hormones, surgery, and other transition options to help them feel more comfortable in their own skin. They may identify as nonbinary, genderqueer, agender, androgyne, genderfluid, genderfuck, or a huge array of other things — and that’s just within Western frameworks of thinking about gender. In India, hijra are assigned male at birth, but live as women, like muxe in Mexico, while in some Native American cultures, two-spirit people may experience gender in a variety of ways. Nadleeh people in Navajo traditions, who identify beyond male and female gender definitions, are another example of gender diversity in Native American communities.

But not everyone who experiences gender variance is transgender or identifies that way. Some people don’t identify as cis or trans. They may describe themselves as genderqueer, agender, androgyne, genderfluid, or with other terminology, though! While they aren’t trans, these gender nonconforming individuals still don’t feel comfortable with the sexes assigned at birth and the genders assigned to them by society, and they don’t have to. You may have heard derisive comments made about members of these communities — “making it up for attention” or “special snowflakes,” perhaps, but the people who make those comments are one hundred percent wrong. Gender nonconforming people, regardless of their gender, are experiencing a very real phenomenon and deserve respect and accommodations.

[River]

My best friend doesn't sound like she's going to be very supportive- what do I do?

[Mo]

I'm sorry to hear your friend might not be supportive. I think if you have a friend who's not willing to use the right language for you, or disparages your identity, it can be helpful to have a serious talk with them and be very clear how important it is to you and that your friend doesn't have to understand your identity to be respectful of it. But if after that they are still unsupportive, or disrespectful, sadly you may have to pull back a bit on the friendship.