Some complications---

[just.a.boy]

So, my boyfriend is amazing and all that stuff but sexually, I feel like I'm not good enough. Like, first off, I'm on the asexual spectrum. I very very rarely get aroused (only ever by him) and when I do, I don't have any desire to do anything with it and I'm just completely clueless when it comes to sexting, let alone anything physical. He's on the complete opposite of this spectrum tho. A very sexual person in general, and wants to do s o m e t h i n g every time I see him and wants to sext every night. Needless to say, I don't really like that. But I definitely do want to be able to do sexual things with him. But I'm super inexperienced with guys. And I'm really insecure about my body. And he's really vague about his preferences and kinks. I have no preferences, so I just want to know what he wants from me sexually so I can do it. I've tried to start a conversation about this but it's always super short and just ends with something like "It's okay babe, you'll get better at it over time" or something.

Sorry about the really long background info on this question

So, I was wondering how I could have a conversation about this that actually ends with some sort of solution? Or some tips on how to talk about this.

Thank you

[Jacob]

Hi just.a.boy,

Good job on trying to initiate that conversation. It actually think it sounds like he has been really unkind by dismissing your concerns and being pushy over things you clearly don't want to be doing. His behavior is the problem

Have you thought about whether you might want to leave this relationship.

It sounds like you have very different needs and that at least from what you have said that he has lacked the compassion which would be needed to bridge that gap.

[just.a.boy]

Oh, No. I love him sO much and I couldn't do that. I realize I've portrayed him in a bad light oops. He's really respectful and compassionate, and if I tell him I don't want to do something, he backs off. But yeah, there is a problem with him just dismissing the issue. I'm really happy and don't want to leave the relationship. I just need a few things to change. And I don't know how to make that happen.

[Jacob]

Hi again!

I apologise if I was a bit direct, I realise that can come accross as severe. I am sure he's not completely awful otherwise you likely wouldn't be dating him! But this is really about valuing you!

I think I just wanted to stress that it does seem one sided... Your question seems to be asking "What can I do differently?" but it's just as important to ask "What can he do differently?".

How did it go when you *did* try to speak to him about it. Did you say that some of what is happening between you is making you unhappy?

I think also holding him responsible could also be really helpful because if you approached the conversation as a "what can i do differently" thing, it makes sense that he could think he is comforting you by saying "you are doing fine"... I really think asking more of him could change a lot, if he really does want to be a good partner!

[just.a.boy]

O wow I totally didn't think of that. I guess I have a habit of taking all the responsibility in a relationship. So thanks for bringing that approach up. And to answer your question, no I didn't. My only thought was "How can I be better for him?" so I didn't really consider saying anything that was making me unhappy. The way I brought it up was just "What do you want from me sexually?"

[Mo]

I can really sympathize with wanting to take responsibility for things in a relationship,and defaulting to asking what you can do to please a partner! Ultimately, though, when one person's doing all the heavy lifting there, a relationship is really unlikely to be balanced or healthy in the long run.

I think that, instead of asking him what he wants or what you can do for him sexually, maybe you can both approach it from a perspective of "where do our wants and desires overlap?" There may be sexual things he's interested in that you just aren't up for trying (for now, or in general), and that's ok; it's really common for couples to have some areas of their sexual desires that just don't line up, and the way to navigate a relationship that's enjoyable and fulfilling is to talk about these things to figure out what does line up. You being asexual doesn't mean you owe him any level of sexual contact that you aren't feeling at the moment, so if there are times where the overlap between sexual things he wants and sexual things you want is zero, you don't need to push yourself to be ok with that.

From what you've said here, it sounds like your boyfriend might be wanting you to guess or intuit some of the things he's interested in, since you mention he's vague about some of it. If he's not ready to share some of his preferences, that's all right, but if he feels like you should be able to know or guess them, or know exactly how he wants to experience them, without him telling you, that really isn't realistic at all. There's no way any of us can guess what a partner wants, sexually! I do agree with Jacob that his "you'll get better" response is pretty rude and dismissive.

So, I think it is a good idea to talk with him about this some more. Explain that you want to be able to talk more about what, specifically, he's interested in, and let him know what feels like something you're interested in exploring. If things like sexting just don't feel comfortable to you, you don't have to do them! Even if that's something he wants, if you aren't comfortable with it then that's a limit you're allowed to set.

I want to check in on something else - what does it look like when your partner suggests something sexual that you aren't up for in the moment? How does that conversation play out, and what's his response if you say you aren't in the mood?

[just.a.boy]

He's really really sweet about it actually. If I say I don't want to do something, he just says "Okay. I love you." And then we just carry on with a normal conversation.

[Mo]

Great, I'm glad that conversation goes well when you have it. What do you think about talking with him about what his desires are, and where you two might be compatible, so you aren't feeling like you have to guess what he wants?