not sure if im orgasming

[sonatine6728]

so when my boyfriend "fingers" me (plays with my clit) i cant tell if i orgasm or not. it feels really good and it feels like there is a build up but im not sure if there is a release or climax of it. the super strong feeling goes away and it becomes more relaxed, but i still want him to touch me and stuff, i dont feel like im done and want to cuddle or anything. i haven't orgasmed on my own with my hands, partly because i dont feel very turned on on my own and also i dont really have the patience to do it on myself.

[Siân]

hi sonatine,

From what your describing it's hard to answer your question! Not all orgasms feel the same; a super strong good feeling that then goes away could be an orgasm, although part of how we describe orgasms is about a release of tension. A feeling of being suddenly done can help us identify orgasms, but that doesn't mean we always want to stop sexual activity post-orgasm; maybe we'll want to change to a different activity for a bit, or need a lighter pressure or other change rather than just wanting to cuddle.

Often, when we're new to sex or learning to orgasm it's more helpful to focus on WHAT we feel than how we DEFINE what we're feeling: too much focus on orgasm is a great way to avoid having an orgasm! Over time, we then get used to our bodies different responses and can recognise and enjoy them more easily. Does that make sense?

From what you're saying here it sounds like you're enjoying the kinds of sex you and your partner are having, so can you tell me a bit about why it's important for you to know whether to call it an orgasm or not? Even with a thorough understanding of how orgasm feels in our own bodies, they can vary so much that sometimes if anyone asks the only answer is "I don't know, but I definitely had fun".

[sonatine6728]

i would just like to know how an orgasm feels and get that release. i dont always feel a release which is frustrating but i cant tell if i am expecting an orgasm to feel like too much or not. i think if i can definitively say i finished to my boyfriend, he might feel better because he feels insecure about not being able to make me finish.

[Jacob]

Hi Sonatine!

I have a few questions:

• 1. Did you enjoy the stimulation your boyfriend was giving you?
• 2. Were you satisfied by it? I.e. do you wish you had done more?
• 3. Have you tried masturbating with him, rather than directly pleasuring eachother? (That sounds like it could address the not-feeling-turned-on alone factor, while still giving you a chance to explore your own sensations.)

Aside from that, I also think you could just tell your boyfriend what you've told us here... that you haven't had much experience of anything you can identify as an orgasm, and that nothing happened from him stimulating you that felt like "Whoa, this is an orgasm". As Siân said what an orgasm actually feels like can vary from person to person, but learning to describe it can only really happen by spending time with yourself. Your body can teach you more about itself than we can.

Feeling impatient or seeking quick answers to satisfy your boyfriend probably won't get you there. But that could be a good thing! In my mind, being relaxed exploring your pleasure, and learning eachothers bodies as you go, and finding ways to care for eachothers pleasure through watching, feeling and listening, is the very thing that can be most rewarding and pleasurable about sex.

How does that sound?

[sonatine6728]

i did enjoy the stimulation, but more often than not i wish it would continue. sometimes his hand gets tired and we stop early. sometimes it builds, then subsides and i want him to continue light stimulation and touching. i would feel weird just touching myself in front of him i think. i might look weird and idk. we have done things where my hand is guiding his on top, sometimes i put my hand under and his hand is on top, but he always keeps his hands on, which i prefer. when im alone and touch myself i just get bored, i can think about him and get turned on but its not enough to get me as far as i do with my boyfriend. we're currently doing long distance i'm away from home for 4 weeks so it would be hard to address this right now, but ill remember this for when i see him again.

[Siân]

It sounds like you two have been exploring a number of different things, which is a great way to work out what does and doesn't work. If you're wanting things to continue sometimes when his hands are tired then you probably need to be looking at other activities you both feel good about.

In terms of using your own hands with him, that could be a natural progression from some of what you're already describing. E.g., he could rest his hand near yours when he needs a break and you can continue. As for how it looks, I'm sure that your boyfriend won't be judging you, and it shouldn't feel like a performance. There are other ways that he can be involved, which also keeps his attention on the things you're doing together e.g. if you're kissing or touching in other ways. What do you think?

[sonatine6728]

that sounds good thank you!