Complicated situation with boyfriend and best friend. Want advice ASAP please!

[hiim.maria]

Hi everyone.
My boyfriend and I of almost 3 years are currently going through some struggles. Throughout most of our relationship, I felt like I was the one who cared the most and just did everything. Our relationship was a lot of ups and downs and I’ve gotten to the point where I just need a break. I still love him very much of course. And at the end of the day, I close my eyes and I can still see us getting married someday. We didn’t have a very happy start to our relationship to begin with because his ex was in the picture and THAT is a different story in itself
The main issue is, within the last few months, I started developing feelings for a close friend of mine (which he knows about) this friend of mine has confessed his feelings to me but understands that at the end of the day, it’s my choice who I decide to be with. He’s very funny, attentive, caring, and honestly, I love the way he likes me. When he looks at me, I can tell he’s admiring me and I’d be lying if I said I don’t picture being with him sometimes.
My boyfriend and I aren’t really on a “break” per say, but I have asked for some more space right now and I just know I can’t keep going on in this limbo forever.
My boyfriend NOW has started showing he cares about me, but I feel like it took all of this just for him to wake up and be a good boyfriend. I’ve felt like crap a lot in the relationship and I know it was because he was busy and all that jazz but it’s still no excuse to put in no effort. He’s constantly sad now and I know he’s hurting but I’m trying to do what’s best for me.
I just don’t know what that is.
If I end up deciding to be with my boyfriend, I’d have to cut ties with the guy (who I consider a best best friend) and that pains me.
I guess I also don’t know if my feelings for my best friend are clouding my judgment in regards to my relationship. I feel like I’d be a lot sadder if I didn’t have feelings for my best friend and it sucks but I just feel like I spent a good chunk of our relationship being sad, stressed and doing the absolute most for him and he just sat back and accepted my love without giving back.

Please please, I need some advice. I feel completely torn and lost and I just need some advice from someone on the outside
Please know I appreciate every comment so much. Thank you

[Sam W]

Hi hiim.maria

This sounds like a tough situation to be in, and that you've got a lot of factors to consider.

What I suggest to start is to set aside the situation with your friend for the moment (we'll come back to it, but breaking the situation into pieces can be helpful), and focus on evaluating your relationship with your boyfriend and whether or not it's something you want to continue. Taking a look at these two articles, where do you feel like your relationship falls? Does it have a lot of the signs of something that's reached an end point?: Should I Stay or Should I Go? Potholes & Dead Ends: Relationship Roadblocks to Look Out For

You mention you still picture yourself marrying your boyfriend. Can I ask how that future fits into how you're feeling now? For example, are you picturing that because you still find a lot of positives in the relationship? Or because it's something you've pictured for awhile and feel you can't let go of? Something else?

[hiim.maria]

Hi Sam and thanks for replying and referring those articles.
According to the first article, I have both reasons to leave and stay. The reason why it’s hard for me to leave, of course, is because I do love him still.
I picture myself marrying him because I’ve thought about it for so long and I love him. But the way he has been in the relationship, would worry me in the past.
The best way to describe him in our relationship would be: affectionate but lazy.

While he’s apologic and attentive now, I fear that I might be over the relationship simply bc I have such strong feelings for My best friend. How am I supposed to put the two apart? I also fear that I might be missing a chance at being truly happy with someone who has cared and liked me from the very beginning (my best friend) and has gone out of his way for me.

[Heather]

Let's try this: take your best friend totally out of this situation.

With the understanding that you have the ability to choose different relationships than the one you are with NO MATTER WHAT, who can offer you things your current relationship doesn't, would you want to choose to stay with your partner?

Are you happy? Do you like the relationship that you have? It doesn't sound to me like you feel satisfied by it, or that it offers what you want and need. I hear you saying it's made you more sad or unsatisfied than happy and satisfied. Being able to see yourself getting married doesn't strike me as very meaningful when it comes to if this is a relationship you want to be in that's good for you: after all, a lot of married people have unsatisfying or crummy relationships.

[hiim.maria]

At times, I feel like my happiness was not true happiness because I was always trying to justify his actions and reasons for not doing small things for me.
We would have fun times together, but I’d have to drag him out and there would always be an argument before MOST outings.
It was like I was just suppressing how I actually felt for the sake of not stirring up any trouble. I hated how much we fought and how little he put in.
I feel like I would choose him at times bc it’s been so long and bc he’s all I know.
In this time, I find it hard to leave because he is saying things like
“Don’t leave me”
“Stay with me”
And instead of giving me time to think, he asks me if any progress has been made. Which bothers me a lot

[Mo]

What really stands out to me, from what you've written here, is that you have been hiding or suppressing how you feel so that you won't stir up trouble or starting a fight, and trying to make excuses for times when your boyfriend hasn't treated you the way you would like him to. That concerns me a bit, because a healthy relationship just can't happen if one person feels like they have to hide their feelings and opinions to keep the peace. A supportive and healthy relationship will be one where the people involved want to know what the other is thinking and feeling, and feel free to share those things themselves.

It sounds like this is a relationship in which you have done a lot of work to set up dates and accommodate his feelings, without feeling like that effort is returned. Does that sound correct to you?

[hiim.maria]

Mo, you are absolutely correct.
He’s more of a homebody, but I don’t think that’s an excuse to have such low spirits whenever we WOULD go out.
Behind every event or picture from an event, I can recall an argument just moments or hours before leading up to the event.
It felt like he was constantly annoyed at my feelings and while I can admit I’m just a little insecure in all aspects, he never reassured me in ways that I felt he should’ve.
That’s why now, I sometimes feel like he’s only cleaning up his act because he’s VERY close to losing me. And that’s not right

[hiim.maria]

How am I supposed to know which one is the best for me? Or what option is best?
- sorry for posting after, I thought I asked that in my last post and upon checking for a reply, I saw I didn’t
(Thank you!)

[Siân]

I agree with Heather and Sam that you need to think about whether your current relationship is right for you before thinking about the other person you're interested in.

From everything you're saying, it doesn't sound that you feel fulfilled and supported in this relationship. So what makes you stay? I know that you still feel a lot of love for this person, and I'm sure you don't want to hurt him but your happiness is just as important, and actually is what you can have the biggest impact on here. Sometimes we stay in a relationship that has run it's course because it's been so long it's hard to imagine anything else, and thinking about a different kind of future is scary. Does that sound like you?

[hiim.maria]

Siân, it does sound like me
3 years is such a long time, and as a person, he’s very talented and great and I’d hate to lose that but as a boyfriend, I can honestly say he’s been very absent and it’s not fair that he’s attempting to do all this change in a short time just so I don’t leave him.
But you all are right. I need to separate the situations for what they are and fully think about the relationship as a whole and if it benefits me staying and fighting for it.
A part of the reason why it’s also hard to decide is because my best friend talks about how much he likes me and how the thought of not being with me makes him terribly sad.
I guess I just need to ignore what they’re saying and worry about what’s best for me.

[Sam W]

I think worrying about what's best for you right now based on what you want and need from a relationship sounds like an excellent idea.

If it helps, it's very common for people to have a hard time letting go of a relationship where they've put a lot of time and energy into maintaining it. Too, someone can be a good and interesting person and still not be a good partner for you, and it sounds like that might be the case with your boyfriend. There are people out there who have the qualities you admire in your boyfriend who also have qualities that make them a good partner for you, you know?

Something it might help to think about in terms of your friend is that, if you do choose to break-up with your boyfriend, it would be sound to take some time to not be dating anyone, rather than to jump immediately into a relationship with your friend. Taking time to be single between relationships gives you some time to self-reflect, think about what you want from a relationship independent of a specific person, and reconnect with yourself and your interests. Does that make sense?

[Heather]

I also would add that it sounds like right now, your best friend could stand to act more like one.

I’d suggest asking him to recognize what you’re struggling with right now and back off with the kinds of things he is saying to you. You need support to figure out the right choice for you, not more pressure from another guy about what HE wants. If he can’t deal with that, I think some space from him while you sort this through may be needed.

(Also, you probably don’t need yet another dude who is so focused on what they want from you, so if he can’t chill right now - and probably for a while, so you have some real time to transition - you may also be getting some information that getting romantically involved with him anytime soon might not be such a great choice either, you know?)