Fresh start but stuck in the past

[Pinkdexter]

(Moved convo from texts) So I recently got into a relationship with a great guy, but the thing is my last boyfriend wasn't good to me at all. He emotionally abused me constantly and I'm just always thinking the worst is going to happen with this new relationship. I definitely trust him but I'm still always asking myself "what if?" And I'm always thinking the worst. I really want to stay with this guy because he makes me really happy but I don't want to be overthinking constantly. Any advice?

[Heather]

Well, I wonder if you think it might be helpful to go ahead and answer that question?

In other words, okay, what if? If he does do anything abusive or problematic, or your relationship appears to be becoming unhealthy, what would you do this time?

[Pinkdexter]

Well, I wonder if you think it might be helpful to go ahead and answer that question?

In other words, okay, what if? If he does do anything abusive or problematic, or your relationship appears to be becoming unhealthy, what would you do this time?

I would most likely leave him, it would definitely hurt if it ever got to that point, but now I know if I have to leave I will.

[Heather]

I think that's really important to know about yourself, and to feel stronger about than you obviously did before. I think knowing that the answer to "What if he abuses me?" is "Then I will leave and not be in abuse," might be something to help you through this if you just repeat it to yourself when it comes up.

The hard truth, of course, is that that what-if is always a thing no matter who we're dating. Abuse can always happen. But you know some of the signs now, and you probably didn't before. You feel stronger about getting away from it if it happens with someone now, and you didn't before. You can also have a talk with this new partner about all of this and make your limits with any kind of abuse clear: that might help you feel better about all of this, too. Is that something you've done yet, telling them about your last relationship and setting limits around anything unhealthy?

It also might help, if this is brand new, to maybe be less attached to staying with this person until you have been with them some more time where you can get to know them better and really know who they are and who they are with you. If you're already getting super-attached to staying with them, that might be part of why you're having some worries, you know?