talking about making our relationship open

[phantom_dog]

hey guys,

so in the past i've had a difficult time staying monogamous in my relationships which has caused me to leave those partners because i did not have the communication skills to talk about polyamory. now that i'm in a committed and fulfilling relationship, i do not want to make that same mistake with my boyfriend. i've been thinking recently and i do believe that a polyamorous relationship is right for me. last week or so i haphazardly brought up the topic over text and without thinking it through. we ended on the note that my boyfriend didn't want to share me because he doesn't want to lose me. i left it at that because the topic had brought him distress. i think the conversation would have gone over much better if we talked it over in person and if i explained that even if i am seeing another person alongside him, it doesn't mean i don't love him anymore. how i can i bring this up and ensure he knows that i'm not going to lose interest just because i might see someone else too? what is the best way to quell his anxieties about this? i think a lot of his anxiety comes from him not fully understanding polyamory. if you have any advice, i would appreciate it a lot! thanks!!

[Sam W]

Hi terezichan,

I think your instinct to bring this up in person is a sound one, since being face to face gives you tone or body language cues that you can miss if you talk in another format.

As for how to have this conversation, this chunk of our polyamory guide has a lot of good advice: I Think I'm Poly: How Do I Initiate Open Relationships? Looking at that, do you see things that will help you out? Does it raise any questions or concerns for you?

It may also help to think about how you will proceed if polyamory is simply a hard "no" for him. Would you want to end the relationship?

[phantom_dog]

that article was helpful, thank you. while i believe he will compromise at least a little, he probably will give a hard no but over the course of several conversations he's slowly growing more okay with the idea i think. i wouldn't want to end the relationship because he means a lot to me and we've developed a highly valued support system between us. i'm not sure what i would do.

[Sam W]

Glad the article was helpful! I think it's worth taking time to consider what you'll do if you two hit an impasse on this. That could be as simple as taking some time to journal out your thoughts on various outcomes (of course, you can never perfectly predict how you'll react to something, but it does help to be prepared).

You mention he's growing more comfortable with the idea. Does it feel, to you, like he's genuinely changing his perspective? Or is it more that he feels like he needs to change his response to make you happy?

[phantom_dog]

maybe he isn't changing his perspective but rather gradually becoming more informed and feeling less opposed to the idea without being fully okay with it, if that makes sense. i genuinely believe he would always be 100% honest with me on things like this. he isn't the type to totally disregard his own comfort for my sake, he's more inclined to compromise rather than just go along with it.

[Jacob]

Hi terezichan,

I'm glad you have had some good conversations about this with your boyfriend. I even think that as clumsy as your initial text interraction may have felt, that clumsiness can't always be avoided and it's better that you did it than never having initiated the ongoing conversation at all.

It sounds like he is becoming more accepting of open relationships in general but no more inclined to be one. It is useful to know that if that's the case. But it does make it more likely that you will find it difficult to be happy together if you want different things.

I have found it really useful when I have been in similar situations to say that 'losing' me is not something that would happen as a result of other relationships... it's my enthusiasm for a relationship that keeps me in it... not the degree to which I enjoy other things, or time with other people. If he still has those concerns it could be something more to talk about!