i tried to finger myself but i can't?

[alone]

Ok so ,this is my first time writing here ,i'm feeling a bit nervous. i'm 18 years old ,and i never had sex or tried to masturbate, because i simply can't put not even a finger inside .i became really anxious about this because i'm so confused,like i tried sticking one finger inside and it feels so sore and uncomfortable, it doesn't go inside ,theres something stopping it to go inside,when i gave up on that and i went to the bathroom to pee it felt sore. I looked up here and i found a few answers ,and that thing about hymen that i have too , i think it's called septate ,also that the pee hole and vagina hole are two separate holes ,but still ,i wonder why when i have my period and i pee ,blood comes out and sometimes little clots??please help ,i feel so bad about this ,i want to put an end to my life and all i wanna do is cry

[Heather]

Suicidal feelings or impulses are very serious things. They are also things we are not equipped with the proper resources to handle.

I would be happy to talk about your issues with you, but we first need to make sure that you're safe from harm and not in need of help with suicidal thoughts or impulses. Are you truly having feelings of wanting to do yourself harm? If so, do you have access right now to a person in-person to ask for help from, or are you able to call a suicide hotline or, if it feels particularly dire, the emergency room closest to you?

[alone]

i'm not going to harm myself as long as i will find out a solution for my problem or at least an answer, it really does bring me to tears and makes me suicidal, i dont understand why .i feel very anxious about my problem. but i am ok ,thank you so much though. i dont think i need help. im too scared to kill myself anyways

[Heather]

Feeling suicidal over questions like this sounds to me like you must have pretty strong suicidality already. So, if it’s at all possible for you, I would strongly encourage you to seek out a mental healthcare provider. It’s not easy to live with suicidal ideation, but it’s really freaking hard without good help.

I am not sure I understand why any of this has you so upset, but let me give you some facts to start with - just a couple basics - and we can talk this from there, okay?

Just due to angles and arm/finger length alone, most people aren’t going to be able to do much with their own fingers inside their own vaginas. Most people will be able to reach the first inch or so inside, and that’s where the sensory nerve endings are anyway, but honestly, masturbation that involves fingers inside the vagina - instead of stimulating the external clitoris and other parts, or using toys meant for vaginal play - isn’t super common. It’s just not something I would say many people seem to report finding very satisfying, which isn’t surprising.

It sounds like it clearly doesn’t feel good for you, so why stress? Why not just explore more to find what DOES feel good?

No matter what someone’s hymen is like, the urinary opening and vaginal opening are not the same place, but separate. And having menstrual flow when you urinate is usually just about gravity and what happens when you move the muscles you do to urinate.

Menstual flow doesn’t really clot: it’s not actually blood, not entirely, and not that kind. Rather, it’s the uterine lining, which includes blood, from the cycle before. Sometimes it sheds as a fluid, sometimes a bit more solid, and sometimes either or both clump up with cervical mucus. It’s common for people to mistake those latter two for clotting. Any of those variations are normal and nothing to worry about.

How do you feel now knowing those facts?

[alone]

yes ,i suffer from depression, but i thought i got rid of it ,i feel suicidal only sometimes, i will proceed to apply your advice tho .i dont think its possible to do it on my own ,but i got used to wanting to die and i think its so normal to want to die. anyways ,what you said does make me feel better ,and i dont understand either why this thing made me feel so uncomfortable.Maybe because i thought that it is not normal to not be able to finger myself , and because i thought that it might be something wrong with my vagina. when i think of how it made me feel ,now im embarrassed, lol ,i'm sorry . im afraid that i will never be good enough and that i look like a piece of shit .this doesnt matter anyways . thank you so much for taking time to respond, it means a lot and i appreciate it :"))

[Alice O]

Hey alone,

I'm so sorry to hear about the intense and painful feelings you've been having. I am thinking of you.

Once we have experienced something for a long time it's easy for it to become normalized, but I want to remind you that you don't need to get used to wanting to die. And while you are definitely not alone in struggling with suicidal thoughts, I wouldn't say it is "normal" to want to die. With good mental healthcare, and with time, you can and will feel better. This storm too shall pass.

You said that you thought you got rid of your depression--was that through working with a therapist and/or taking a medication? If so, are you still seeing a therapist? If not, is that something that you would like help getting set up with? To overcome depression and feeling suicidal without professional support is very difficult--just like I wouldn't try to manage my diabetes without the help of a doctor!

Lastly, no need to feel embarrassed! It is very vulnerable to compare our bodies and ourselves to others, to worry that we are not normal, to worry that something is wrong with us. I hear you 100% on that and I resonate! It takes a lot of time and practice to stop worrying so much about "normal," especially when it comes to our bodies and genders and sexualities. Are there any other things in this area you are worried about not being normal, or have any questions about?

[alone]

Thank you for your kind words ,it feels truly amazing when someone cares about you .I appreciate your time taking to reply . no ,i didnt go to any therapist, in fact my family knows nothing,because i never said anything about it or show how i feel, although lately i tell mom i want to die sometimes ,making it sound like a joke so she won't suspect anything. it's hard to talk about it knowing that others will judge you and make fun about it . i dont live in a country where depression is accepted as a health problem, people here consider that whoever has depression, is thinking only of themselves, saying we are *selfish* . then ofc ,one time i got very sad and when dad asked whats my problem i bursted into tears saying i want to die and all he did was get very mad at me .i dont think i ever got enough love from my parents,this affected me so much as a child ,and now i really dont care anymore, my dad used to have anger issues and act in accordance with his feelings, but now he turned into a better person ,im happy about that ,but my depression already has started since i was too little to understand the world . I can forgive how much i can but i cant heal my depression. you are right ,i need professional help to be able to overcome it.i was saying that i thought i got rid of it ,because at some point in my life ,i went on with several months not feeling suicidal at all,i think that happened because i was focusing only on the positive part of the things, i was feeling spirituality complete, meaning that i had an unusual experience,i'll talk about this as well .i believe in God, but i dont believe in religion, i was raised as a Christian, yet things were getting difficult for me and i was more and more depressed, i once found myself crying out loud because i couldnt hold it in anymore, i was way to heartbroken, as i kept saying 'im a mistake' while crying ,i heard a voice in my head saying something like 'did i ever make mistakes?',it wasnt my thoughts, that made me immediately stop ,i felt such a love going inside me ,i knew it was Him ,my very first experience. things were going great for a few months, i felt like a totally new person ,but things changed when my bf i loved dearly broke up with me for no reason. then i made the biggest mistake to break the bond with God that made me truly happy . i felt back into depression... sadly.i never felt again as happy as in that moment of my life .i think i talked way too much now ,but i hope you'll understand.
yeah ,i do . if i cant finger myself, will i still be able to have sex? and im afraid that will hurt a lot .i didnt have sex with my bf because of that ,im not feeling comfortable and i know i dont need to rush unless im prepared.although im not looking forward to having sex at all ,sometimes i do get horny and want to do that.

[Sam W]

Hi alone,

It sounds like you've been carrying a lot of sadness and negative thoughts about yourself around for a long time. That can be so draining, and I'm glad you feel comfortable enough in this space to share those feelings with us. The tricky thing about depression is that it can have periods where it's mild and periods where it's intense, and those ups and downs just happen, they're not the result of any mistake you made. Since it sounds like you know mental health support is something you need, would you like to talk about some options for finding that support for yourself? You mention your family is not understanding when it comes to your depression (with your dad, what did his acting on his anger look like when you were younger?). Do you have any friends or other family members who you think would be more supportive who you could reach out to?

As for your question about sex, there's no reason to assume that because you've had a bad experience with fingering that you won't be able to have positive sexual experiences with a partner. Odds are, as you experiment more with masturbation, you'll find things that do feel good to you, and that will give you information you could one day pass onto a partner (too, if you're tense or nervous about inserting a finger, it's more likely to be painful because everything is tensing up). Does that help?

[alone]

hello.im looking forward to seeing a psychologist to help me cope with my depression and overcome it.About my dad ,he would usually yell at me and tell me the worst things ever like that im good for nothing and i cant do anything, im stupid and so on.i could rely on other relatives ,but considering im not so open about sharing my pain with others ,idk if im gonna reach them.
Yes! that helps a lot .i wanna thank you and your team for all of this .i honestly have no longer issues with this thing because i dont care anymore,if i cant finger myself, i cant ,its not such a big deal and im accepting it . Thank you again!!!

[AdviceGuru123]

Hello! I made an account literally just to reply to your post haha. This is important, trust me. Ok, I want you to listen closely! I had a VERY similar problem to you!!! I'm 23 years old now but when I was a teen, around your age, I realized I had a problem. I couldn't insert a tampon at all. It was soooo painful. I wasn't too concerned because I only tried every now and then and I figured I was just doing it wrong. Fast forward to college. I "hooked up" with my first person ever when I was a senior. I had just turned 22. He tried to finger me and it was EXCRUCIATING!!!!!! Not normal at all. I almost cried from the pain and kept trying to back away from him because it hurt so bad...and I was SO drunk when he did it! I can't imagine how badly it would have hurt if I were sober. Anyway, I bled for a day or two afterward. My friend told me that's not normal but that he was probably just "way too rough" or I wasn't wet enough. But I knew something wasn't right. Fingering is not supposed to hurt but yet it was literally one of the most painful experiences of my life. The pain was like a horrific burning feeling (is that what your pain is like?) and like hitting a brick wall (the muscles tensed up from the pain, not allowing entry). I realized I had to do something. I, like you, was worried I'd never be able to have sex if I can't even be fingered! So I went to see an ob/gyn. During the exam, she tried to do a pap smear....it was IMPOSSIBLE. She couldn't even insert the tiniest speculum the pain was so bad, I kept moving backward on the table trying to get away from her. She had to stop and told me I had to have the pap smear and exam done another day under ANESTHESIA!!! So I did. My anatomy was all normal, so I knew it wasn't a hymen problem (you should get checked for that! They can easily cut your hymen for you if that's the issue). Come to find out I have VAGINISMUS. What is that? It's when your vaginal muscles spasm and tense up during penetration, causing pain. And then the fear/expectation of pain causes them to tense up even more, causing even more pain. It's a cycle. What is the treatment? I started going to physical therapy (PT) weekly. When I first started PT, she could only insert like literally a nail's worth into me. Like, a centimeter! And the pain was horrible. Eventually, she could do 1 finger. When I tried it at home, it was a slow and painful process. I had to train myself to relax with breathing techniques. I had to learn to not expect pain. It's like training yourself not to blink. When I'd insert my finger, I could literally feel all the muscles inside me spasming/tensing up! Now, it's been about 6 months since I started PT. I went to PT a few days ago and she inserted an entire finger into me quickly and with barely any pain. She said she could do 3-4 fingers if she wanted to! She said she thinks I'm ready to have sex. At home, I can now insert 1 finger super quickly and with almost no spasming. I can sort of do 2 but that's harder. Moral of the story: YOU MIGHT HAVE VAGINISMUS. If you do, do not worry. It's treatable with things like PT, dilators, vibrators, therapy, etc. (There's even botox injections for severe cases). It's been 6 months and I've made SO much progress and you can too!!!! My advice to you is to go see an ob/gyn and have them do an exam to make sure your anatomy is normal and your hymen isn't in the way. If your hymen is causing the problem, that's an easy fix. A simple surgery. If you have vaginismus, then that's a bit of a longer process to fix, but it's definitely treatable. Don't wait until you are in a relationship and want to have sex. Treat the problem NOW! So then when you are in a relationship and want to have sex, you can! I've been single the past 6 months and I've gone to PT and gotten treatment so that when I do have a boyfriend I will be ready. Oh, and just so you know, a lot of ob/gyns might not be too familiar with vaginismus, so make sure you get a second opinion if they're not. Okay, I just wanted to let you know about this because to me it really sounds like you may have this issue. Also, I hope you are doing much better with your depression and mental health. I think a little therapy and PT would do wonders for you. Even if you don't care about this issue anymore I'd still encourage you to get it fixed so that your muscles are working properly and you'll be healed in case you want to do anything in the future. It's good to be okay with it but that doesn't mean you can't still try to fix it. It's so worth it. I'm still going through this journey and you can start yours soon too. Stay strong, my dear!!! We are in this together.

[Siân]

alone - I'm really pleased that you were looking forward to seeing a psychologist, how has that been going for you? Your dad said some awful things, and I really don't believe that they are true. It's also really great that you were feeling able to let go of your worries around fingering yourself. How are you feeling now?

AdviceGuru is right that vaginismus is one reason that some women experience pain and difficulty with penetration and that it's something that various treatments - including working with a sex therapist - exist for. I would like to say again though that plenty of people have happy, healthy sex lives that aren't focussed on sex with entry, and it's much more about what you want/enjoy than having to have intercourse.

[alone]

wow,omg ,i even forgot all about this .its obv not an issue for me anymore ,haha .Omggggg, but thank you sooo much,i mean you literally put too much effort in writing all that for me while you shouldnt have ,for which im so grateful !!!!!!!!!! thank you thank youuuu
imactually feeling much better , im trying to improve myself and my mental healh , everything is going great so far.
Thank you to all of you for checking up on me and actually caring , much much love !!1