How do i get her to open up and get to know her better

[lili_13]

Me and my girlfriend broke up 3 days ago. She said we didnt know eachother enough. She has trust issues and doesnt like opening up as do i. I am willing to open up just for her, but she doesnt want to. I just need help on how to get to know her better and also get her to open up without forcing her of course.

[Sam W]

Hi lili_13,

It can be so rough to go through a break up when you feel like there's a way to resolve the issue that lead to it. We can certainly talk about ways to open up to her and ways to build intimacy, but I'd like to get a sense of the current situation first. Has she indicated to you that she wants to take time for you to get to know each other more and then try the relationship again? Does it seem like she would be open to getting back together? Or does she see the relationship as being over and done, period?

[lili_13]

She wants to know each other more than get together. She said that when we were together she made me more depressed but thats not true at all. Also because she felt bad cuz i wanted affection but she doesnt know how to show it because she doesnt know how to show it. I told her that i completely. Ive also told her several times she makes me happier and no depressed.

[lili_13]

i meant that i completly understand. She says she still loves me. Today she said she still loves me then our friend told her we shud get back together and she said something like im not ready to be in a relationship or i dont want to be in a relationship.
I tried talking to her about it but she didnt know wut to say and wus awkward i guess...idk

[Sam W]

Okay, so it sounds like she's not in a place right now where she wants to be in a romantic relationship with you. With that in mind, you get to ask yourself: what do you want to do? You know what she wants. Do your own wants feel like they're compatible with hers?

Since you're in the midst of what sounds like a pretty rough break up, have you been taking time to take care of yourself and get support from friends?

[lili_13]

im getthng some support. we hung out alot on wed. and tues. a lot, but on thurs. we really didnt even talk

[lili_13]

on thurs. a boy asked her out and she said no i like lili.(which is me)
im just so scared to lose her because summer is gna be over i wnt see her everyday again. we are going to different schools shes gna be in high school (9th grade) and im gna be in 8th grade. she said she wont find anyone else and to trust her.

[Sam W]

I'm glad you're getting at least some support. Do you have someone in your life, like a friend or a family member, who you've talked to about this situation and how you're feeling? And, how would you feel about spending a little less time with your ex? It sounds like being around her is making things tougher on you, and is probably making it a bit more difficult for you two to sort out how you want the relationship to proceed. Especially because right now she keeps saying things about how she loves you while continuing to not want a romantic relationship (which it sound like is what you want), which is only feeding some of the cruddier feelings you're having.

Are you okay with her plan to be friends and then move back into dating? And have the two of you talked at all about how that would look (for example, you say you both need to get better at opening up to each other, but do you have ways you can learn how to do that)?

[Heather]

I also want to add that super-fast on and off relationships are -- unfortunately! -- so often the norm in middle school and early high school, and that kind of rollercoaster can be really difficult to manage and cope with. We can include talking about some of that here too, if you like. <3