A Virginity Rant

[OhHeckDatGurl]

I just don't understand why women still aren't given choices, even from "feminists" who claim to be all about women making choices.

I don't understand why my conservative friend, who is waiting until marriage, has been called a "prude" by so-called feminists. I don't understand that when I told people I was waiting, I always felt judgement from other women, or that other women thought that I was judging them, when I was just making the right decision for myself at the time and I don't regret a single day of it, because sex just wasn't right for me at the time. It was my CHOICE, and yet I was somehow anti-feminist even as I sought to reclaim what virginity meant. And I know that even if something were to happen to me and my partner and I chose to abstain again, I would get scoffed at all over again, even by feminists who claim to support a woman's choice.

So what are they trying to say? That me nor my friend are educated enough to know the history of virginity and how it has suppressed women? Are they saying we can't be whole, sexual people unless we have partnered sex, preferably (ironically enough) with a man? Are they saying women can choose anything they want to, UNLESS that's to be religious, abstinent, conservative, or the gambit? I say this because even when I chose to be abstinent and I told people it was MY CHOICE, that their sexual lives should be what they want it to be, that I was growing to support the queer community and had by then realized comprehensive sex education is what every single person needs: I was still seen as being judgmental and "better than", and I know my friend is seen that way, too.

How can we say that we support women when we still don't give women the right to choose? I call bullshit. Women ought to be supportive of one another no matter the choices. I support women who define what virginity is for them and follow through on waiting until marriage, just as I support women who will gladly have multiple sex partners in the same week. Granted, I know there are ways to be dumb on both of those fronts, but there are ways to be smart about it, too, and yet we also assume that women do it the stupid way, and I think that we continue to downsize women when we do that. I am smart enough to make whatever sexual decisions I choose, to be on whatever political front I choose, and to be the woman that I choose to be.

If you say you're a feminist, then mean it. Believe that women are smart enough to choose.




(FYI, I'm not talking about anyone on this site: I'm speaking from personal experience and out of anger for my friend. I don't see anyone writing about these things, and I think I just needed to rant. Scarleteen is wonderful and I'm so glad that I found it before I chose to engage in partnered sex. Ya'll are the best! Thank you!)

[Jacob]

Hi there!

Most or all the people I know who would describe themselves as feminist are down with anyone making their own choices around when to have or not have sex.

It sounds like some of the people you've met who are claiming that word have their wires crossed a little.

I hope they start to think more about how to support others and make the world a better place instead of judging you.

[Tommy, Tommy]

Hello,

I share some of your sentiments. It seems like to feminist, you can make whatever sexual choices you want as long as the choice is not remain abstinent until marriage. Me and you would probably disagree on a lot of issues, but we can both agree that people who choose to wait until marriage to have sex should not be criticized, and should be accepted for that decision. It seems like there are no sexual taboos left besides one, and that is abstinence. I actually had a very similar discussion to the one you were having now on the same site, here is the link: http://www.scarleteen.com/bb/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=7510

Note: By disagree, I mean you sound more liberal than I am. I am religious as well, but probably more conservative than you. But it sounds like that we can both agree that people who wait until marriage to have sex should be accepted for that decision. Me and you disagree on comprehensive sex education, I believe that abstinence should be taught in schools, if we are to teach sex education at all.

[Tommy, Tommy]

I just don't understand why women still aren't given choices, even from "feminists" who claim to be all about women making choices.

I don't understand why my conservative friend, who is waiting until marriage, has been called a "prude" by so-called feminists. I don't understand that when I told people I was waiting, I always felt judgement from other women, or that other women thought that I was judging them, when I was just making the right decision for myself at the time and I don't regret a single day of it, because sex just wasn't right for me at the time. It was my CHOICE, and yet I was somehow anti-feminist even as I sought to reclaim what virginity meant. And I know that even if something were to happen to me and my partner and I chose to abstain again, I would get scoffed at all over again, even by feminists who claim to support a woman's choice.

So what are they trying to say? That me nor my friend are educated enough to know the history of virginity and how it has suppressed women? Are they saying we can't be whole, sexual people unless we have partnered sex, preferably (ironically enough) with a man? Are they saying women can choose anything they want to, UNLESS that's to be religious, abstinent, conservative, or the gambit? I say this because even when I chose to be abstinent and I told people it was MY CHOICE, that their sexual lives should be what they want it to be, that I was growing to support the queer community and had by then realized comprehensive sex education is what every single person needs: I was still seen as being judgmental and "better than", and I know my friend is seen that way, too.

How can we say that we support women when we still don't give women the right to choose? I call bullshit. Women ought to be supportive of one another no matter the choices. I support women who define what virginity is for them and follow through on waiting until marriage, just as I support women who will gladly have multiple sex partners in the same week. Granted, I know there are ways to be dumb on both of those fronts, but there are ways to be smart about it, too, and yet we also assume that women do it the stupid way, and I think that we continue to downsize women when we do that. I am smart enough to make whatever sexual decisions I choose, to be on whatever political front I choose, and to be the woman that I choose to be.

If you say you're a feminist, then mean it. Believe that women are smart enough to choose.




(FYI, I'm not talking about anyone on this site: I'm speaking from personal experience and out of anger for my friend. I don't see anyone writing about these things, and I think I just needed to rant. Scarleteen is wonderful and I'm so glad that I found it before I chose to engage in partnered sex. Ya'll are the best! Thank you!)

Hello,

I share some of your sentiments. It seems like to feminist, you can make whatever sexual choices you want as long as the choice is not remain abstinent until marriage. Me and you would probably disagree on a lot of issues, but we can both agree that people who choose to wait until marriage to have sex should not be criticized, and should be accepted for that decision. It seems like there are no sexual taboos left besides one, and that is abstinence. I actually had a very similar discussion to the one you were having now on the same site, here is the link: viewtopic.php?f=5&t=7510

Note: By disagree, I mean you sound more liberal than I am. I am religious as well, but probably more conservative than you. But it sounds like that we can both agree that people who wait until marriage to have sex should be accepted for that decision. Me and you disagree on comprehensive sex education, I believe that abstinence should be taught in schools, if we are to teach sex education at all.

There are a number of other issues upon which you and we disagree, but that is not what this post is about, this post is specifically to comment on your post. If you would like to have a discussion upon which issues we disagree on, please just say so and we can have one in the chat.

[Tommy, Tommy]

Hi there!

Most or all the people I know who would describe themselves as feminist are down with anyone making their own choices around when to have or not have sex.

It sounds like some of the people you've met who are claiming that word have their wires crossed a little.

I hope they start to think more about how to support others and make the world a better place instead of judging you.

I understand this site has rules, is my post above OK?

[Heather]

It is, though the user you responded to posted this way back in March, so probably won't respond. As well, you invited her into "the chat" with you, but our site doesn't include any kind of private communication between users on any of its platforms for everyone's safety.

I personally strongly disagree with your assessments of feminism and feminists, and don't imagine they are based in much exposure to either. I perhaps obviously -- as the founder and director of a comprehensive sex education site and the kind of person abstinence-only education discriminates against strongly -- also disagree with your ideas about sexuality education. But saying or thinking things I or others may disagree with isn't against the rules.