Ashamed About My Sexual Preferences

[Herstory]

Hello! I'm writing to seek some help and insight about my feelings. I enjoy outercourse very much, but society is heteronormative and penetration focused, so much so that I feel like all the experiences I had with outercourse mean nothing. I first engaged in outercourse when I was 15 and have loved it ever since. I had penetrative sex later on, but it didn't make me feel the way everyone described it as this end all, be all pleasure. In fact, I didn't feel much stimulation at all and to this day have never orgasmed from it. Yet everyone around me says I have to like it and that it's possible for me to like it, but I'm just "limiting myself". The one that really hurt me was the comment that my therapist said that I faced some sort of trauma during my first time having intercourse (which is absolutely not true because I had a loving, supportive partner) and that I was too young to experience pleasure from intercourse. I felt like she invalidated my feelings and sexual preferences. I feel so alone and like I'm the only one who doesn't care for intercourse. I hate myself for not liking it and it tortures me everyday. Why can't I just be accepted by society for who I am, no matter who I am with or what I do with the person I am with? Am I abnormal for not finding pleasure in the things everyone else does? Why is society so focused on penetration? Why can't other forms of sex be accepted and validated? Will it ever get better?

[Heather]

You're not alone, I promise. You're not even alone in feeling alone: we've had tons of users over the years come in feeling similarly, sure it's only them. It's not. It's never been. It's not only you, either, not in any part of this.

I ideally never want anyone to feel ashamed of anything, but if I didn't have that view, I'd be saying that the people who *should* be ashamed here is anyone saying anyone has to "learn to like" any kind of sex. I'm mortified at those kinds of notions and even more so at someone telling someone that. I also have a very pointed stink eye happening right now when it comes to what your therapist said (here's hoping they don't have any LGBTQA patients, FFS).

To be consensual, sex has to be optional. We all need to be able to only engage in the kind of sex we really want to, which, go figure, almost always tends to be the sex we really like. Suggesting someone needs to have a kind of sex they don't like is not only profoundly sexually unenlightened, it's just a really gross thing to say. Mind, it may be some of the people saying that to you are themselves having sex they think they are obligated to have and that they really don't want to, in which case the way they have been talking to you is not only awful to you, but really sad for them.

Other forms of sex *are* accepted and validated. Clearly, not in the circles you've been running in and talking to about this (and whooboy, IMHO, does your therapist need some training and education when it comes to talking to patients about sexuality), which stinks, but the good news is that that's not representative of the whole world. For sure, as a whole world and all its cultures, we still have a long way to go when it comes to presenting sex as for mutual benefit and pleasure (not for only the benefit of men, with everyone else just doing a duty), to recognizing sex as something people have always primarily done for pleasure, not procreation, when it's been a real choice, and to real, full inclusion for everyone, including people who aren't straight, and including people whose sexualities and sexual lives don't fit the strict and restrictive lines of heteronormativity (in which intercourse reigns supreme, as you've experienced).

I personally haaaaaaaaate the word "penetration" (it sounds like a description of rape to me, not like consensual intercourse), so you will often not find it in our content, but if you take a spin with the search function on our main site, you'll find at least a few advice columns and articles addressing the reality that there are plenty of people who don't like or want to have intercourse, or who like it fine, but who don't get off from it (hint: the majority of cisgender women don't, period) or for whom it just isn't a favorite thing. I think seeing some of those pieces might help you to feel less isolated. This one -- http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advic ... ntercourse -- and this one -- The Great No-Orgasm-from-Intercourse Conundrum -- might be good places to start.

How do you feel about changing up or expanding who you talk to about sex? Personally, I'd stop talking about any of this to anyone who says or suggests that something is wrong with you for not liking one kind of sex, and, worse still suggests you should have to engage in sex you don't want or like. I'd also personally seriously reconsider seeing a therapist who said what yours did unless I was otherwise very much benefitting from working with them (in which case maybe I'd stick around, but I'd also want to say something about what they said, make clear it wasn't okay or very informed, and ask that we not talk about sex in our therapy again until they got some more current and inclusive education).

If it helps, know you found a place where we all know full well how incredibly diverse sexualities and sexual lives are, how much what everyone does and doesn't like varies, and where we've worked hard for almost two decades to make the reality of sexuality -- very much including this kind of diversity -- clear to everyone. In other words, we've got your back around this, for sure, and if you want to at least add one community to your life where you know your sexuality and the sexual life you want is supported, you found one.

Happy to keep talking from here however you'd like. Let's see what we can do to help you get rid of any residual yuck from some of these other messed-up messages and get closer to claiming your own sexuality as yours, feeling confident and happy about what it is you want and enjoy, with no need to do anything you don't.

[Herstory]

Thank you. This is the first time anyone has ever validated my experiences and feelings about my own sexuality. I did decide to stop seeing that therapist and am currently looking for one who specialized specifically on sexuality, LGBT issues, and promotes inclusivity. I think I deserve to have someone who understands me and validates me than someone who tells me who I should be. I actually went into a spiral downward and am experiencing the worst depression of my life because of the amount of therapists who keep proposing that intercourse is the ultimate and that I'm limiting myself by not having it. I have also heard these messages from my family, friends, and partners. It makes me feel like something is inherently wrong with me, but I can't help it. I've even tried forcing myself to like it for years, but it felt more like I was raping myself and fake orgasmed a few times to try to feel the pleasure and feel normal.

[Heather]

I'm so, so sorry that's how this has been for you. I am particularly mortified (though let's be real, Florida is not exactly a bastion of progressive thought, but still) at the fact that more than one therapist that was like this with you. That's inexcusable in part because any therapist suggesting that is clearly so poorly educated about human sexuality that they've been effectively operating outside their abilities. Not okay, man. I'm so glad that's over for you.

Nothing is wrong with you. But plenty is wrong with everyone else, honestly, who has been being about this with you the way they have been. Most of what's wrong is probably just ignorance, and some of those folks are probably hurting themselves with these ideas, too, but look at the impact their behaviour has had on you and your life. I think it's horrible, and again, I'm so sorry. You deserved much better.

I hope that, if nothing else, you can commit yourself to no longer trying to do ANYTHING sexual you don't like or don't really want to try because you think you might like it! I hope you can also kiss any kind of faking goodbye, and any kind of partner who doesn't accept you as you are (whether that means declining a sexual relationship because you want different things or enjoying one with you because they want what you do).

If you want to talk any more of this out, or talk strategies for countering any more messaging like this, we can do that with you. <3

[PishPosh997]

Hello! I'm writing to seek some help and insight about my feelings. I enjoy outercourse very much, but society is heteronormative and penetration focused, so much so that I feel like all the experiences I had with outercourse mean nothing. I first engaged in outercourse when I was 15 and have loved it ever since. I had penetrative sex later on, but it didn't make me feel the way everyone described it as this end all, be all pleasure. In fact, I didn't feel much stimulation at all and to this day have never orgasmed from it. Yet everyone around me says I have to like it and that it's possible for me to like it, but I'm just "limiting myself". The one that really hurt me was the comment that my therapist said that I faced some sort of trauma during my first time having intercourse (which is absolutely not true because I had a loving, supportive partner) and that I was too young to experience pleasure from intercourse. I felt like she invalidated my feelings and sexual preferences. I feel so alone and like I'm the only one who doesn't care for intercourse. I hate myself for not liking it and it tortures me everyday. Why can't I just be accepted by society for who I am, no matter who I am with or what I do with the person I am with? Am I abnormal for not finding pleasure in the things everyone else does? Why is society so focused on penetration? Why can't other forms of sex be accepted and validated? Will it ever get better?

Hello,

Your post sounds so similar to my life. You aren’t the only one who feels this way!

I have had two female therapists invalidate and judge my preference for liking oral sex over PIV. Therapists should be more open-minded, but I and a lot of others have experienced some really ignorant ones! Frankly, it shouldn’t be that hard to understand that some people like other sexual acts more.

I can only speak for the people I know, BUT I feel like some people exaggerate and go with the crowd when they talk about PIV being this amazing thing. The people and therapists who tried to convince me that PIV is the ultimate type of sex weren’t that impressive to me. The more I spoke to them, the more I was shocked to learn how uneducated they were about sexual variety.

I am constantly reading so many posts and threads online on various forums where women and men say that PIV isn’t their favorite. I have even met straight/bi men who prefer other oral sex over PIV. Some men have told me that they have hooked up with women who didn’t like PIV that much. Many women can’t orgasm from PIV anyway.

I have friends now who see things similar to you and I. They see other types of sex as sex. They’re smart enough to know that each person is different. So, I don’t think this preference is unusual at all. I am sorry that you’re struggling with hating yourself. I have been there myself, until I realized that it was okay to like what I like. There are many of us out there!

[thewrit3r]

You’re definitely not alone. I don’t enjoy penetration at all, it’s not bad I just get no pleasure. But you keep hearing about how intercourses is the be it all for sex which is wrong, heteronormative, and just generalizing sexuality when it’s really really broad. Outercourse is much more appealing to me. But again it’s a preference. Unfortunately you’ll always get people in your life who will tell you you’re supposed to like something anything a certain way but that’s not true. We all have differences - that’s one of the beautiful things about living in a diverse world - and it’s simply about accepting that, not judging. Unless it harms someone else it’s really no one’s business. Life’s too short not to live it how you want it