Coercion?

[iLoveHelloKitty]

Hello. I'm new to Scarleteen. I got into this website because I've been seeking support for my healing from sexual abuse in my past. Mainly my most recent from 2015-2016.

A couple years ago I was in a relationship for a year. At the beginning of the relationship the sex was wonderful but then it went downhill. He was taking advantage of me (coercing me into sex and forcibly touching me) while I was under the influence of my night medication (they mellow me out so it takes away my mental and physical capacity to resist and my speech gets slurred), but here's the other part; both when I was drugged from medication AND when I was wide awake, if I said no to sex or a certain type of sex act he would bully me into it (verbal abuse) and use coercion to make it so it was like I was his sex slave. Everything was his way and only his way. The worst thing he made me do was the doggy style position which was a discomfort to me but he didn't care. If I cried he would reprimand me. It reminded me of the book/movie, 'The Colour Purple'. Just like that girl said in the book, I'd just lay there while he took care of his business '.

Before this all happened, the same thing happened to a close friend of mine and when I told my mother about it she said it wasn't rape because he gave in. But I also hear that it is because it's wasn't consent on his terms, just like in my case it wasn't on my terms. It was on my boyfriend's terms at the time so it felt like I was of no value and he owned me. I still second guess myself which is why I hold back with talking to anyone about these things. I feel like I'm getting mixed information. Was what I went through (other than the drug effects) consensual at all?

[Sam W]

Hi iLoveHelloKitty,

What you're describing wasn't in any way consensual, and I'm so sorry your ex treated you that way. How you're feeling about what happened is completely valid and makes a lot of sense given how he treated you when you two were together. The comment your mom made is part of why we, and most other organizations, talk about enthusiastic consent: badgering or coercing someone until they "yes" isn't the same as having a partner be eager and excited to be sexual, but people who commit sexual assault will try to defend themselves by saying "well, they said yes." But the circumstances under which they said yes matter as much as the words. Too, there are still people who think that if a person doesn't resist the entire time, what happened doesn't "count" as sexual assault. But that idea is based on an inaccurate picture of what assault often looks like, and it ignores the fact that there are lots of different ways, besides force, to make someone do something they don't want. Does that help with the mixed messages a bit?

You mention you've been working on healing from what happened, which is an awesome step in taking care of yourseld. Can you give me a sense of what kinds of support you've gotten? Is there something specific we can do to help you feel supported right now (it's okay if the answer is "no" or " I don't know")?

[iLoveHelloKitty]

I've been going to counselling regularly and she is 100% on my side with this situation.

I told my mother and stepfather about the situation but they are more focused on the medication effect when they talk about it. My mum said that she didn't know it was going on and thought it was just 'peer pressure' but she did know she just has a bad memory. I don't feel like they focus on everything. Like coercion isn't as serious as the meds. The meds just made it easier to coerce me. They don't understand how much pain I went through and they never will. I'd feel more supported if the whole thing was acknowledged and it's not like one part of it is bigger than the other. So that's one thing I can think of. I appreciate your asking.

[Sam W]

I'm glad to hear you're going to counseling, that's a great step in taking care of yourself! Aside from your therapist and your immediate family, are there other people you've reached out to for support, or would like to reach out to?

You're absolutely right that the medication piece of what happened is not somehow more important than all of the other elements in the situation. Would it be helpful to use this space to brainstorm some ways you could tell your family those feelings and ask them for the support you need?

[iLoveHelloKitty]

Yes that would help a lot. I would appreciate it.

I've also told my boyfriend about the situation. He has my back on that. He treats me way better and is understanding when I'm not comfortable with something or don't want to participate at all just like I am of him. I feel like I need more support cos when I'm triggered about it and need to talk about it he gets too distracted. Like he's not fully listening. So I feel like I should just hold back. Other than that he does talk about his desire to beat him up but he wouldn't do that. He only fights in defence.

[Sam W]

Okay! To start, how about writing out what your ideal outcome of the conversation would be, along with some outcomes that you think are likely? Then, once you have those, we can brainstorm how to approach and phrase the conversation. Too, it might help to prepare yourself for the conversation not going how you want it to and how you'll take care of yourself if that turns out to be the case (even if it's likely to go well, having a plan for what happens if it doesn't can make you feel more confident going into the whole thing).

I'm glad your boyfriend supports you and is being a respectful partner. It's okay to want or need more support, even if he's a good partner, because having multiple avenues of support gives you more options when you need help (and even a good partner can't, and shouldn't, be our only way of getting emotional support). Are you thinking you'd like more professional support, like a helpline? Or are you wanting to maybe open up to some close friends about what happened?

[iLoveHelloKitty]

I will out thought into that brainstorming method.

I'm actually interested in both the helpline and opening up to friends.

Funny you should mention opening up to friends because the friend that I mentioned went through the same thing- let's call him BT- for a long time I've thought about reaching out to him and asking him questions and opening up to him. I've backed out of it several times for a couple of reasons. For one, we hang out like once or twice a year. For two, he's a busy guy with a career (in fact after breaking up with my perpetrator he harassed BT, begging him to hook me back up with him. When he called me about it, I didn't tell him what he did because I had a mental block. All I told him was that he cheated on me which was what the last straw was.), and on top of it I get nervous that it would be triggering for him. He has opened up to me about his situation though so I guess it wouldn't be the end of the world.

[Sam W]

Okay! Let's start with the helpline. The way to find a local one is usually to search "rape crisis center" or "sexual assault survivors resources" and the name of your city or county. This site also has some state and city level resources for New York that you can take a look at: http://nownyc.org/service-fund/get-help ... l-assault/

With telling your friends, it does sound like BT is the most likely to be understanding about what you're going through. Being worried about what the conversation might bring up for him is a really sound and considerate instinct, and I can see why that might make you hesitate. How would you feel about asking him if he is open to you asking questions or asking for some support, with the understanding between both of you that it's okay for him to say no or set boundaries around what things he's comfortable talking about based upon where he is in his own healing process? Beyond BT, are there other friends who you're interested in opening up to?

[iLoveHelloKitty]

My ex who I'm still good friends with to this day, she was also sexually abused and we've always been comfortable opening up to each other about anything. Even when I suffered an eating disorder, I opened up to her, but I let her know it was okay to set boundaries if it was too much for her because she suffered eating disorders as well.

[Sam W]

She sounds like a good candidate as well, given that you've been open with her about pretty intense topics with her in the past and the two of you are comfortable talking about conversational boundaries. Would it be helpful to use this space to brainstorm how you want to tell her about this?

[iLoveHelloKitty]

I reached out to her about it and she was there for me. I told her how she was right when she told me during the relationship that I was being abused.

As far as brainstorming, I would like to brainstorm more on talking to my parents about this. When my mother made that comment about my friend's situation, that was years ago, way before my situation. I don't know if she still thinks that way.

Even if the other elements of the sexual abuse wasn't rape, it was still not consensual. I know It was definitely sexually abused by my ex while also raped under the influence of my medication.

I want them to understand that my emotional trauma is mainly focused on the coercion. Specifically the time he coerced me into doing a position that was a discomfort to me, physically. Idk what the correct term for that instance was, but definitely sexual abuse, because not only I felt obligated to do it but because I was crying in pain and he said that i sounded ridiculous. I'm also traumatised by the fact that I was practically his sex slave, meaning that I had to give him his sexual needs on his terms and it was almost never on mine. For anyone to say it's consensual and I shouldn't have given in, that implies that I'm of no value and that I'm at fault.

[Sam W]

I'm so glad your friend was there for you and was supportive (and give yourself a round of applause for taking that step in caring for yourself and asking for her support)!

Okay, so let's work on some ways you could talk about with your parents. I actually think that a lot of your last paragraph is something you could say to them (it describes what happened and how it made you feel), adjusting the level of detail as feels comfortable. If sexual abuse feels like the term that will best convey what happened when you're explaining it to them, then that's the term you get to use.

Something that might help you is to figure out what, specifically, you want them to do as a result of the conversation. For instance, is there a specific type of support you hope they'll give you? Is more that you want them to know so that it doesn't feel like you're carrying around a secret? That can inform what you tell them and how you ask for what you need.

Another thing I'd recommend is to ready some self-care or other type of support for yourself that can happen after the conversation so that you can decompress from whatever happened. Can you think of some things that would work for that situation?