Bi Lady's First Relationship with a Guy

[mothman]

Hi!

So I am a bisexual woman who has only previously had sex with a girl. And that was about five years ago. I'm twenty-six now and previously had struggles trying to date, but things kept getting in the way; depression killing my libido, leftover trauma from that previous relationship dissolving primarily because of my anxiety and depression, having things going on (school, work, school again) that took priority over working on relationship stuff. I've met a guy I like more than maybe I've liked anyone? So that's great. It's great simply knowing that I CAN feel this way at all, because for a while there it didn't seem possible.

I know logically that I shouldn't be ashamed of where I'm at sexually and if he has a problem with it, that's on him. But emotionally I'm terrified that my lack of experience and the mental illness issues that muddled it up in the first place will scare him off. And even if he happens to be fine with it, I am a little nervous about having sex with someone with a penis for the first time at my age. What are some things I can do to feel more confident and less anxious about communicating honestly at all these stages?

[Siân]

Hi mothman

Welcome to the boards. It's great that you have found someone you're excited about!

You know what? Whatever your age or previous experience, being sexual with a new person for the first time can be scary-exciting. That's mostly because whatever you have or haven't done before, this is a whole new person with a whole new body. Exploring and working out what works for you two unique individuals is a journey you get to go on together, because every relationship has its own dynamic. Does that make sense?

You've already hit the nail on the head when you mentioned communication. Talking about where you're at, what you do and don't want to do and what makes you both feel good is really important to a healthy relationship and sex. This article is a great starting point: Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner. You're right that you have nothing to be ashamed of, and if this guy is as great as you hope he is he will be respectful and supportive.

[mothman]

Hey, I just first wanted to say thank you for this response. It's something I've been returning to over the past couple of months when I have doubts and insecurities.

We're taking things slow, like, REALLY slow, which I think is good for both of us but also creates this uncertain, confusing space when I have too much time to ruminate on my own. I'm trying to stay curious - and I am! I love being around him and talking to him and getting to know him, but as strongly as I feel I don't know what we are yet, and it's scary.

It's wonderful, but it's uncertain. And so many things are uncertain right now - sometimes feeling like having something nice like this feels strange when there's so much bad happening in the world. And I would like the comfort of stability and certainty. I just know I have to sit with this discomfort but it's just... eugh. I want some comfort. And with the way things are going with other spheres in my life, it feels like I'm way too busy to seek out comfort, and when I do it feels like a waste of time when I have a bunch of deadlines that can't be extended or put on hold.

I wish things were easier for a little while. But I have to live with the struggle for now.

Anyway! This was a bit of a ramble but thanks for reading.

[Heather]

sometimes feeling like having something nice like this feels strange when there's so much bad happening in the world

This is to the side of the main thing in your post here, but I just wanted to let you know I can completely relate to that sentiment. It IS a tricksy conflict right now to be having something nice in our lives when there's so much horror and struggle.

What I try and do is remind myself that whatever that big, nice thing is, it helps me to be better able to counter all the awful, and gives me a way to be supported more in doing that as best I can. I also generally think that healthy, happy interpersonal relationships better the world, so in making and nurturing those, we are, just by that token alone, countering what's awful. <3