bleeding

[nico.k]

I just had sex for the first time on Monday. Well sort of. He tried to put his penis inside of me but when he first tried to enter it hurt pretty bad that we stopped before it got all the way in. We tried again a couple minutes later and same thing. We also didn’t use any lube. Shortly after I started bleeding a little and it’s been 3 days and I’m bleeding but only a little. It also is a brown kind of discharge which I think may be old blood? I just want to know if this is normal or not. I’m a little worried.

[Heather]

I'm not seeing any cause for big concern here. It seems pretty clear there was some kind of abrasion or micro-tearing, and when that happens with genitals, because the blood vessels are so much closer to the surface than other kinds of skin -- much like with your lips when you cut or scrape them, for instance -- it's typical to have bleeding and for it to last a little bit longer than you'd expect with say, a scrape on your arm. As well, that discharge you're seeing does sound like old blood, and that's not uncommon either.

What I'd just be sure you've got from here are a couple of things: for starters, I'd have a talk about this. If and when sex hurts either of you (and that's not a feeling you want or enjoy), you want to stop straightaway, not keep going. And you'll want to get your hands on some lubricant and always use it. If you want to talk about more things that can prevent pain and injury during intercourse, I'm happy to do that.

Second, in the event that the sex you had didn't involve barriers like condoms, you'll want to both get tested soon. If that was the case and you want to talk about why safer sex is important and how to insist on that with partners, I can do that with you as well.

[nico.k]

Thank you so much! I feel a lot more calmer. Also yes I’d love to know more about how to prevent painful sex. We also didn’t use a condom and I want to get tested but I’m a little scared on how to do that with my mom because she doesn’t know I’m sexually active right now. I’m 17.

[Heather]

Can you tel me a little bit about why you didn't use a condom or lube? Was that what you wanted? Or was that about not knowing how to get those things to have them, how to insist on them with your partner, not knowing how to use them and feeling intimidated, or something else?

Have you and this partner ever sat down and talked about what you both need when it comes to -- at the very least -- the basic responsibility-side of sex together?

You don't need your Mom's permission to get tested. In Houston, you should have at least a couple different options for testing: there are Planned Parenthood branches there, for one, and also public health options. Do you want to talk about how to do this without your Mom, or would you prefer having her help? If it's the latter, we can talk about how to tell her you're sexually active and ask her for that help, if you like.

[nico.k]

We talked about it and I insisted on using a condom but he kept saying he didn’t enjoy using them because latex nor did he enjoy them in general. He said we’d be fine because he knew what he was doing and that he wouldn’t continue if we used them. I did feel a bit intimidated. Also yes it would really help if we could talk about ways to do this without my mom just until I’m ready to tell her. Thank you so much.

[Heather]

Okay, so I'm going to be straight with you.

I personally wouldn't advise staying in a sexual relationship with someone like that. I'd suggest you lose this guy. Fast.

He refused to do what you needed for super-basic sexual safety -- a thing a majority of people need, for the record, to just do the most basic things they can to help prevent infections and pregnancy -- because his pleasure is more important to him than your health and safety. That is BAD NEWS, and I'm sure it's clear why. To boot, there are nonlatex condoms, and learning how to use them so they feel good is really easy. Millions of people have figured it out just fine. Usually, when guys say they don't like condoms, it's just a b.s. line, a way to see what someone will let them get away with/a way to exert control, or about a guy who can't be bothered to just learn how to use condoms, much in the same way that say, so many women learn to do basic things for their own health management like using pads or tampons, or using various kinds of birth control.

His "knowing what he's doing" (which it sounds like he doesn't, for the record -- he didn't even know to use lube, FFS, or how to stop when a partner is in pain -- unless he means he knows how to coerce someone) doesn't keep you safe. His talking you out of what you need for your own safety makes it clear just how *unsafe* he is.

You felt intimidated because this guy shut you down and coerced you -- which is a form of sexual abuse -- into doing something you didn't want to do. It also sounds like, for whatever reason, if he was just saying he wouldn't have sex if there was a condom involved, you didn't feel able to say, "Well, I won't if there isn't one, so obviously we're just not going to have sex together." I suspect a lot of why is because this is a controlling guy, and his control is working.

Someone like this isn't likely to be someone who is going to respect your limits and boundaries period. he may even be someone who feels powerful by being able to ignore them. You're not going to be able to convince a guy like this to use condoms because he obviously just doesn't give af about anything but getting his own rocks off. And someone like that not only isn't safe, you also probably are unlikely to ever have great sex with them because someone like that isn't likely to care enough about what you want and need for sex to be pleasurable for anyone but them.

I know that's a lot to toss at you: how do you feel about that? And how do you feel about only picking sexual partners who treat you with the kinds of basic respect and consideration this guy isn't (and likely won't)?

In terms of getting tested without involving your Mom, it just mostly comes down to being able to get yourself to a clinic where you can get tested. Are you able to get yourself places by foot, bike, the bus or some other way?

[nico.k]

You’re right. He used me. He hasn’t even talked to me since then and hasn’t even checked in on me. I don’t know why I let myself do something so stupid. I just was so attracted to him I lowered my needs for his. Ugh I just feel so stupid. It was my first time too and I wasted it on someone who doesn’t even care. You put it in perspective I can’t thank you enough. As for getting myself checked out, do you know an estimate cost? I can drive there myself.

[Heather]

He's the jerk here, nico, not you. I'm so sorry. Yuck. The good news is, sex isn't a one-time-only experience, and it's full of a million first times, I promise. The other good news is that it gets a lot easier to spot these kinds of guys and their game once you had to go through it.

I don't think this is about you being stupid. I think this is about you being unfortunately attracted to an asshole, a thing that happens to most of us at least once (and to some of us, more than once, alas).

In terms of cost, if you don't have your own income, or insurance that covers testing, it may not cost you anything at public health or a Planned Parenthood clinic. What you'll want to just do is call where you are thinking about going first, and they can tell you what it might cost you. If you want help finding which is closest to you and seems best to meet your needs, I'm happy to take a look when I come in in the morning. Or you can just search something like "sexual health testing" and your zip code to find those places yourself.