I feel so bad and confused and I hurt so much

[TylerWyler]

I'm going through a breakup with this girl. We were together for a year. I loved her through probably 11 months of it, no joke. She says one day that she doesn't feel the same way anymore but she still wants to be friends. I promised her we could be friends. It hurt so much to say that. Every time we talked... I just hurt so much. The worst emotional pains I've ever felt. It took me about 2 weeks to realize being friends really wasn't in the cards for me. I tried to tell her this calmly but she was aggressive the whole time. Granted we had argued that day earlier but still. Anyway she insulted me and called me a "15 year old child" and said I was immature and irresponsible. She said I never tried for anything and all I did was say I tried. She said I was responsible for starting out fight. I took my fair share of blame. I said that I'm sorry for the part I played in starting the fight but I knew that it wasn't all me. Honestly all I did was ask if she actually meant all that stuff she said and I told her I am responsible and I'm not all those things she said I was. That was me "going off on her" apparently. And that time is dwarfed by how much she has actually blown up on me. I don't knkw what to do I feel so bad. Like it's my fault and I just don't want her to hate me but I know she does. And school is starting and I just know all her friends are going to hate me. I hate this. I just want it to be easy. Maybe i am immature. Maybe it is all my fault we had that fight. I just hate this so much

[Sam W]

Hi Tyler,

I'm sorry you're going through such a rough break-up, and that the last interaction you had with you ex left you feeling so low. If you haven't already done so, I encourage you to give this article a read and pick out some things you can try to help you cope with the break-up: Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking . Beyond that, how can we best help you right now? For instance, are you looking for specific advice our resources, or are you more in need of a space to vent?

While some people do manage to maintain happy, healthy friendships with an ex, you've unfortunately found out the hard way why trying to have that kind of relationship immediately after breaking up usually doesn't work out so well. Friendships with exes are often most successful when both people have had time to move past the break-up and any remaining romantic feelings for the other person. Recognizing that it wasn't working for you to be friends right now was actually a very sound move on your part, and it was much better to be honest about it than continue to do something that was making you unhappy.

[TylerWyler]

I suppose I'd like some advice. I've vented enough. Thank you for your help

[Heather]

Can you give us a sense of what you're looking for advice with, in particular? Like dealign with starting school right after a breakup with a classmate (which can for sure be rough af)? Or getting some resolution so you can move on after a breakup? Or how to get your own equilibrium back so you don't stay stuck in feeling crummy about yourself?

[TylerWyler]

I just want to be happy. I haven't even felt happy in so long. After all this I feel so confused. I want to start worrying about myself. For so long I have worried about how she feels and barely how I feel. I want to give myself time and care for myself but I don't know how

[Sam W]

Okay! There are a few different ways you could try approaching this. A big one is finding some ways you can practice self-care: Self-Care a La Carte . There are lots of self-care ideas in that article, but in general it helps to think about what things you've done in the past that have helped you de-stress or feel happy. Do you think you could pick out one or two self-care things to try in the next few days?

Another thing you could try is shifting some of the energy that you previously devoted to your relationship with your ex onto activities and relationships that make you feel happy and fulfilled (this article has some ideas in case you're feeling stuck: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/etc/i ... easure_101 ). For example, do you have any hobbies that you could spend some more time on right now? Are there hobbies or activities that you've always wanted to try but haven't that you could try your hand at? Are there friendships that you maybe didn't get to spend as much time on when you were dating that you can rekindle?

[TylerWyler]

Yeah I do have lots of things like that I'm planning on trying out. I plan on joining my schools service club and I love writing maybe I can do that more often. I read "Self Care a la Carte" it was helpful thank you

[Sam W]

You're welcome, I'm glad it was helpful . Both the service club and writing sound like awesome ways to redirect your time and energy, and I hope they turn out to be enjoyable for you!

Are there other things about the break up (and the aftermath of the breakup) that you'd like support or advice around? Or any other topics you've got questions about?

[TylerWyler]

Should I actively avoid my ex? I don't really know how she feels about me or anything, I'm not sure if she'd be upset if I avoided her or not. I normally wouldn't but honestly it still hurts to think about her

[Heather]

It's totally okay to take some space after a split, and that includes effort not to see someone if that's what you'd rather do. Given the way you two broke up, it's probably for the best to put some space between you, tbh. I don't imagine seeing each other is likely to be something that feels great for either of you while this is still fresh, you know?

[TylerWyler]

Thank you. We did talk once since then and luckily she doesn't hate me. That said she doesn't exactly like me either. I think that's ok though. I'm glad it ended. I'm not happy about how it ended but I could tell she wasn't as happy as she used to be and it needed to end. Thank you so much for the advice and letting me rant a little