Was i taken advantage of?

[jocelyn]

my boyfriend and i recently broke up and i’ve realized how many times i felt uncomfortable with him while we were doing anything sexual. I was wondering if you could help me. There have been times where he would put his hand down my pants and i felt so uncomfortable and i remember i would stay quiet or just not really give verbal consent, but he never really noticed how i was feeling. When we hit about our six month mark, there was an incident where he wanted me to perform oral (he is a year older than me and i think he was just more ready than i was). I had said no and pulled away while we were kissing, but he had pulled me back in. He is physically stronger than me so there wasn’t much more i could do. I said no again and that we should stop but he said please, but he said it almost like how a kid would ask for a candy or something. That’s the only way i know how to describe it. I felt like i had to do it so i did. I felt disgusting and after that incident i felt really uncomfortable around him and wanted to break up but he didn’t want me to. There was also another time,this was a little bit before we broke up, where we were kissing and things started to pick up but i stopped and wanted to leave and he kept kissing me. I did have to push him a couple times and i was really mad at him for doing that. After all this I don’t have as much confidence as i did and i don’t know if i can trust another person like that again.

[Chloé]

Hi jocelyn.

I want to start of by saying that consent is about everyone saying yes, not the absence of a no. In this article, which I'll note is targeted at guys, there is a lot of valuable information about consent. Doing things, like putting his hands down your pants without consent, physically forcing you to perform oral sex, and trying to prevent you from leaving are all forms of sexual assault. You may find it helpful to read Blinders Off: Getting a Good Look at Abuse and Assault to find out more about Assault.

Too, your ex may have actually been aware of how you were feeling; after all, someone who is enjoying themself and engaged in what is going on, and someone who isn't, is a pretty obvious difference.

Self-Care a La Carte is an article with some great ideas for how to take care of yourself if you're finding that hard to do right now.

How can we best help you with all of this?

[Sam W]

Hi Jocelyn,

To add on to what Chloe said, I want to emphasize that how your ex treated you was so, so not okay, and I'm so sorry that was something you had to go through (and I'm also glad to hear this is someone you're no longer with). You mention that your confidence and trust have taken a hit, and that's completely understandable given what happened. When someone who's supposed to be respectful of you instead treats you like and object and forces you to do things, it can leave you feeling like your barometer for "who can I trust to be safe" has been thrown out of whack.

I also want to ask if you've reached out for support anywhere else, including to people like friends and family. If not, is that something you're interested in doing? And how are you feeling in general now that you're reflecting on what happened and realizing that it was coercive and not okay?

[jocelyn]

Thank you so much for your help, and yes i have reached out to friends. My closest guy friends know about this and they are the most supportive of me. I am very grateful to have them. I am scared to open up about this to my mom, though, because i don’t want her to know that i did that stuff. I know it’s an important thing for her to know, but i don’t want her to see me any differently.

[Sam W]

You're so welcome! I'm so glad you were able to tell your friends and that they're being supportive of you . Would it be helpful to use this space to come up with a way to talk about this with your mom? Telling a parent can definitely feel intimidating, even if you know it's ultimately something you want them to know. Can you tell me a little more about those fears about her seeing you differently? For example, has she expressed negative opinions about people who've gone through similar situations?