Sex Isn't Pleasurable

[Alice25]

Hi there! So lately I just started having sex again after not having it for about a year. This is the second sexual partner that I have had. He is really sweet and really awesome and I am easily turned on when we start to become intimate. Oral sex feels amazing, manual sex feels alright (depending on how much pressure he applies), but vaginal sex just feels...well blah. I know that I can orgasm because I do it all of the time when I masturbate (always via the clitoris or G spot), but I have never reached the Big O or even a Small O during intercourse. However, I can definitely say it was way more uncomfortable with my first partner because 1) he never wanted to use lube (I just don't think he wanted to pay for it), and 2) he would want to have sex two or three times in one night, which kind of became a problem because my body just couldn't produce enough lubrication to handle all of that penetration and friction. So I never even came anywhere near having an orgasm with him. This new guy, it's definitely better with, but it still isn't the pleasurable sex that everyone I know talks about. It's not really that it's painful. It's just...well not really pleasurable either. I know this might sound weird, but sometimes I feel like I'm going to have a bowel movement when there is too much thrusting going on. Is that normal? I have read up on it a bit and some women have also experienced this feeling, so I know I'm not the only one. Again, not a painful feeling, just a little, well, uncomfortable. I have tried several different positions with this new guy of mine (which is nice because my ex always stuck to two positions) and there were two that we tried that actually felt good, but the rest of them didn't do anything for me. I know that I don't have any STI's because I was checked recently for them and all of the results came back negative. It's not like anything is out of the ordinary because this happened with my first sexual partner a year ago. I was wondering if maybe stress and not completely feeling relaxed could play a part in this? I am often stressed and sometimes I do get stressed about sex because I have never done it with many guys because I think it is something to value with the right person and to not just throw around. The way my last relationship lasted did make it extremely hard for me to open up completely to a guy after, but I am really trying with this new guy. Could my lack of pleasurable sex be my mentality? Do I need to relax more? Also could jumping into intercourse and not doing enough foreplay prior to heavy amount of thrusting be a reason too? Any ideas, advice, or suggestions on what might be the problem and how I might be able to try and make it more pleasurable? I really like this guy and I just hate how I'm not enjoying it as much as I should be. Anything you can suggest would be much appreciated and thank you!

[Johanna]

Welcome to Scarleteen, Alice25.

I want to start with something that you say in your last line, which is that you are not enjoying sex as much as you "should". I think that right there is key to at least some of what is going on here, the idea that there is something specific way that sex should happen and that it should feel like. Because there really, really isn't. What sex looks like and how it feels varies, not just from person to person but with each time you have sex. So trying deliberately to make something happen is not a sound idea not only because it is unlikely to yield results that actually feel good to you, but also because there really isn't a 'norm' that you can try to emulate.

So my first suggestion would be that you try to let go of any expectations of what sex should feel like, and instead focus on what you enjoy.

Another thing I'd suggest is that you think about what sex means to you. It seems to me that in your post, when you talk about sex, what you mean is intercourse. And while that is certainly a sexual activity, it is only one of many possible ways to have sex. What's more, it is also generally not the one that will bring people with vaginas to orgasm. So, I want to link you to a couple of articles that I think you might helpful here: What's Sex?
The Great No-Orgasm-from-Intercourse Conundrum

And lastly, I want to ask how you sex with your partner happens. Are you generally pretty turned on and aroused before you even get started? Are you interested in being sexual at those moments?

[Alice25]

Thanks Johanna! Your advice has really helped me out so far. To answer your question, I am always extremely aroused whenever we're just fooling around (which is always what happens before intercourse). Once we start making out and touching each other, I get really turned on and I'm always down for oral (giving or receiving) or even just manual sex. I guess it's just the whole intercourse part that I'm always not as thrilled about. It's not because I'm not into him (because I really am). It's just that I guess I don't find it as pleasurable as oral or manual sex. I've heard that a lot of women can't orgasm on intercourse alone and might need some manual sex throw into the mix too. I always achieve orgasm through manual sex because its easy to give attention to my clitoris that way. Maybe that would be worth a shot to try. Or I think maybe if I asked my partner if we could take the whole intercourse part a little slower, that might help. I feel like sometimes when we jump right into a position too fast, that it tends to not feel as good to me. But yes, I'm usually always in the mood when we are intimate, however, there might be once or twice every now and then when I'm not into it as much as other times.

[Johanna]

So what you are saying is that you DO find sex pleasurable - manual sex and oral sex are sex as well, that is why they are called that And not everyone is into every single sexual activity out there. We all have our preferences, things we like more than others. So it is perfectly alright to not find intercourse super exciting, and you do not need to push yourself into having intercourse if it's not doing anything for you. Do you think you can talk to your partner about that? Can we help you with figuring out how to start that conversation?

[Alice25]

Yes! I do find sex pleasurable, I guess just not vaginal sex. However, I don't want to give up on that form of sex entirely. There were two positions that I really did enjoy that we tried, just a handful of them I didn't. I also haven't had vaginal intercourse much. I've only engaged in that type of sex with two guys and only a few times with this new guy. So I don't think I need to completely say no to it right now. But I would like to figure out if there is a way I can bring this up with my partner so I can communicate with him about how I am feeling. I would really love some advice on how I can start that conversation. Thank you so much!

[Emma]

Hey Alice! Maybe you could print this sexual inventory checklist, one for you and one for your partner! It may seem a bit unsubtle, but open, blatant communication about sex is a surefire way to prepare you both for your next sexual encounter--you'll both know exactly what the other one wants and you can figure out compromises and discuss ideas ahead of time! Communication is a great aphrodisiac.

[Johanna]

Also this piece should be helpful for you: Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner

And you never 'need' to say no to anything, I was just making sure you know that you CAN say no if you want to. There is no pressure either way! And of course, if you're still new to intercourse and you've tried some positions that did not work and tried some that worked better, it is absolutely okay to keep experimenting and trying to see what feels best to you. Getting to know your own body and that of your partner is part of the fun, after all.