'Good at sex'

[Jacob]

So two things came together in my brain yesterday:

Firstly, I'm not dating anyone at the moment and not really looking to
Secondly, I was in a yoga class and I just felt annoyed that my body was struggling.

For a split second I put these things together and thought "How can I expect to be any good in bed if I can't do x-movement, or y-stretch, or z-pose, no wonder I'm scared to date."

It was a really negative idea, and I caught myself, repeating things to myself that i really don't believe intellectually.

Like...

1. Sex is a test of how 'good' you are at it.
2. That it's shameful to not be 'good' at it
3. That being 'good at sex' is a matter of physical ability
4. That your partner's role is to judge you
5. That not wanting sex/relationships is a flaw

As it happens I don't think any of those things are true, and some of it is really ablist and otherwise problematic. I need to do some work to remind myself of that. Writing it out, replacing it with more positive ideas when I am mid yoga pose... like saying "Hey this is my body, it's cool" while doing an awkward wobbly 'Warrior 1'.

Do you guys catch yourselves in similar negative thoughts?

Do you do anything to re-write those internalised narratives?

[Mo]

Because of some physical limitations, and worries that as a trans person my body may not align with someone's expectations and/or desires, I do sometimes have thoughts where I worry about not being a "good" sexual partner. It can also be easy for me to think back on sex with someone and wonder "wait, was that even good for them the way it was for me? Did I mess up somewhere?"

One thing that's helped me is actually doing a lot of work on improving my communication with sexual partners about what I want from sex and trying to establish an environment of openness around sex. That way I can feel confident in my ability to talk about what I want and what works for me, and I can trust that my partners are doing the same thing and letting me know those things about them. If I feel like a partner's not telling me something then it's much easier to worry I'm not doing it "right" since I don't know what they want!

[Jacob]

Good points!

When you talk about communication it's a reminder that an enjoyable rewarding experience is about the space that people create together rather than their separate attributes.

[curious631]

PM if you'd like:)

[Jacob]

Hi curious, we don't have a PM feature on the message boards (I have removed your other posts of this nature). This is message board for discussion and advice around sexuality.