how to get over fear

[mcgintysquire]

hi there -

I have read multiple articles on your website, and know that they are completely accurate, and they are reassuring. I just am not sure why I keep getting scared that I could be pregnant when I know that I am not. every time I get scared I read your articles and I am okay, but I just don't know how to keep my mind from getting to that place where I freak out. I have really irregular periods so that scares me a lot, and also I didn't hit puberty till I was about 17 so my body is still changing, so I get scared that some of the changes mean I am pregnant even though I know I am not. I have never done any of the things that you guys classify in your article as "some risk" or "definite risk", yet for some reason I always convince myself that I had a risk even though I KNOW I didn't. I am sorry this is all very confusing, I just want to know if you have any tips on how I can prevent myself from getting to that freak out point for literally no reason. I am in a relationship and me and my boyfriend have only ever done things on the no risk section of your pregnancy scare article so I know I shouldn't worry. he is also very cautious as to not have any risks, and I trust him, I just can't explain why I get so scared. sorry for such a long message, I just am getting annoyed with myself.

[Heather]

Let’s see what we can do to help.

Can I ask if you *want* to do the things you are with your boyfriend? Do you/have you yourself initiated some of those things, or has it been only or mostly him?

Also, any sense of when this started? When was the first time you remember it happening?

Too, how supported and safe do you feel around any of this at home? Is it okay you’re doing sexual things, or is that hidden? If you did become unintentionally pregnant, how would that go, do you think? How have you been supported at home when it comes to puberty and other related changes?

[mcgintysquire]

Yes I do want to do these things with him, and I have initiated some. he also makes sure I am okay with things if I don't initiate it and if I am not okay with it, he respects that and it isn't pushed in the slightest.

I think this started in January maybe, when things started moving faster with me and him. I think I might have gotten scared almost because it was the first time I had ever really done more than hugging and kissing. he is my first serious relationship. so I was okay with things but it was new and different.

I am not really sure how my parents would feel. I mean we are a religious family so it is clear that premarital sex is not acceptable; I am not planning to have sex but other things do happen. I am not sure that my dad or anyone on his side of the family would really approve. it would go really awfully if I became unintentionally pregnant at this point in my life. I am going into my second of 6 years of college and am only 19, and also not married. I would honestly for sure get kicked out of my house if that happened. I am fully supported with puberty and such, but it is clear that sex is not acceptable until marriage.

I think that I may feel guilty after I do things because I have been taught that I "shouldn't" be doing them. I do take my religion seriously, so I guess I feel like a fake christian when I do these things, so if I did become pregnant, I would be disgusted with myself. my boyfriend is not religiously affiliated in the slightest so he obviously has no guilt when it comes to these things. however he does fully support the fact that I am religious and encourages it. I think I am maybe confused; I want to do these things with my boyfriend but I feel like I shouldn't be doing them, and that it makes me a bad christian, bad daughter, bad whatever to the rest of my extended family.

this is completely a new part of the topic, but I have been having a lot of gi issues that are causing cramps, constipation, nausea, etc so I keep getting scared that they are due to pregnancy even though I know that they are not. I was in the hospital at one point because the issues were so severe, and they had to do a pregnancy test before they took an X-ray, just because I guess they have to. it obviously came back negative, so that should've reassured me as it was taken 1.5-2 weeks after the last time I had done anything with my boyfriend, and I haven't done anything with him since because we are in a long distance relationship. the test was taken on July 1st, I did stuff with him in the middle-end of June, and now my period is due in a few days and I keep getting scared it won't come and my worst fear would be confirmed....however the only thing we had ever done was fingering ( I keep getting scared he had either the smallest amount of precum or semen on his finger, even though he said he didn't, and he is very trustworthy) but your articles say that this is not a real risk of pregnancy which I fully believe, I just don't know why I keep freaking myself out. my best friend even had me take a home pregnancy test on July 14th which also came back negative so I don't know why I can't just accept that I am fine.

I am sorry for such a long response and such a long explanation at the end.

[Heather]

Thanks for sharing all of this. No need for apologies: more information is helpful.

So, it sounds to me, reading this, like a few things are going on that are probably the main why's of how you have been feeling:

1) It sounds like the pace of some of this has probably been faster than is really right for you, which is maybe what those feelings are trying to tell you in part. How might you feel about taking a couple steps back and slowing things down?
2) It sounds likely your family isn't at all okay with what you're doing, that it is something you have to hide and that you have fears around that. It's something you obviously can't even talk about, and where certain outcomes might result in really scary things like not having a place to live. Shame and fear and guilt like that often plays a big part in this kind of fear.
3) You are already in a big body-mystery (the GI stuff), which probably adds to this as well.

In other words, it all seems pretty obvious to me why you are probably feeling like this.

I do think slowing things down is probably the easiest and best thing you could try right now. Maybe just see what happens if you spend a few weeks or months (or however long you want) not doing ANY of the things that seem to cue up these fears?

[mcgintysquire]

That makes a lot of sense, and I kind of was thinking the same thing when I was writing my previous response to you. You are right on with your interpretation I think. I am seeing my boyfriend this weekend for the first time in a month (though we have been talking every day so he knows that I have been stressed) so I will make sure to try what you suggested, and take a step back. I want to be able to enjoy these things because I do want to do them, and of course it is enjoyable, I just hate that it makes me feel so guilty. every time it's over I feel so wrong for having done them, even though in reality there is really nothing wrong with doing it. I don't know, it is pretty confusing. thank you for your good advice!

[Heather]

Glad to be of help.

One thing I'd add is that I think when your fears ARE essentially reasonable -- and these are, what's NOT reasonable is the idea you can be pregnant when you haven't even done the pregnant-making things -- just validating them can sometimes go a long way.

In other words, think of fears like people trying to get your attention because they really need something from you: that's what reasonable fears are, they are your brain trying to get your attention. And in this case, I think there are some things you probably need to pay attention to, or adjust, or make allowances for for your mental health and well-being. Going faster sexually then really feels right isn't great for our sexualities or psyches or relationships. Having to hide a whole sexual life because of fears of being kicked out or shamed sucks. A lot. Being worried about one area of your health (the GI stuff) is a lot more stressful if you're worrying about another area of it, and cutting that extra stress out if you can is a good thing. See what I mean?

So maybe even just spend a little time the next couple days reminding yourself you're not ultimately being irrational here: your feelings come from real, big things. They're real and they even make a lot of sense. It's understandable you have them, and it's also even maybe a little smart (again, save the misattributing them as about pregnancy).

Would you like to also talk a little about how to start working through sexual guilt and shame? I am on-call today only (and shortly, only with my phone), so I probably won't be able to really dig in until tomorrow, but if you'd like to talk about that, I'd be glad to. Doing what you can to dial that down, no matter your sex life, is always something good to do for yourself and that generally really helps people out.

[mcgintysquire]

That does make a lot of sense. I will be sure to think of all of this the next time I get freaked out, and will definitely slow things down a bit.

Yes, I would love to be able to talk about that. I think it would really help, thank you! Because eventually I would like to work that back into my relationship but without the guilt.

[Heather]

Absolutely! If you want to be sexual with a partner (this one or anyone else), and it's sounded like you do, and feel good about it, the hope is that doing things more at your pace, and some other things, can hopefully get you there in time. And hopefully sooner, rather than later: even with something that you'll probably still do like making out, you should be able to feel good about it when it feels good, not scared or guilty or shameful.

Can you talk a little bit more about how it was for you growing up and how it is still when it comes to messages and modeling from your family around sex and sexuality? It'd help me to have a fuller picture, and just talking more about it will probably start to give you some clarity and see some things you can work with all by itself.

[mcgintysquire]

Okay, that makes sense. I'll be sure to slow it down the next time I see him.

As soon as I was old enough to know about sex and such, my parents made it clear that, as christians, sex was for marriage, and even showed me passages in the Bible about it. I have no problem with that, especially because I know I would not be able to handle the anxiety around it at this point, with all the possible risks. however it was also clear that basically anything other than hugging, kissing, handholding, etc was too much and also essentially a sin. so basically there has been a whole taboo around everything which is probably why I am so scared. writing this out though, I feel like I have come to realize myself that the guilt may be from knowing that even though I do want to do this stuff, I should probably wait, just for myself, because my religion is still important to me.

also, this is of a completely different note, but can stress cause a late period? because I have been extremely stressed about all of this lately (to the point of me waking up every morning in a panic, and not being able to sleep well and having near panic attacks over it). I have all of my normal symptoms of right before my period but I was supposed to get it yesterday and it didn't come. my friend who I was with yesterday wanted to try to reassure me by making me take a pregnancy test and it was negative which did reassure me, but I was wondering if stress is the most likely reason for my late period.

[Chloé]

Hey mcgintysquire,

When you say:

even though I do want to do this stuff, I should probably wait, just for myself, because my religion is still important to me.

That sounds pretty clearly to me like you've figured out what you want to do, or rather not do. Have I got that right?

Do you know exactly where you're comfortable drawing the line? For instance, are you okay with kissing, or is that something you don't want to do at this time? It can be really helpful to figure where you want to set boundaries ahead of time, because then in the moment you just have to remember what you wanted when there wasn't as much pressure.

If you're going to be taking a step back from physical intimacy with your partner, would it be helpful to discuss how you'd like to approach talking to him about it?

Is there any other aspect of this that you'd like to address?

[mcgintysquire]

yes I believe I have figured it out, and I think I have drawn boundaries for myself at this time too. thank you for offering, but I think I know what I am going to say and how to approach it. he is very understanding so I am not too worried at all. I think I have resolved my issues at this point. thank you both for talking me through this. I really appreciate it, and the fact that you all are so understanding, since I can't really talk to my family about this stuff, and my friends do not always know how to help, since they never get these feelings. I will be sure to keep in mind all of the things you have talked to me about. thank you again for all of your help and time, I really appreciate it!

[Chloé]

You're most welcome, I'm glad to hear that you have figured out what is going to work for you.

Please don't hesitate to come back if there is ever anything else you'd like to discuss .

[Heather]

I’m happy to continue the conversation we just started about working through shame and religious conflicts if you like, just let me know. (I can’t tell from the exchange you just had if you do or don’t.)

[mcgintysquire]

Yes please I would like to continue

[Heather]

Of course. It's been a couple weeks since we last talked: is there anything new we should add to the conversation?

[mcgintysquire]

Well I had done what you suggested. And was feeling fine and got over the fear. But then my bf and I started up again but I just can't shake the fear. It comes back every time even though I know it's irrational. I'm going to keep holding off. I think I have anxiety issues

[Heather]

That's entirely possible. It's also totally possible for religious shame abound sex to result in anxiety: it happens often to a whole lot of people. The more messages you got growing up -- and do still, if you do -- about sex being wrong or not okay, the more anxiety you're likely to have about it. That kind of messaging can really sink in deep, particularly since it's got fingers in such loaded areas: sex, religion, and also usually, family. Yipes. That's some of the heaviest of things.

I do think it's not been very long to take a break, given the magnitude of your feelings.

You never really filled me in when I asked on how it was for you growing up when it came to your upbringing, your community, and sex. Can you do that for me now? Sometimes just talking about it where you're supported (and not shouted or shamed down) can do a lot right from the start. Getting specific about all of this can also help you (and me, as someone helping you here) get a handle on what you might need to counter those specific messages or the way they were delivered, and to heal from them and their impact on your sexuality and sex life.

[mcgintysquire]

I am not sure if I am 100% sure what you are asking (it has been a long week haha) but I was brought up with the expectation that any kind of sex is frowned upon until marriage. even a few weeks ago my dad brought up that oh even if you aren't having actual sex you can still get pregnant and I guess that scared me again, even though I know for sure that what I did wouldn't cause that. in my house it is perceived as sinful or dirty if you do things other than hugging, kissing, holding hands etc before marriage. I grew up in a very strict household, where I had to do everything my dad wanted of me (chores, academic decisions, etc) or else I would get in trouble and there would be lots of tension for days, which I tried to avoid. my boyfriend had gone on vacation with us and mentioned that it seemed like I lived in a household where my dad controlled everything, and now that I think about it it makes sense: a lot of the nightmares I have are of my dad yelling at me for things that are kind of dumb and that most parents wouldn't care about, maybe this is why I get so scared. I know that the things I've done have no risk to me in what I am afraid of.

[Sam W]

Hi mcgintysquire,

I just wanted to let you know that Heather will likely be gone until Monday, but that this answer has been seen and this conversation hasn't been buried.

[mcgintysquire]

Thanks so much

[Heather]

Sorry to be coming back late to this. Thanks for sharing all of that for me. That's important context.

It certainly sounds like what your Dad thinks or wants has a big impact on you, and given how vocal he has been with messages about sex that instill both shame and fear (and make sex shameful or not-okay in and of itself), this is probably a big part of why you have been having the feelings you have been. These kinds of messages tend to have a really big impact on people's sexual lives, and can be really hard to unlearn, especially if -- as they so often are -- they're paired with any kind of abuse (like emotional or verbal abuse) and/or control. All the more so when that comes from a very influential person, like a parent.

Have you ever tried any kind of counseling or therapy just to process and move forward from the way that you were parented overall? If not, is that something you might be open to? I think it could be very helpful.

I'd also suggest two books for you I think could be helpful. Those are, "Sex Smart: How Your Childhood Shaped Your Sexual Life," by Alene Zoldbrod and "What You Really, Really Want," by my friend Jaclyn Friedman. I think both could be great starting points to help you start working through this and to give you some alternate frameworks and ways of thinking about all of this.

[mcgintysquire]

yeah I will definitely look into those books! they see helpful. I have a question about a current period right now if you are able to answer it, and also one additional question. in the past, my dr thought I had pcos but I had no cysts. I have always had irregular periods and missed them for months or years at a time. now, they are extremely irregular and I think I missed this one too. June and July they came late, but now I am on day 50 of this cycle with no signs of it coming. I keep having sharp intense pain near my left ovary. I have changed my diet and exercise a lot and may have lost a few pounds and have been very stressed. but these pains are scaring me a lot. dumb old me got afraid after grinding again last month (because my shorts were wet after but that was probably from me because he said he didn't ejaculate and we had 4 layers on, and obviously sperm can't get through that) so my friend lent me a pregnancy test and it was a false positive (but a very very faint line). I have never had sex, only grinded and the thing mentioned above so I know I am not pregnant. but I read that cysts and pcos could cause this result and these symptoms. what do you make of this?

also an important question about my boyfriend. in the past I have expressed to him that these kind of things sort of make me nervous and said I wanted to hold off for a bit. he got mad, well upset mostly, and said people don't just back away like that after being okay with things for months. and he acted like I was about to break up with him because his ex told him she didn't want to kiss him anymore right before she broke up with him. but this is completely different. I am kind of afraid to discuss it with him because I don't want him to get upset again. I know he loves me and I love him too, he just gets really anxious because the girl he dated before me was awful to him and he doesn't want to deal with it again. this is why I only took a short break from doing things, I convinced myself I was comfortable with it but I don't think I am if I keep getting so freaked out afterwards. rationally I know I am not pregnant. but that test scared me. I think there is something medically wrong with me that that keeps happening and I have never done anything with a risk of pregnancy.

[mcgintysquire]

I just looked at the tests again and the line is not there anymore. I think I need to see a counselor about anxiety or something

[Sam W]

Hi mcgintysquire,

Since it looks like we covered the conversation with your boyfriend on text, would you like to move the conversation here and talk about how to find a counselor? Of course, if you need more help with talking with your boyfriend, we can cover that here as well.