I Feel Wrong to Say I Was Sexually Assalted

[TigerLily]

When I was a young girl, around 8 or 9 years old, I was assalted by the son of my mom's former best friend. There were only two incidents, once he touched me inappropriately and another where I was tied up in a "game" and touched and spanked.

I told my mom about everything and never saw him again. But now, as a teenager, I often look back and feel that what happened to me, even though I know it was non consensual, wasn't that bad. There are so many people out there hurt far worse than me, and I feel wrong to say that I was a victim of sexual assault when really I got off kind of easy.

Even writing this I feel weird about it. Am I just pushing myself down though?

[Sam W]

Hi TigerLily,

I'm sorry that you went through that, but glad that you were able to tell an adult about what was happening and have that adult take it seriously. That took a lot of courage on the part of younger you.

If it helps to know, you're not the first person to question whether they're "allowed" to call what happened to them sexual assault because what they experienced seems less severe than what some other survivors went through. And while some people may see it as you having "gotten off easy" that doesn't erase the fact that someone chose to do things to you without your consent. The fact that other people have experienced different forms of sexual assault doesn't negate what happened to you, and you calling yourself a survivor of sexual assault doesn't erase or diminish what happened to other survivors. Does that make sense? Are there specific fears or feelings you have about calling what happened sexual assault, or is it more that general feeling that what happened didn't count?

[TigerLily]

I guess in my head I just always feel like I'm being almost dramatic, if you know what I mean. What happened to me doesnt bother me at all on a day-to-day basis, but when I stop and think about it I feel sad. Just writing about it made me feel sad even though I can't remember much of anything about it. But I guess I feel the memory of my sadness or something.

[Sam W]

Got it. I think it's a really common idea, one that a lot of survivors internalize, that if they're not experiencing regular trauma or unpleasantness as a result of what happened then it wasn't that big deal. But people process and deal with assaults in all sorts of ways, and one way isn't more "correct" than another. So, if sexual assault feels like the right term to describe what happened, you get to use it. And, for what's it worth, when I read your account your way of describing it doesn't read to me as you being dramatic or overreacting to what happened.

That sadness you're feeling is totally understandable. Even if you can't remember the details of what happened, whatever emotional reaction you had to it probably stuck around. So when you think about those incidents, that emotional reaction floats to the top of your awareness. Do you feel like you have ways of coping with that sadness when it pops up?

[TigerLily]

No, I kind of just avoid it and find something to do instead. I mean thinking more about why I'm sad because of my past assault doesn't make me feel any better so I might as well think of other things

[Sam W]

Finding something else to do is actually a great way to approach that sadness! Especially if you find that dwelling on the emotion hasn't been helpful for you.

Are there other things you'd like to talk about with this situation, or questions you have about other topics?

[TigerLily]

No, I think I feel kind of better now actually. Thank you.

[Sam W]

You're so welcome! I'm glad we were able to help you feel better.