I can't get this out of my head...

[reyna101]

The other day, I wasn't doing much. I was shopping for a hair curler, nothing special. So I was surprised when a 20-something year old came up beside me and winked. He introduced himself, and then proceeded to touch my butt. I wasn't comfortable with that at all. I tried to walk away, told him I wasn't interested, even. But he followed me around the store, asking me why repeatedly. He told me he'd treat me like a lady, that he'd be the best boyfriend I'd ever had- all while stroking my arm, ass, or hair. I don't look my age. I'm fifteen, but I still look like I'm about 12. I've never been hit on before- probably for that reason. But the guy looked to be about 25, maybe older, and that's what concerned me so much. I know ages and appearances don't always match up, but there's no way he was within five years of my age. The worst part of it was that I was at the store with my mom, and the entire car ride home, I felt incredibly ashamed, and dirty. Just thinking about it makes my stomach turn. I feel so guilty, shameful, and gross. As soon as he started touching me, I should have walked out, or at least found my mother, but I didn't want her to see me with this guy. As I said, I've never been hit on in public before, and I just can't get it out of my head. I can't explain why I feel so gross about it when it's not my fault. I know there's nothing I can do about it, but why do I feel like this? Somehow, I think that I'm supposed to be flattered someone disinterested in me, but I feel disgusted and gross. How do I deal with this?

[Siân]

Hey reyna,

Welcome to the boards! I'm sorry that this is what brought you here. This guy sounds like a total creep and clearly and repeatedly violated your boundaries in a totally unacceptable way. I'm sorry that you had to deal with it.

I can relate to that feeling of being ashamed and guilty and totally grossed out. It really wasn't your fault - this person chose to grope a stranger without permission which is never ok and that is totally on them. You didn't do anything wrong; it's unfortunately really common for people to freeze, or try to be polite and hope someone will go away even when someone is acting in a way that is clearly wrong. It would be wrong even if you were of a similar age, but it's doubly so with the difference in your ages (and apparent ages) you're describing.

It sounds like maybe you felt a little confused as you haven't had people flirt with you in public before. For the record, this doesn't sound to me like flirting or hitting on someone in a respectful way, it sounds like he was being pushy and gross. Respectful flirting shouldn't make you feel uncomfortable, or scared, and it isn't people touching and following you in a way you don't want. Respectful flirting might be something like someone (your own age!) smiling and saying hi or starting a conversation and seeing if you want to continue that conversation - and dropping it if you don't. Does that make sense?

I'm sorry that you feel this way because someone acted in a way that wasn't ok. I wouldn't feel flattered either - it doesn't sound like they were treating you as a whole person but being pretty exploitative.

Would it help you feel better if we talked a bit about strategies for dealing with this kind of thing if it ever happens again? To be clear, that isn't about any of this being your fault; sometimes it helps us feel safer and move forward if we have an idea of ways we can respond to unacceptable behaviour.