Was this sexual abuse or I'm overreacting?

[JackHamilton]

I'm 23 years old,transman (man in woman's body).When I was 19,my grandpa with who I'm living with,often just came to me and touched my boobs without asking.One time he came to me and whispered to my ear: "Are you wearing a bra?" He was sexually excited when he was touching my boobs.My mum said that that's normal and that that's how he just is.Is my mum right?

[Siân]

Hi Jack,

No-one gets to touch your body - especially in a sexual way - without asking. I'm sorry that this happened to you and that instead of supporting you your mum acted like it's ok - it isn't. How do you feel about this now? What do you need from us just now?

[JackHamilton]

Well I am angry that this happened,even though it's been 4 years since then.And also because it reminds me of something else.I'm like a bit late in development,like I have normal IQ and I'm not autistic but every doctor I talked to and my parents say I began my "mental" puberty when I was around 18,at that age I was still a child (legally I was adult though).And I hooked up with this 27 year old man,who was a bad person.He called me his little boy,because he knew I wasn't mentally developed like my peers did (my cousin is that way,too,maybe it's genetics?).Anyway we tried vaginal sex but it hurt me so we gave up.Then he proposed oral sex.Me giving him BJ.I said no multiple times but he kept pressuring me.He came closer to me with his penis and I made a 'disgusting face' (because it was awful to me) but he just kept smiling and saying to blow him and to kiss his penis.I stopped saying no (but I didn't say yes either) and I just kinda bended (if that's the right word,I am from south-eastern Europe and my primary language isn't english) and opened my mouth and did it.The moment I put 'it' in my mouth I felt awful.....
All I knew about sex was from movies. Also,when I told him about this 15 year old girl i kissed (i shouldn't have,I was drunk so),he suggested threesome with her,even though that would be illegal.Also,he once asked me if i wanted drugs.

[Sam W]

Hi Jack,

I'm so sorry that person chose to do those things. What you're describing fits the definition of sexual assault, especially the part where he kept bothering you until you gave in (as you pointed out, you didn't say "yes" to what he wanted, and consent is the presence of a "yes" and not the absence of a "no"). Have you ever spoken to anyone about what happened with this person or gotten any formal kind of support?

With what your grandfather did, it's completely understandable that you still feel angry about it (and that it makes you think of what happened with that other person, since both are instances of someone doing something sexual to you without your consent). Someone who should have been a safe, comfortable person to be around chose to violate your boundaries, and when you told someone in the position to protect you about it they failed to do so and tried to minimize what happened. Those are all things it makes sense to be angry about (and even if they weren't, you would still get to feel how you feel). Am I right that in your first post you say you're still living in the same space as this grandfather? If that's the case, how safe do you feel around him right now?

[JackHamilton]

I talked to one of my psychiatrists,while I was in a mental hospital,and she said that because I was a child in my mind, and he knew that I was,and was an adult without developmental issues,that that was sexual assault,even though I am of legal age.That's what she said.

I haven't mentioned it to her that he was bothering me about oral sex.I simply thought that was legal.

I don't know how he succeeded that,to make me do what I didn't wanna do.Is it still wrong if we consider the fact that later I did want oral sex and then I said yes? It's just the first time I said no.

Yes,I still live with that grandfather,but he is not attracted to me anymore,since I am transitioning into male,have facial hair,deep voice etc.He is not a threat anymore.

[Sam W]

Got it, I wanted to make sure your grandfather was not an immediate threat to your safety (although it's still not great that someone who abused you is being allowed to live in your house).

I'm not sure about the specific laws in your area, so I can't completely confirm what your psychiatrist said. But, what I can say is that even without any age of consent issues, what he did was still sexual assault because he didn't respect your no and instead kept pushing until you said yes. In order for consent to count, it has to be freely and enthusiastically given, and that doesn't sound like what happened in that first instance ( if you're interested, this article has a bunch more information on consent: Driver's Ed for the Sexual Superhighway: Navigating Consent ) .

With oral sex, are you saying the first time he asked you said no but ended up doing it anyway because he kept asking, but there were times after that where he asked and you were excited to do it and said yes?

[JackHamilton]

With oral sex, are you saying the first time he asked you said no but ended up doing it anyway because he kept asking, but there were times after that where he asked and you were excited to do it and said yes?

Yes,First time,I said no but he kept pushing it so I just got quite and did it.Later that day,or a week later (sorry,I can't remember) we did it again but I gave consent to it.

[Sam W]

Got it, thank you for clarifying. So, even if you ended up wanting to have oral sex later on, that doesn't change the fact that the first time he coerced you into doing it. Wanting something in one instance doesn't mean are going to (or should) want it in every instance. Does that make sense?

You asked about how he was able to make you do something you didn't want. In this instance, it sounds like he kept asking and asking until you said no in order to get him to stop asking. That's a common tactic that coercive partners use, where they basically wear the other person down until it's easier to say "yes" to a thing they don't actually want in order to get the other person to stop asking than to keep saying "no." Does that help in understanding what happened?

[JackHamilton]

Yes,that makes a lot of sense.

Yes,I understand.But isn't it my fault? I did it,he was tampering me (again,not American,I hope tamper is the right word) but in the end I was the one who did it.Coaxing someone for sex or something sexual is legal,after all....

[Siân]

Hi Jack,

No, it isn't your fault. Coercion - coaxing someone into sex when they don't want it - is always wrong and in many places is also against the law.

It's only possible to give consent if saying no is also an option that will be accepted. In a caring relationship (even a casual one) both partners can say no to anything sexual at any time - even if they wanted it before or are changing their mind at the last minute.

Did you read the piece on consent Sam linked you to? What did you think?

[JackHamilton]

I didn't read it to be honest because it was too much text

I think that it's OK if lets say a boyfriend says to his girlfriend "i want oral" and she says: "no" and then he suggests oral again and she says yes and if she said yes because she CHANGED HER MIND but NOT if she was put under a lot of pressure to say yes.Like,it's ok to change your mind,even if the person asked multiple times for her "yes" but it's ONLY ok if that person really changed her mind and was completely ready to do that and give her consent to it (oral sex,in this example).But if she only did it because of pressure and anxiety her boyfriend put on her than it's assault.Would you agree?

I guess that was in my case.I was put under pressure for oral and I had a face that was showing repulsion and fear and said no few times but he came closer to me and i felt a lot of anxiety and WHILE I was bending to put his penis in my mouth my face was STILL showing repulsion and fear.He was just smiling this whole time

I don't know why I agreed on it second time but the second time was completely with my consent.

I have to ask you are you 100% SURE that what happened to me was a sexual assault? Because I wanna mention it to my sexual therapist and I don't want him thinking I just wanna be seen as a victim and enjoy being a victim.

[Mo]

If it helps to hear it from someone else, I agree with Sam that what you're describing was sexual assault. I can't speak for what your sexual therapist might say if you talk about this with him, but I'd be surprised if a therapist heard this story and told you it wasn't assault, or that you were just making up reasons to be a victim. It's never ok for someone to just keep going when a partner has said no and is showing clear fear and anxiety. Even if you gave consent to the same kind of sex at another time, that doesn't change the fact that you didn't consent initially.

I agree with what you say above that if someone truly changes their mind about wanting to have a kind of sex they've said no to before, that's not assault, but if they "give in" after a partner puts a lot of pressure or guilt on them, or force themselves to accept a kind of sex they don't want in order to avoid further conflict, that's not a situation where true consent is possible so it's appropriate to call that sexual assault. If someone's "no" to sexual activity isn't respected, then their "yes" can't be given freely and genuinely.